How interesting, I write in many notebooks and constantly misplace them. Then I use others I’ve just found filled with prior disjointed pages. I believe their place is not to record my thoughts but to give them a place to go- to get them out so that they no longer burden me, somehow what’s left in my brain is more organized, most of the time.
When I do venture into journaling, I employ the same method as you: whatever notebook I can root out! In recent years, I've been very (very!) inconsistent so I'm never sure if it's helping. But your note inspires me to give it another go!
I use them the same way! After reading this beautiful essay, I would call it #3 adjacent! (I use notebooks to get my thoughts out and don’t destroy or refer to them but just put them in a drawer). I’m often mortified when I come across the notebooks and am confronted by my old notes. I am now empowered to throw them away, which will rid myself of the “shame” and declutter my house! Thanks Sarah for your vulnerabity
What a great discussion. I just wanted to add that sometimes – at least for me – the thoughts come out easier when I ignore grammar, spelling and punctuation. As the thoughts come out unrestricted, my mind is forced to slow down and processes what I’m feeling. I suspect this is in part why we see a therapeutic benefit from this kind of writing. In psychology, the process has been described as expressive writing (see the work of Dr. James Pennebaker). Again, good stuff. Thanks for sharing.
Not only could I not save my notebooks, I couldn't really even write about myself (even in private) because I could not stand how I looked/sounded to myself in their pages. I read it as whining, messed up, and altogether not what I had decided a person should be. (Because, lacking a stable sense of self due to the many experiences and facts I write about, I had to use a long list of shoulds to fill in for what most folks can do with likes, wants, needs, and boundaries.)
So, of course I am now a writing professor and researcher who studies, recommends, and uses notebooks. Life has a way of INSISTING that we listen to what we need to know, eventually. So much more to unpack about this.
First, as someone recently told me, the best essays allow the reader frequently to relate the essay to themselves, and this one certainly did.
And this line below really landed perfectly. .
"It simply never crossed my mind to ask someone to snap a photo of me during a suicidal episode in the emergency room."
I'm starting to use a notebook more, but if a notebook is a record of one's thoughts, then so is a personal Substack, more mannered and edited,. Which reminds me that I want to keep a physical record of my posts, bound together.
Firstly, I'm wondering if that "someone" was Sarah! Secondly, you're right about Substack. I had considered that. But it can be a journal, of sorts. I like the idea of bounding your posts together! Thirdly, I only just discovered your Substack (via the lovely Jillian Hess) and it's wonderful! I read your most recent post about NYC and keep meaning to comment but it's turning into one of those days! I look forward to reading more! Lovely to find you here!
Love this essay. Journaling is right up there with morning coffee for me -- sacred and non-negotiable. For over 20 years I have dutifully written 3 (or 11) morning pages a' la' The Artist's Way in black and white composition notebooks and never re-read a single word. When one is full, it gets shredded by the weekend. I also keep journals full of ideas I catch, phrases I adore, and things people share. They are more like commonplace books that serve as guideposts and inspiration for how I want to show up in the world. There's just something about compiling, writing by hand, and documenting that helps me work through just about anything -- they're tactile touchstones for me. And even if they go into a dustbin when I move on, not one single moment will have been wasted.
Until Sarah's essay, I didn't know the routine destroying of journals was a thing. Y'all have me thinking about my stacks of journals tucked away in my trunk! So glad you enjoyed the essay!
For 40 years, I too am a TAW Writer. Helps clear the path for my creative writing and other artistry. But, as Julia Cameron insists: I do not reread. And what a bonfire ahead-- to ignite and witness these words I write-- curl up in smoke as I watch & wonder ...
I didn’t know about Sarah’s memoir until reading this today (I know her as a Substack goddess) and whoa! Her book could be a proposal “comp” for mine (which is basically the story of what it’s like to be the daughter of someone who went through what Sarah went through, but the mother never got better…). So I’m off to order it and prioritize it in my TBR pile. BUT! Back to the topic: Notebook-wise, I never kept a journal once my mother’s mental illness got severe. Too painful and too hard to compartmentalize when you have to write down your day. I’d of course do it differently now!
I'm so glad Sarah's essay resonated with you! I think you will enjoy her book, as well! I completely understand stopping the journal. I stopped after head and brain injury. As you note, too painful and too hard. At times I wish I could look back and better document my improvements. But journaling is not for me at the moment. And, yes, I wish I could have done and do it differently. But we do what we can!! 🌸
Oh my, what we all went through! I’m seeing so much of myself here. I don’t know how I decided to start writing and reading on Substack but thank goodness I did. I love Sarah’s and Jane’s and Jeannine Ouelette’s newsletters, and thanks in no small part to Sarah’s creation of community for newbies through her workshops, I’ve connected with some lovely folks.
Beautiful essay. I'm intrigued to read Sarah's books. Notebooks have been one of my treasured possessions. When I moved from the UK to New Zealand in my 30s I threw out or gave away 95% of everything I owned so that I could travel light in the world. My notebooks and journals, along with my photos, were one of the few things I shipped!
I've moved a fair amount and have done similar things, though more like 50%, and I also haven't parted with my journals. Though I never go back and reread them. Do you? So I sometimes wonder why I'm hauling them around with me. Haha. Photos I do look at!! Glad you liked the essay!
When I did my big move to NZ, I did sit and read through a few old journals. It was quite confronting! Both seeing the mistakes my younger self was making (in relationships especially) and also seeing a number of struggles which haven't really shifted and I still find myself writing about now! It was a good exercise in trying to find self-compassion 😏
Yes I have kept mine - they are an extension of ourselves and should be treated as such. I think anyone who ‘journals’ with the intention of full coherence is highly suspect myself and clearly has absolutely no interior world. I feel sorry for them in that regard. However mental health practitioners think otherwise. They clearly are not very bright.
I have a similar issue with photographs. Digitally, I don't like to have a record of my life in a scroll, even though I write essays that deal with every day life often. The photos tend to keep me in the back of my mind, looking back. Often those are filled with regret or sadness. I prefer to look forward. I'm sure some would say this is an issue with my inner self and I wouldn't necessarily disagree, but it's something to ponder.
I tend to, yes. I think it's more about letting go of memories from the past. There are a few I will keep, but in large I tend to delete them. And I tend to be a minimalist at heart, so even though they are digital, I will try to keep them to a minimum.
Fascinating piece! I love buying notebooks, but don’t have the enthusiasm to write in them like I once did (and sometimes miss it). But when I was journaling I’d finish a notebook, throw it away, and start again. Often using a grocery store side spiral notebook. I kept years’ worth of journals after I quit drinking; then one day went through them all, saw a repeating theme which was helpful, attempted to do some ceremonial burn (didn’t pan out) then took them to the dumpster. After that I lost all sentimental attachments to my notebooks. Thanks for this wonderful piece❤️
I'm glad you enjoyed Sarah's essay! And a fascinating story of your own relationship to notebooks!! I still have mine from childhood and teens!! Part of me longs to dump them. Part of me is terrified to do so! Sounds like you made the perfect decision for you! ❤️
I'm naturally a purger. But there are a few notebooks, like the ones I bought in Barcelona 15 years ago that I still can't throw away because of the artful Gaudi on the covers, so they're like souvenirs, oh!, and the colorful paper used. I just went to check out my notebooks and I have GOBS of half-used ones. Sigh. Unfinished Jane, unfinished! :)
I'm a natural purger, too! But I cannot seem to purge the notebooks. Haha. And, yes, in recent years gobs of half-used ones here, as well. It's quite a mess!
The repeating theme is the thing, for me. I’ve kept a daily journal since 1990. But when I re-read that young woman’s entries, in amongst the “what I read” and “what I’m writing”, is just the recurrent boy drama and micro aggressions at work, whinging about everyone else’s behaviour, and resolutions about doing better tomorrow/next month/after X/ in the New Year. So many goals, and many ticked off, but many faded into the sunset. The boy drama on repeat is truly excruciating to read. But as many have said here, it is a record of an evolving self. (She sure needed to evolve!) 😫
I kept notebooks from early childhood. When I turned 50 I tossed them all in a burn barrel and lit the fire. They were written for me, not for others; so I permanently defined that audience. Additionally, I viscerally felt as if I’d set free or let go of the traumas they contained. That pyre was absolutely liberating. When the flames died and the ashes cooled I sifted what remained and used it in an encaustic painting to develop something new and wondrous, lustrous and gorgeous… like the aging me! 😉
I heard on the radio that Ken Dodd had requested that his diaries were not made public after his death but his family have gone ahead and exhibited them anyway. Ken Dodd was a comedian and they often experience poor mental health. I understand his wishes. I also understand that those who have experienced poor mental health are often damned if they do and damned if they don’t. Thank you for a thought-provoking written piece.
"the way we pathologize ourselves and those around us is not normal." Yes. So much yes. Thank you for this beautiful - and personally freeing - interview, Sarah and Jane.
How interesting, I write in many notebooks and constantly misplace them. Then I use others I’ve just found filled with prior disjointed pages. I believe their place is not to record my thoughts but to give them a place to go- to get them out so that they no longer burden me, somehow what’s left in my brain is more organized, most of the time.
When I do venture into journaling, I employ the same method as you: whatever notebook I can root out! In recent years, I've been very (very!) inconsistent so I'm never sure if it's helping. But your note inspires me to give it another go!
It's interesting sometimes I use them quite a bit, and then go through a spell where I don't seem to need them at all. Happy journaling!
I use them the same way! After reading this beautiful essay, I would call it #3 adjacent! (I use notebooks to get my thoughts out and don’t destroy or refer to them but just put them in a drawer). I’m often mortified when I come across the notebooks and am confronted by my old notes. I am now empowered to throw them away, which will rid myself of the “shame” and declutter my house! Thanks Sarah for your vulnerabity
I love that—#3 adjacent!
Love this! That’s how I use my notepads now.
What a great discussion. I just wanted to add that sometimes – at least for me – the thoughts come out easier when I ignore grammar, spelling and punctuation. As the thoughts come out unrestricted, my mind is forced to slow down and processes what I’m feeling. I suspect this is in part why we see a therapeutic benefit from this kind of writing. In psychology, the process has been described as expressive writing (see the work of Dr. James Pennebaker). Again, good stuff. Thanks for sharing.
Not only could I not save my notebooks, I couldn't really even write about myself (even in private) because I could not stand how I looked/sounded to myself in their pages. I read it as whining, messed up, and altogether not what I had decided a person should be. (Because, lacking a stable sense of self due to the many experiences and facts I write about, I had to use a long list of shoulds to fill in for what most folks can do with likes, wants, needs, and boundaries.)
So, of course I am now a writing professor and researcher who studies, recommends, and uses notebooks. Life has a way of INSISTING that we listen to what we need to know, eventually. So much more to unpack about this.
I can relate to much of this! Though I'm still not great with notebooks!
That’s hilarious, Anne. Life’s irony.
First, as someone recently told me, the best essays allow the reader frequently to relate the essay to themselves, and this one certainly did.
And this line below really landed perfectly. .
"It simply never crossed my mind to ask someone to snap a photo of me during a suicidal episode in the emergency room."
I'm starting to use a notebook more, but if a notebook is a record of one's thoughts, then so is a personal Substack, more mannered and edited,. Which reminds me that I want to keep a physical record of my posts, bound together.
Firstly, I'm wondering if that "someone" was Sarah! Secondly, you're right about Substack. I had considered that. But it can be a journal, of sorts. I like the idea of bounding your posts together! Thirdly, I only just discovered your Substack (via the lovely Jillian Hess) and it's wonderful! I read your most recent post about NYC and keep meaning to comment but it's turning into one of those days! I look forward to reading more! Lovely to find you here!
Indeed, it was Sarah. Very happy to have you as a reader, Jane.
Excellent advice that person gave you!
Love this essay. Journaling is right up there with morning coffee for me -- sacred and non-negotiable. For over 20 years I have dutifully written 3 (or 11) morning pages a' la' The Artist's Way in black and white composition notebooks and never re-read a single word. When one is full, it gets shredded by the weekend. I also keep journals full of ideas I catch, phrases I adore, and things people share. They are more like commonplace books that serve as guideposts and inspiration for how I want to show up in the world. There's just something about compiling, writing by hand, and documenting that helps me work through just about anything -- they're tactile touchstones for me. And even if they go into a dustbin when I move on, not one single moment will have been wasted.
Until Sarah's essay, I didn't know the routine destroying of journals was a thing. Y'all have me thinking about my stacks of journals tucked away in my trunk! So glad you enjoyed the essay!
I didn’t know it was a thing either! I thought I was all alone.
For 40 years, I too am a TAW Writer. Helps clear the path for my creative writing and other artistry. But, as Julia Cameron insists: I do not reread. And what a bonfire ahead-- to ignite and witness these words I write-- curl up in smoke as I watch & wonder ...
I’m so jealous of true journalers!
Write! Impressive. I love that.
I didn’t know about Sarah’s memoir until reading this today (I know her as a Substack goddess) and whoa! Her book could be a proposal “comp” for mine (which is basically the story of what it’s like to be the daughter of someone who went through what Sarah went through, but the mother never got better…). So I’m off to order it and prioritize it in my TBR pile. BUT! Back to the topic: Notebook-wise, I never kept a journal once my mother’s mental illness got severe. Too painful and too hard to compartmentalize when you have to write down your day. I’d of course do it differently now!
I'm so glad Sarah's essay resonated with you! I think you will enjoy her book, as well! I completely understand stopping the journal. I stopped after head and brain injury. As you note, too painful and too hard. At times I wish I could look back and better document my improvements. But journaling is not for me at the moment. And, yes, I wish I could have done and do it differently. But we do what we can!! 🌸
Oh my, what we all went through! I’m seeing so much of myself here. I don’t know how I decided to start writing and reading on Substack but thank goodness I did. I love Sarah’s and Jane’s and Jeannine Ouelette’s newsletters, and thanks in no small part to Sarah’s creation of community for newbies through her workshops, I’ve connected with some lovely folks.
That's so wonderful, Elizabeth! It is a thriving and loving community! So glad you're here!
Wonderful! I’m so glad you’re here.
Thank you for reading Pathological! Your book is the perfect compliment and so needed.
Love Sarah and this beautiful, honest and vulnerable essay.
I'm so glad, Imola!
Thank you!
Thank YOU sarah!
Beautiful essay. I'm intrigued to read Sarah's books. Notebooks have been one of my treasured possessions. When I moved from the UK to New Zealand in my 30s I threw out or gave away 95% of everything I owned so that I could travel light in the world. My notebooks and journals, along with my photos, were one of the few things I shipped!
I've moved a fair amount and have done similar things, though more like 50%, and I also haven't parted with my journals. Though I never go back and reread them. Do you? So I sometimes wonder why I'm hauling them around with me. Haha. Photos I do look at!! Glad you liked the essay!
When I did my big move to NZ, I did sit and read through a few old journals. It was quite confronting! Both seeing the mistakes my younger self was making (in relationships especially) and also seeing a number of struggles which haven't really shifted and I still find myself writing about now! It was a good exercise in trying to find self-compassion 😏
Hmm. Maybe I’ll break out some of the old ones…
Thank you for reading!
Yes I have kept mine - they are an extension of ourselves and should be treated as such. I think anyone who ‘journals’ with the intention of full coherence is highly suspect myself and clearly has absolutely no interior world. I feel sorry for them in that regard. However mental health practitioners think otherwise. They clearly are not very bright.
I have a similar issue with photographs. Digitally, I don't like to have a record of my life in a scroll, even though I write essays that deal with every day life often. The photos tend to keep me in the back of my mind, looking back. Often those are filled with regret or sadness. I prefer to look forward. I'm sure some would say this is an issue with my inner self and I wouldn't necessarily disagree, but it's something to ponder.
Interesting! Do you delete the photos??
I tend to, yes. I think it's more about letting go of memories from the past. There are a few I will keep, but in large I tend to delete them. And I tend to be a minimalist at heart, so even though they are digital, I will try to keep them to a minimum.
I feel like I could throw out my journals before my photos! They hold so much sweetness for me! But I do understand the desire to trim!!
Me… a daily journaler, quickly googling all the brands you named to see if any peaks my interest.
Oh my gosh, I'm not a journaler, but I also googled! Some beautiful ones!!
I really like to get pretty ones because they inspire me to open & write even on days I don’t feel like it. Did you get inspired?
Wishful...but not inspired. Sigh.
sigh indeed. Maybe in your next life.
They’re all really great—I must admit. Love the Japanese!
I have always loved the ones that wrap. Like a leather bound witches spell book or something. That’s the vibe I’m always on the hunt for.
Just wow. Thank you so much.
I'm so glad you enjoyed it!
Those 4 N's are great advice! I'm going to try that myself.
I agree! They seem very helpful!
Great! They’re so helpful.
I keep a private journal mostly to facilitate devotions and prayer. If anyone ever read them, I hope they would see Christ rather than me
Also I can’t write straight without lines
That's so beautiful, Sakari! And I kind of go off kilter w/o lines, too!
So interesting. I love that.
Fascinating piece! I love buying notebooks, but don’t have the enthusiasm to write in them like I once did (and sometimes miss it). But when I was journaling I’d finish a notebook, throw it away, and start again. Often using a grocery store side spiral notebook. I kept years’ worth of journals after I quit drinking; then one day went through them all, saw a repeating theme which was helpful, attempted to do some ceremonial burn (didn’t pan out) then took them to the dumpster. After that I lost all sentimental attachments to my notebooks. Thanks for this wonderful piece❤️
I'm glad you enjoyed Sarah's essay! And a fascinating story of your own relationship to notebooks!! I still have mine from childhood and teens!! Part of me longs to dump them. Part of me is terrified to do so! Sounds like you made the perfect decision for you! ❤️
I'm naturally a purger. But there are a few notebooks, like the ones I bought in Barcelona 15 years ago that I still can't throw away because of the artful Gaudi on the covers, so they're like souvenirs, oh!, and the colorful paper used. I just went to check out my notebooks and I have GOBS of half-used ones. Sigh. Unfinished Jane, unfinished! :)
I'm a natural purger, too! But I cannot seem to purge the notebooks. Haha. And, yes, in recent years gobs of half-used ones here, as well. It's quite a mess!
The repeating theme is the thing, for me. I’ve kept a daily journal since 1990. But when I re-read that young woman’s entries, in amongst the “what I read” and “what I’m writing”, is just the recurrent boy drama and micro aggressions at work, whinging about everyone else’s behaviour, and resolutions about doing better tomorrow/next month/after X/ in the New Year. So many goals, and many ticked off, but many faded into the sunset. The boy drama on repeat is truly excruciating to read. But as many have said here, it is a record of an evolving self. (She sure needed to evolve!) 😫
I think we shared a journal or two!
We’re kindred spirits!
I kept notebooks from early childhood. When I turned 50 I tossed them all in a burn barrel and lit the fire. They were written for me, not for others; so I permanently defined that audience. Additionally, I viscerally felt as if I’d set free or let go of the traumas they contained. That pyre was absolutely liberating. When the flames died and the ashes cooled I sifted what remained and used it in an encaustic painting to develop something new and wondrous, lustrous and gorgeous… like the aging me! 😉
Oh my gosh, I love this!! I'm inspired! How wonderful! ❤️
I heard on the radio that Ken Dodd had requested that his diaries were not made public after his death but his family have gone ahead and exhibited them anyway. Ken Dodd was a comedian and they often experience poor mental health. I understand his wishes. I also understand that those who have experienced poor mental health are often damned if they do and damned if they don’t. Thank you for a thought-provoking written piece.
Oh, that's terrible! Yes, Sarah's essay has me pondering much, as well!
There is not too much that can be done regarding respecting anyone’s privacy posthumously really!
Wow! That’s terrible.
It is!
"the way we pathologize ourselves and those around us is not normal." Yes. So much yes. Thank you for this beautiful - and personally freeing - interview, Sarah and Jane.
I loved that quote, too! Glad you enjoyed the essay, Dana!
Indeed it isn’t! Someone somewhere is making money from it.
You’re so welcome!