To Die a Soft, Tender-Hearted Man That My Ancestors Would Be Proud Of
The Body, Brain, and Books: Eleven Questions with public theoethecist Robert Monson
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What are you reading now?
I am always reading multiple books at once so this is a tricky question. I just finished a book by the death doula Alua Arthur entitled Briefly Perfectly Human. I’m also always listening to a science fiction book on audio and a book of poetry. Currently, Marcus Amaker’s book The Birth of All Things has my attention.
What are your most beloved books from your youth? Did you ever hide any from your parents?
I grew up extremely poor and my access to books was unfortunately severely limited. I craved books and read anything that I could get my hands on. Because I am 1/7 children I never had to hide books from my parents…there wasn’t enough attention to go around. There isn’t one book that stands out in my mind from my youth, but I remember how books made me feel…entranced. I loved the places that books transported me to. Books, especially fantasy books, were a survival tool for me in a chaotic home.
What’s your favorite book to reread? Any that helped you through a dark time?
A Grief Observed by CS Lewis is a precious memory for me. Someone bought it for me at the beginning of one of the worst periods of my life. That short book made grief tangible for me and allowed me the freedom to not be ok. When I die one day (hopefully not for a long time) I hope that I am buried with it.
Honorable Mention: Cole Arthur Riley’s book This Here Flesh
What’s an article of clothing that makes you feel most like you?
This might not be what most people would consider, but I love a bathrobe. I was gifted one maybe a decade ago and I must have a few in my home at all times. It feels most like me because I am committed to rest and a slow pace. I can be at home, in my robe, in peace…all day.
What’s the best piece of wisdom you've encountered recently?
Recently, while scrolling through social media, I saw this phrase that shook me. “just because you say that you love me doesn’t mean that I feel loved by you.” Whew. My God this is beautiful because it grounds me again to show the ones that I love what they mean to me.
Tell me about any special relationship you’ve had with an animal, domestic or wild?
I am not the biggest animal lover, I love the idea of animals more than being with them. I did have a puppy one time named Tomo (short for tomodachi) that meant the world to me. I don’t know that I was in a place to love him to his fullest extent then, but he sure loved me.
What's one thing you are happy worked out differently than you expected?
What a superb question. I was just pondering this the other day. A few years ago I thought my life would change. I was up for a massive interview for a job that would’ve changed my life financially and career wise. I was so excited that I felt like I could burst. At the time it perfectly aligned with my talents and interests. The person interviewing me turned out to be a very rude individual and clearly didn’t like me from the moment the interview started. At the end of the interview the person told me that I wouldn’t be getting the job at all and my heart broke in a million pieces. I cried for days and started a Substack. Ha. Today, I’m on a completely different path that I am proud of and am glad ultimately that it didn’t work out.
Singing in the shower or dancing in the kitchen? Or another favorite way your body expresses itself?
Emphatically…both. Alice Walker once said that “hard times require furious dancing” and one thing about me…I’m going to dance. And…I sing every single day. In the shower and outside of it.
What are your hopes for yourself?
My sincerest desire for my life is that I die a soft, tender-hearted man that my ancestors would be proud of. That’s it. That’s the goal.
What’s a kindness that changed your life?
I think of this often, but I did not pull myself up by my bootstraps. The person I am today is directly tied to the kindness that has been shown to me by people who tangibly loved me. One instance marked me because once a friend, living in a different state, called me to see how I was doing. I let them know that I was not doing well at all. Emotionally I was fried and spiritually I was not well. He told me that he would see me the next day. The next morning, my busy friend got on a plane to come “lay eyes on me” as people in my community say. He is not the best with emotions, but he rented an airbnb to give me a place to rest and we just drove around joking and eating chicken wings. To know that I was special enough for a good brother to come to my aid will always remain a highlight of my life.
What’s a guiding force in your life?
I could say God, which it is, but I find that this is so ambiguous for people. Instead I will say a love ethic. bell hooks was so prolific in her work in naming what a love ethic is and what impact it can have on individuals as well as society. Her book All About Love remains a guiding force in my life as I seek to foster an ethic of love that is stronger than what this world seems to offer us.
If you enjoyed Robert’s questionnaire, you may also enjoy this one with
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This is poignant and well done. Thank you because this reflects what I believe should be the natural state of men everywhere. Being hard, going hard, doing hard translates into a hard life and a harder death, IMHO. Besides, living life according to stereotypical social norms is just joyless.
This man! What a beautiful soul! I too am getting overwhelmed with great Substacker subscriptions, but I am making room at the top for this master of love ethics :)