Jane, thank you so much for introducing me to Nicole's essay collection, and for featuring her thoughtful commentary about the ethics of including others in our memoir.
Nicole, this was so helpful to me. I have a polished draft of my own memoir manuscript (about my motherhood being shaped by my religious upbringing and then shattered by the birth of my daughter who was born with a rare genetic condition), so I have grappled with this issue many times. I have heard several NF writers speak of this in different ways, and the one piece of advice that struck me the most was this: Have a conversation with the people who show up in your book before it's published.
I know this can be tricky for many reasons, and for some it simply cannot be an option (in the case of abuse, for example). I think I can navigate it, though, especially with the more tenuous relationships, like between me and my mom. What I chose to do was write the book uncensored and continue to revise without censorship, and once my book is (hopefully) picked up by a publisher, then I will have that conversation with my mom to allow her to see what is being made public about our relationship. That doesn't mean I will change the truth, because as you said, I cannot speculate about what she felt or her motivations. I can imagine. I can write about the impact of her behavior on me. And I have.
It's complicated, but you did a beautiful job of explaining how this can be done. And you offered me a boost of hope. Thank you!
Jeannie, I'm so glad Nicole's essay spoke to you! I agree, it offered a path we don't often hear of, a path of tenderness and hope. I hope all goes well with your book and, when that time comes, with your conversation with your mom! ❤️
Jeannie, I am so moved by your comment and relate so much to the writing process you describe. I do think it can be so helpful to get everything down on paper uncensored and work from there to shape and refine to a form that feels ethically comfortable. I am so happy that my perspective felt helpful to you in some way, and I wish you so much luck in your writing and publishing journey!
Thank you so much, Nicole. It is lovely and refreshing to have read what your kind and sensitive heart had to share with us today. Thanks again. Looking forward to reading your book—it is next on my to-read list!
Nicole, thank you for sharing this wonderfully written essay. Memoirs have long been one of my favorite reads, and I will be adding yours to my list of books to read. When I delve into a memoir I feel like I am transported into the author’s life and walking beside them through the stories written. MOTHER
Thank you so much for sharing these beautiful thoughts. I'm thrilled you enjoyed my essay, and I hope you enjoy reading Mothers and Other Fictional Characters!
It's a tricky and slippery slope. I wrote a very successful memoir, Freckled, and named many real people; the "positive" ones particularly. If I had it to do again, I'd change everyone's name, at least. Because the book was big and it wasn't their choice to be known.
Oh, that's interesting, Toby. Did you show them in advance what you had written? And if so, were they okay with it at the time? But then wished otherwise after the success of your book?
Toby, thank you so much for sharing this. It is so true that we can't predict how people will respond to showing up in our work, or how their feelings might change over time. It is such a delicate dance!
Jane and Nicole,thank you for this beautiful essay...Nicole's insights are so real and relatable. I have always been a realist;good,bad,hurtful or indifferent,I always want others to be truthful with me.Thank you both for sharing!💕"MOTHER".
Thank you for this interview. The idea of sharing passages with family members during the process of writing a memoir feels revolutionary...an idea I've never considered, but will going forward. An elementary school teacher myself, I'm amazed at how the lessons we teach our youngest can be instructive for all of us. MOTHER
Liz, I'm so glad you found the idea of sharing passages helpful! I treasured so many of the conversations doing this opened up between me and my loved ones. And I agree...so many of the lessons of elementary school are relevant for a lifetime. All the best to you :)
Oh, this essay couldn’t have come at a better time! I am revising a book, which now seems to be more and more a memoir, about the breakdown of my marriage and domestic violence. It’s a story I resisted telling for so many years precisely because I felt that I couldn’t expose and hurt my children’s father. Until I realized that this silence was actually harming me. So now as I write about this terribly difficult subject, my guiding force is love. I am not seeking revenge, but understanding. So I shall revise with Nicole’s THINK a questions in mind. Extremely helpful and inspiring! Thank you Nicole and Jane!
Oh, Imola, I'm so glad this was helpful for you. And I'm sorry for what you've experienced. We have yet another (sort of!) parallel, and, yes, the staying silent can be damaging. Leading with love, yes! xx
Imola, thank you so much for sharing these thoughts. I am so moved to hear that you found my essay helpful in this particular way as you approach writing about this difficult and painful material. "My guiding force is love"--this is so perfectly put, and I do think writing with loving truthfulness can lead to beautiful, unexpected places. I wish you all the best on your writing journey!
I've used a version of THiNK for a while now, and find it very helpful to consider before I write or say something that I might later regret. I'm eager to read Nicole's book. MOTHER
Jane, thank you so much for introducing me to Nicole's essay collection, and for featuring her thoughtful commentary about the ethics of including others in our memoir.
Nicole, this was so helpful to me. I have a polished draft of my own memoir manuscript (about my motherhood being shaped by my religious upbringing and then shattered by the birth of my daughter who was born with a rare genetic condition), so I have grappled with this issue many times. I have heard several NF writers speak of this in different ways, and the one piece of advice that struck me the most was this: Have a conversation with the people who show up in your book before it's published.
I know this can be tricky for many reasons, and for some it simply cannot be an option (in the case of abuse, for example). I think I can navigate it, though, especially with the more tenuous relationships, like between me and my mom. What I chose to do was write the book uncensored and continue to revise without censorship, and once my book is (hopefully) picked up by a publisher, then I will have that conversation with my mom to allow her to see what is being made public about our relationship. That doesn't mean I will change the truth, because as you said, I cannot speculate about what she felt or her motivations. I can imagine. I can write about the impact of her behavior on me. And I have.
It's complicated, but you did a beautiful job of explaining how this can be done. And you offered me a boost of hope. Thank you!
MOTHER
Jeannie, I'm so glad Nicole's essay spoke to you! I agree, it offered a path we don't often hear of, a path of tenderness and hope. I hope all goes well with your book and, when that time comes, with your conversation with your mom! ❤️
Thank you, Jane. I appreciate you taking the time to reply to my comment.
Jeannie, I am so moved by your comment and relate so much to the writing process you describe. I do think it can be so helpful to get everything down on paper uncensored and work from there to shape and refine to a form that feels ethically comfortable. I am so happy that my perspective felt helpful to you in some way, and I wish you so much luck in your writing and publishing journey!
Thank you so much, Nicole. It is lovely and refreshing to have read what your kind and sensitive heart had to share with us today. Thanks again. Looking forward to reading your book—it is next on my to-read list!
Nicole, thank you for sharing this wonderfully written essay. Memoirs have long been one of my favorite reads, and I will be adding yours to my list of books to read. When I delve into a memoir I feel like I am transported into the author’s life and walking beside them through the stories written. MOTHER
I'm so glad you enjoyed the essay, Mary. And, yes!!!, I feel the same way -- walking beside them! So beautiful!
Thank you so much for sharing these beautiful thoughts. I'm thrilled you enjoyed my essay, and I hope you enjoy reading Mothers and Other Fictional Characters!
This is wonderfully written, and truly helpful as I delve back into my own memoir project... thank you!
I'm so happy to hear that, Lisa! And I hope your writing goes well!
A am so glad that you enjoyed it and found it helpful!
Beautiful essay and I love the THiNK- if only all of us always showed up with that in mind. Can’t wait to read this memoir 💕MOTHER
I'm so glad you enjoyed it, Katie! And, yes, THiNK!! So important and meaningful! ❤️
I was so grateful for the THiNK acronym when I learned about it. I feel it has changed my life! I'm so glad you enjoyed my essay.
MOTHER
Beautifully expressed. Love THiNK. Appreciate a new way to consider memoirs.
I'm so happy you enjoyed it, Deborah! I agree, THiNK went right to my heart!
Thank you for reading, and I'm glad you enjoyed!
I am also interested in writing a memoir! I’m excited to read yours! MOTHERS
Glad you enjoyed the essay, Laura! I think you will love Nicole's memoir!
I so hope you enjoy my book, and good luck with your own writing projects!
It's a tricky and slippery slope. I wrote a very successful memoir, Freckled, and named many real people; the "positive" ones particularly. If I had it to do again, I'd change everyone's name, at least. Because the book was big and it wasn't their choice to be known.
Oh, that's interesting, Toby. Did you show them in advance what you had written? And if so, were they okay with it at the time? But then wished otherwise after the success of your book?
Yes, my mother was okay with early drafts and named; later she was upset. Childhood enemies and cruel teachers later had angry fans.
Toby, thank you so much for sharing this. It is so true that we can't predict how people will respond to showing up in our work, or how their feelings might change over time. It is such a delicate dance!
Jane and Nicole,thank you for this beautiful essay...Nicole's insights are so real and relatable. I have always been a realist;good,bad,hurtful or indifferent,I always want others to be truthful with me.Thank you both for sharing!💕"MOTHER".
I'm so glad you enjoyed it, Sandra! ❤️
Sandra, I'm so happy to hear you enjoyed my essay--and thank you for sharing these thoughts!
You're very welcome,Nicole...thank you for sharing your stories with us!
Thank you for this interview. The idea of sharing passages with family members during the process of writing a memoir feels revolutionary...an idea I've never considered, but will going forward. An elementary school teacher myself, I'm amazed at how the lessons we teach our youngest can be instructive for all of us. MOTHER
I'm so happy to hear that, Liz! And, yes, there are lessons everywhere, aren't there!?
Liz, I'm so glad you found the idea of sharing passages helpful! I treasured so many of the conversations doing this opened up between me and my loved ones. And I agree...so many of the lessons of elementary school are relevant for a lifetime. All the best to you :)
I have just added this to my “to be read” list. I’m looking forward to reading it!
Oh goodie! I know you will enjoy it, Samantha!
I'm so happy to hear this, Samantha! I truly hope you enjoy the book.
Oh, this essay couldn’t have come at a better time! I am revising a book, which now seems to be more and more a memoir, about the breakdown of my marriage and domestic violence. It’s a story I resisted telling for so many years precisely because I felt that I couldn’t expose and hurt my children’s father. Until I realized that this silence was actually harming me. So now as I write about this terribly difficult subject, my guiding force is love. I am not seeking revenge, but understanding. So I shall revise with Nicole’s THINK a questions in mind. Extremely helpful and inspiring! Thank you Nicole and Jane!
Oh, Imola, I'm so glad this was helpful for you. And I'm sorry for what you've experienced. We have yet another (sort of!) parallel, and, yes, the staying silent can be damaging. Leading with love, yes! xx
One day Jane we can talk and laugh about it over a good soup! :)
Yes!
Imola, thank you so much for sharing these thoughts. I am so moved to hear that you found my essay helpful in this particular way as you approach writing about this difficult and painful material. "My guiding force is love"--this is so perfectly put, and I do think writing with loving truthfulness can lead to beautiful, unexpected places. I wish you all the best on your writing journey!
Thank you so much Nicole! I will order your book in Canada and look forward to reading more from you.
I have seldom enjoyed an essay as much as this one. Beautifully written. Full of gentleness and wisdom.
Oh, Noreen, how lovely! And I must say, I agree! I'm glad you enjoyed it!!
Noreen, I can't tell you how happy I am to hear that you enjoyed my essay. Thank you so very much for these kind words.
I just saw her read on Tuesday night in Rhode Island! She was great.
MOTHER
Ooooh, you're so lucky, Marissa! I bet it was wonderful!
It really was!
Marissa, how wonderful that you were at the RI event! It was such a special night and I am so happy you could be there.
It was so lovely! It was great to hear you and the other authors read.
I've used a version of THiNK for a while now, and find it very helpful to consider before I write or say something that I might later regret. I'm eager to read Nicole's book. MOTHER
That's wonderful, Louka! And I'm glad you enjoyed Nicole's essay!
Frameworks like these can be so helpful! Thank you for sharing, and I so hope you enjoy Mothers and Other Fictional Characters!
I love THiNK. I shall think on these questions from now, on!
MOTHER
Happy you enjoyed it, Jennifer! Yes, THiNK is a great tool for writing and life in general!
Hi, Jennifer! I'm so glad to hear the THiNK framework struck a chord with you. I have truly found it so helpful!
"My job, and my only job, is to tell my side of the story" You have guts Nicole. I wouldn't dare tell my side. That's why I write fiction : )
Haha, so true!
It's true...fiction has its benefits!