What a moving story told in beautiful prose, Jane. "The cats would work their way between our legs, back and forth, as if sewing us back together." Wow. Thanks for blessing my morning.
I think you've plugged into something we women tend to do, and that is take the blame. We all have memories, I think, of when we hated ourselves for what we did or who we were, only to realize as we get older that we were much too hard on our younger selves. But what did we know? Even in the supposedly free mid-to-late 20th century we were still being indoctrinated into that mother-nurture-give-them-your-all bullshit our female elders had to deal with.
This is such a beautiful story, Jane. I love the way you've framed it, and I love your big heart.
Yes, yes, yes to all of this! I couldn't agree more. I think things have improved somewhat...but it's still happening! And thank you for your kind words! I appreciate your big heart, as well!
and Dr. Gabor Mate has said it is women and those most sensitive of men, groomed to nurture others rather than to learn their own deepest truths about their less-than-popular emotions, who get the chronic illness from the stress of it all.
Apr 21, 2023·edited Apr 21, 2023Liked by Jane Ratcliffe
I am no stranger to addiction's role in a relationship, although, in my situation, I was the one to receive the ultimatum from my husband. It saved my life, but I've equally realized it was alcohol that held our marriage together. Drinking kept me in my place - quiet, small.
While my husband wanted me to stop slurring my words, he never wanted me to have a voice.
My last drink was on January 26, 2011, and I signed my divorce papers on January 26, 2017.
Sometimes there are no coincidences.
Thank you for inviting us into your blessing room.
Oh, Sarah, firstly I'm glad to hear you've been sober for so long. That's wonderful. And so much profound insight here. Thank you for sharing. Yes, alcohol or drugs can play a complicated role in a relationship. This sentence is so potent: While my husband wanted me to stop slurring my words, he never wanted me to have a voice. Perhaps there's an essay in there!
Oh Jane, I feel this one in my bones. I spent most of my life thinking I was the buzzkill, only to discover I could indeed be fun and funny and light—with the right people. My people. I’m so glad you got that text, that you wrote about it so beautifully, and that you shared it with us. Thank you. 🙏❤️
Casey! Coming from you this means so much! Thank you! Yes...the right people! Exactly! And I'm so glad I got that text, as well. It really lifted a weight I didn't realize I'd been carrying.
Love your writing and I so relate to this. I too had a relationship with someone who used a lot of drugs. I too judged myself as the uptight, controlling, killjoy of the dyad. Now, almost 20 years on, I look back and wish I had backed myself and asserted my needs much more, and ultimately walked away from that partnership much earlier, despite how much I loved him. We live and learn *sigh*. Thank goodness for the wisdom that comes with aging, and thanks for sharing your story :)
Sounds like we've had parallel paths! And, yes, thank goodness for the wisdom of age and the ability to view our younger selves with tenderness. I'm glad you're in good place now. And thank you for your kind words.
Beautiful piece in its raw openness. Thank you for sharing. I am curious about what you texted back…?
In truth, I’ve been the addicted one who broke up many relationships because of it. Not for alcohol or drugs, but for the intoxicated feeling that comes with new relationships. Formerly I would have characterized that an addiction to falling in love, but now I understand that it was more about a love of the chase and the conquest.
Regardless of the type of addiction, though, it all comes down to self-distraction or self-numbing, so as not to feel the really deep stuff that comes up when we’re triggered. Sounds like he was afraid of losing you when you started making healthier choices, and the way he coped with it was to go deeper into self-distraction. That kind of coping strategy predates you — your relationship triggered it, but it was his stuff. Sometimes it takes the breakup (and subsequent bottoming out) to be able to see that.
(I figure you know all that already, given the years and counseling, etc. But that’s what leapt out at me.)
Thank you for your kind words, Carrie. I actually hadn't considered what you have suggested here. Thanks for this beautiful insight. It makes a lot of sense!
And I'm sorry you've struggled with a form of addiction that took a toll on relationships. I feel like we're all addicted to something to some degree that takes a toll on something to some degree! And, hopefully, we get healthy enough to find some sort of balance! Life is not for the faint of heart!
Yes, I have. And it is the most terrifying thing I ever went through. Even after so many years it still hurts. And it left me broken in more ways than I can count. But I finally found peace.
Oh, gosh, I'm sorry to hear that. It can definitely be terrifying. And, yes, to all the countless brokenness in so many myriad ways. I'm so glad you found peace!
This is so beautiful. Thank you for sharing. Although my divorce was not caused by addiction, I am definitely familiar with the feeling of being "too uptight, not cool enough, not fun." It's a story I've always carried about myself. Thank you for reminding me the stories we tell ourselves are not always the truth.
They're not the truth! We somehow get brainwashed or even brainwash ourselves! Such a relief when we're able to see ourselves more clearly. And thank you for your kind words.
I have had several run ins (runs in?) with addiction(s). Reading your story was lip bitingly real.
The earlier part of your relationship though, so evocative, I feel like I've watched the film, and can just nearly recall the soundtrack. Wonderful writing.
Gosh, thank you, Jackie. Your words mean so much! And I'm intrigued by your newsletter. Whilst I live in America, my parents were both from London and I have cousins all over the country and have a longstanding desire to move to England and do exactly what you're doing! I look forward to reading some of your posts!
The cats sewing you back together. Needle-sharp observation in a lovely piece that invites Beyonders into your journey here. I used to burn with longing for men like your ex but never dated any. My father was a lifelong alcoholic. Subliminal knowledge that such men are dangerous protected me.
Thank you, Rona! Mathilda and Lulu did try to stitch us back together. They loved each of us so much! And that must have been so difficult having an alcoholic father. I'm glad you steered clear after that.
I too married a musician young and thought he was the love of my life. Now I look back at the red flags and sort of laugh at myself. But like you, I lamented our parting for a long time - through my entire next marriage. The musician left me when I checked into inpatient rehab. "I should be in there with you," he said, "but I still want to party." I went out into the woods and rolled on the ground in grief like an injured animal.
It is such a painful story beautifully written. And so alive. I am so glad that at the end, even 20 years later, your ex, feeling guilty, asked your forgiveness, letting you be free.
Sad how we blame ourselves for someone else's addiction, and our self-blame in itself becomes an addiction. I had an early marriage with a young musician that was likewise romantic. When we got together I told him the only "vow" I requested was that if I ever started drinking again, he'd send me to rehab. Or something that put the weight on him for my having stopped drinking at 22, before we even knew each other. We did drugs together, disastrously for me, and I told myself my recovery was about alcohol, not drugs. Shortly after we married, I started drinking again. As I'd promised MYSELF, I headed to inpatient rehab. He visited once, already involved with my friends, and said "I should be here too but I'm not ready to stop partying." I thought my heart was broken. Now I see I was spared.
I'm so glad you kept that promise to yourself, Kirie! I look back on my twenties with such tenderness. In many ways, we are adults doing adult things. In other ways, we're still kids carrying more responsibility than we sometimes know how to handle! I'm glad we both landed safely on the other side!
A wonderful, poignant, beautifully-written essay. I'm considering sending it to my ex-husband, who never apologized to me or our two sons for the yearlong affair that blew up our family nearly 20 years ago.
Thank you for sharing your story. And to answer your question, I have been doing Dry January and the other night my now husband said: “you’re no fun now that you’re not drinking!” ❤️
What a moving story told in beautiful prose, Jane. "The cats would work their way between our legs, back and forth, as if sewing us back together." Wow. Thanks for blessing my morning.
A poignant observation and beautiful sentence.
Thank you!
That was one of my favorite parts, too!
Thank you, Erin!
Thank you so much, Karen, for your kind words! You've blessed my morning!
I think you've plugged into something we women tend to do, and that is take the blame. We all have memories, I think, of when we hated ourselves for what we did or who we were, only to realize as we get older that we were much too hard on our younger selves. But what did we know? Even in the supposedly free mid-to-late 20th century we were still being indoctrinated into that mother-nurture-give-them-your-all bullshit our female elders had to deal with.
This is such a beautiful story, Jane. I love the way you've framed it, and I love your big heart.
Yes, yes, yes to all of this! I couldn't agree more. I think things have improved somewhat...but it's still happening! And thank you for your kind words! I appreciate your big heart, as well!
and Dr. Gabor Mate has said it is women and those most sensitive of men, groomed to nurture others rather than to learn their own deepest truths about their less-than-popular emotions, who get the chronic illness from the stress of it all.
I didn't know he'd said this, but I deeply believe it's true!! And undoubtedly a piece of my own health struggles. Thank you for sharing.
I am no stranger to addiction's role in a relationship, although, in my situation, I was the one to receive the ultimatum from my husband. It saved my life, but I've equally realized it was alcohol that held our marriage together. Drinking kept me in my place - quiet, small.
While my husband wanted me to stop slurring my words, he never wanted me to have a voice.
My last drink was on January 26, 2011, and I signed my divorce papers on January 26, 2017.
Sometimes there are no coincidences.
Thank you for inviting us into your blessing room.
Oh, Sarah, firstly I'm glad to hear you've been sober for so long. That's wonderful. And so much profound insight here. Thank you for sharing. Yes, alcohol or drugs can play a complicated role in a relationship. This sentence is so potent: While my husband wanted me to stop slurring my words, he never wanted me to have a voice. Perhaps there's an essay in there!
Thank you Jane, and yes there is definitely an essay…and hopefully a memoir.
Oh Jane, I feel this one in my bones. I spent most of my life thinking I was the buzzkill, only to discover I could indeed be fun and funny and light—with the right people. My people. I’m so glad you got that text, that you wrote about it so beautifully, and that you shared it with us. Thank you. 🙏❤️
Casey! Coming from you this means so much! Thank you! Yes...the right people! Exactly! And I'm so glad I got that text, as well. It really lifted a weight I didn't realize I'd been carrying.
Love your writing and I so relate to this. I too had a relationship with someone who used a lot of drugs. I too judged myself as the uptight, controlling, killjoy of the dyad. Now, almost 20 years on, I look back and wish I had backed myself and asserted my needs much more, and ultimately walked away from that partnership much earlier, despite how much I loved him. We live and learn *sigh*. Thank goodness for the wisdom that comes with aging, and thanks for sharing your story :)
Sounds like we've had parallel paths! And, yes, thank goodness for the wisdom of age and the ability to view our younger selves with tenderness. I'm glad you're in good place now. And thank you for your kind words.
Beautiful piece in its raw openness. Thank you for sharing. I am curious about what you texted back…?
In truth, I’ve been the addicted one who broke up many relationships because of it. Not for alcohol or drugs, but for the intoxicated feeling that comes with new relationships. Formerly I would have characterized that an addiction to falling in love, but now I understand that it was more about a love of the chase and the conquest.
Regardless of the type of addiction, though, it all comes down to self-distraction or self-numbing, so as not to feel the really deep stuff that comes up when we’re triggered. Sounds like he was afraid of losing you when you started making healthier choices, and the way he coped with it was to go deeper into self-distraction. That kind of coping strategy predates you — your relationship triggered it, but it was his stuff. Sometimes it takes the breakup (and subsequent bottoming out) to be able to see that.
(I figure you know all that already, given the years and counseling, etc. But that’s what leapt out at me.)
Thank you for your kind words, Carrie. I actually hadn't considered what you have suggested here. Thanks for this beautiful insight. It makes a lot of sense!
And I'm sorry you've struggled with a form of addiction that took a toll on relationships. I feel like we're all addicted to something to some degree that takes a toll on something to some degree! And, hopefully, we get healthy enough to find some sort of balance! Life is not for the faint of heart!
Thats very big-hearted of you Jane! I’m grateful that I was finally able to see it for what it was, tho it took a lot of heartbreak to get there!
Yes, I have. And it is the most terrifying thing I ever went through. Even after so many years it still hurts. And it left me broken in more ways than I can count. But I finally found peace.
Oh, gosh, I'm sorry to hear that. It can definitely be terrifying. And, yes, to all the countless brokenness in so many myriad ways. I'm so glad you found peace!
This is so beautiful. Thank you for sharing. Although my divorce was not caused by addiction, I am definitely familiar with the feeling of being "too uptight, not cool enough, not fun." It's a story I've always carried about myself. Thank you for reminding me the stories we tell ourselves are not always the truth.
They're not the truth! We somehow get brainwashed or even brainwash ourselves! Such a relief when we're able to see ourselves more clearly. And thank you for your kind words.
I have had several run ins (runs in?) with addiction(s). Reading your story was lip bitingly real.
The earlier part of your relationship though, so evocative, I feel like I've watched the film, and can just nearly recall the soundtrack. Wonderful writing.
Gosh, thank you, Jackie. Your words mean so much! And I'm intrigued by your newsletter. Whilst I live in America, my parents were both from London and I have cousins all over the country and have a longstanding desire to move to England and do exactly what you're doing! I look forward to reading some of your posts!
Jane, this essay took my breath away. Truly.
Oooooh, thank you, Amy!
The cats sewing you back together. Needle-sharp observation in a lovely piece that invites Beyonders into your journey here. I used to burn with longing for men like your ex but never dated any. My father was a lifelong alcoholic. Subliminal knowledge that such men are dangerous protected me.
Thank you, Rona! Mathilda and Lulu did try to stitch us back together. They loved each of us so much! And that must have been so difficult having an alcoholic father. I'm glad you steered clear after that.
I too married a musician young and thought he was the love of my life. Now I look back at the red flags and sort of laugh at myself. But like you, I lamented our parting for a long time - through my entire next marriage. The musician left me when I checked into inpatient rehab. "I should be in there with you," he said, "but I still want to party." I went out into the woods and rolled on the ground in grief like an injured animal.
Oh my goodness, Kirie, that's awful. I'm so sorry that happened! I'm glad you can laugh about it now. Life can be bananas!
It is such a painful story beautifully written. And so alive. I am so glad that at the end, even 20 years later, your ex, feeling guilty, asked your forgiveness, letting you be free.
Sad how we blame ourselves for someone else's addiction, and our self-blame in itself becomes an addiction. I had an early marriage with a young musician that was likewise romantic. When we got together I told him the only "vow" I requested was that if I ever started drinking again, he'd send me to rehab. Or something that put the weight on him for my having stopped drinking at 22, before we even knew each other. We did drugs together, disastrously for me, and I told myself my recovery was about alcohol, not drugs. Shortly after we married, I started drinking again. As I'd promised MYSELF, I headed to inpatient rehab. He visited once, already involved with my friends, and said "I should be here too but I'm not ready to stop partying." I thought my heart was broken. Now I see I was spared.
I'm so glad you kept that promise to yourself, Kirie! I look back on my twenties with such tenderness. In many ways, we are adults doing adult things. In other ways, we're still kids carrying more responsibility than we sometimes know how to handle! I'm glad we both landed safely on the other side!
A wonderful, poignant, beautifully-written essay. I'm considering sending it to my ex-husband, who never apologized to me or our two sons for the yearlong affair that blew up our family nearly 20 years ago.
Thank you, BL! And, gosh, I'm sorry to read that. I hope one day you get what you need to hear! It does help. 🌸
Thank you for sharing your story. And to answer your question, I have been doing Dry January and the other night my now husband said: “you’re no fun now that you’re not drinking!” ❤️
Thank you, Jen! And, oh, no! Don't believe him!! ❤️