What a moving story told in beautiful prose, Jane. "The cats would work their way between our legs, back and forth, as if sewing us back together." Wow. Thanks for blessing my morning.
I think you've plugged into something we women tend to do, and that is take the blame. We all have memories, I think, of when we hated ourselves for what we did or who we were, only to realize as we get older that we were much too hard on our younger selves. But what did we know? Even in the supposedly free mid-to-late 20th century we were still being indoctrinated into that mother-nurture-give-them-your-all bullshit our female elders had to deal with.
This is such a beautiful story, Jane. I love the way you've framed it, and I love your big heart.
Oh Jane, I feel this one in my bones. I spent most of my life thinking I was the buzzkill, only to discover I could indeed be fun and funny and light—with the right people. My people. I’m so glad you got that text, that you wrote about it so beautifully, and that you shared it with us. Thank you. 🙏❤️
Love your writing and I so relate to this. I too had a relationship with someone who used a lot of drugs. I too judged myself as the uptight, controlling, killjoy of the dyad. Now, almost 20 years on, I look back and wish I had backed myself and asserted my needs much more, and ultimately walked away from that partnership much earlier, despite how much I loved him. We live and learn *sigh*. Thank goodness for the wisdom that comes with aging, and thanks for sharing your story :)
Beautiful piece in its raw openness. Thank you for sharing. I am curious about what you texted back…?
In truth, I’ve been the addicted one who broke up many relationships because of it. Not for alcohol or drugs, but for the intoxicated feeling that comes with new relationships. Formerly I would have characterized that an addiction to falling in love, but now I understand that it was more about a love of the chase and the conquest.
Regardless of the type of addiction, though, it all comes down to self-distraction or self-numbing, so as not to feel the really deep stuff that comes up when we’re triggered. Sounds like he was afraid of losing you when you started making healthier choices, and the way he coped with it was to go deeper into self-distraction. That kind of coping strategy predates you — your relationship triggered it, but it was his stuff. Sometimes it takes the breakup (and subsequent bottoming out) to be able to see that.
(I figure you know all that already, given the years and counseling, etc. But that’s what leapt out at me.)
Yes, I have. And it is the most terrifying thing I ever went through. Even after so many years it still hurts. And it left me broken in more ways than I can count. But I finally found peace.
Apr 21, 2023·edited Apr 21, 2023Liked by Jane Ratcliffe
I am no stranger to addiction's role in a relationship, although, in my situation, I was the one to receive the ultimatum from my husband. It saved my life, but I've equally realized it was alcohol that held our marriage together. Drinking kept me in my place - quiet, small.
While my husband wanted me to stop slurring my words, he never wanted me to have a voice.
My last drink was on January 26, 2011, and I signed my divorce papers on January 26, 2017.
Sometimes there are no coincidences.
Thank you for inviting us into your blessing room.
This is so beautiful. Thank you for sharing. Although my divorce was not caused by addiction, I am definitely familiar with the feeling of being "too uptight, not cool enough, not fun." It's a story I've always carried about myself. Thank you for reminding me the stories we tell ourselves are not always the truth.
I have had several run ins (runs in?) with addiction(s). Reading your story was lip bitingly real.
The earlier part of your relationship though, so evocative, I feel like I've watched the film, and can just nearly recall the soundtrack. Wonderful writing.
The cats sewing you back together. Needle-sharp observation in a lovely piece that invites Beyonders into your journey here. I used to burn with longing for men like your ex but never dated any. My father was a lifelong alcoholic. Subliminal knowledge that such men are dangerous protected me.
A wonderful, poignant, beautifully-written essay. I'm considering sending it to my ex-husband, who never apologized to me or our two sons for the yearlong affair that blew up our family nearly 20 years ago.
Thank you for sharing your story. And to answer your question, I have been doing Dry January and the other night my now husband said: “you’re no fun now that you’re not drinking!” ❤️
Thank you for writing this. You wrote in a way that helped me feel seen. A loved one of mine has battled addiction for a long time (connected with a personality disorder) and she comes in and out of my life, often with a lot of blame. It can be hard not to internalize. Reading your words was timely, thank you :)
Thank you for the essay. I too, was married to an alcoholic; my best friend, love of my life, my soulmate. By the grace of God he found sobriety and remains so today (18 years). Unfortunately, even with sobriety, the affects of this disease had taken it's toll on our relationship. It's always there, lingering in the shadows of our psyche. It's not all bad though. At 65, I'm finding myself again - a new me, as well as the old me that had faded away over time. It's been like coloring a page in a book and watching the colors take shape into something beautiful and alive. Thank you for sharing your experience, strength and hope with us.
What a moving story told in beautiful prose, Jane. "The cats would work their way between our legs, back and forth, as if sewing us back together." Wow. Thanks for blessing my morning.
I think you've plugged into something we women tend to do, and that is take the blame. We all have memories, I think, of when we hated ourselves for what we did or who we were, only to realize as we get older that we were much too hard on our younger selves. But what did we know? Even in the supposedly free mid-to-late 20th century we were still being indoctrinated into that mother-nurture-give-them-your-all bullshit our female elders had to deal with.
This is such a beautiful story, Jane. I love the way you've framed it, and I love your big heart.
Oh Jane, I feel this one in my bones. I spent most of my life thinking I was the buzzkill, only to discover I could indeed be fun and funny and light—with the right people. My people. I’m so glad you got that text, that you wrote about it so beautifully, and that you shared it with us. Thank you. 🙏❤️
Love your writing and I so relate to this. I too had a relationship with someone who used a lot of drugs. I too judged myself as the uptight, controlling, killjoy of the dyad. Now, almost 20 years on, I look back and wish I had backed myself and asserted my needs much more, and ultimately walked away from that partnership much earlier, despite how much I loved him. We live and learn *sigh*. Thank goodness for the wisdom that comes with aging, and thanks for sharing your story :)
Beautiful piece in its raw openness. Thank you for sharing. I am curious about what you texted back…?
In truth, I’ve been the addicted one who broke up many relationships because of it. Not for alcohol or drugs, but for the intoxicated feeling that comes with new relationships. Formerly I would have characterized that an addiction to falling in love, but now I understand that it was more about a love of the chase and the conquest.
Regardless of the type of addiction, though, it all comes down to self-distraction or self-numbing, so as not to feel the really deep stuff that comes up when we’re triggered. Sounds like he was afraid of losing you when you started making healthier choices, and the way he coped with it was to go deeper into self-distraction. That kind of coping strategy predates you — your relationship triggered it, but it was his stuff. Sometimes it takes the breakup (and subsequent bottoming out) to be able to see that.
(I figure you know all that already, given the years and counseling, etc. But that’s what leapt out at me.)
Yes, I have. And it is the most terrifying thing I ever went through. Even after so many years it still hurts. And it left me broken in more ways than I can count. But I finally found peace.
I am no stranger to addiction's role in a relationship, although, in my situation, I was the one to receive the ultimatum from my husband. It saved my life, but I've equally realized it was alcohol that held our marriage together. Drinking kept me in my place - quiet, small.
While my husband wanted me to stop slurring my words, he never wanted me to have a voice.
My last drink was on January 26, 2011, and I signed my divorce papers on January 26, 2017.
Sometimes there are no coincidences.
Thank you for inviting us into your blessing room.
This is so beautiful. Thank you for sharing. Although my divorce was not caused by addiction, I am definitely familiar with the feeling of being "too uptight, not cool enough, not fun." It's a story I've always carried about myself. Thank you for reminding me the stories we tell ourselves are not always the truth.
I have had several run ins (runs in?) with addiction(s). Reading your story was lip bitingly real.
The earlier part of your relationship though, so evocative, I feel like I've watched the film, and can just nearly recall the soundtrack. Wonderful writing.
Jane, this essay took my breath away. Truly.
The cats sewing you back together. Needle-sharp observation in a lovely piece that invites Beyonders into your journey here. I used to burn with longing for men like your ex but never dated any. My father was a lifelong alcoholic. Subliminal knowledge that such men are dangerous protected me.
A wonderful, poignant, beautifully-written essay. I'm considering sending it to my ex-husband, who never apologized to me or our two sons for the yearlong affair that blew up our family nearly 20 years ago.
Thank you for sharing your story. And to answer your question, I have been doing Dry January and the other night my now husband said: “you’re no fun now that you’re not drinking!” ❤️
Thank you for writing this. You wrote in a way that helped me feel seen. A loved one of mine has battled addiction for a long time (connected with a personality disorder) and she comes in and out of my life, often with a lot of blame. It can be hard not to internalize. Reading your words was timely, thank you :)
Thank you for the essay. I too, was married to an alcoholic; my best friend, love of my life, my soulmate. By the grace of God he found sobriety and remains so today (18 years). Unfortunately, even with sobriety, the affects of this disease had taken it's toll on our relationship. It's always there, lingering in the shadows of our psyche. It's not all bad though. At 65, I'm finding myself again - a new me, as well as the old me that had faded away over time. It's been like coloring a page in a book and watching the colors take shape into something beautiful and alive. Thank you for sharing your experience, strength and hope with us.
Wonderful. So deeply touched by this.