Thank you so much, dear Mesa! I almost didn't post it this morning. In light of ICE murdering Renee Nicole Good yesterday it felt foolish. I wish I had added something about how hopeful wanting and action can also apply to regaining our country and throwing out these hideous thugs. But I was still reeling and it didn't cross my mind to edit it. ❤️
Jane, such a raw, vulnerable and touching piece today.
“Even at my darkest, I never lost my gratitude: it’s my root system from which all else grows.”
When I read that, I thought, how could Jane lose her gratitude, for isn’t gratitude sourced internally? And then I thought about how I often lose ‘touch’ with my gratitude and once reconnected with it, my well being improves.
In reading you essay this morning I realized I've been disconnected from my gratitude a bit and I’m grateful that through you I’m now reconnected to it 🙏
Oh, James, thank you for your kind words! They mean so much. And yes to your thoughts on gratitude being internally sourced and how we can disconnect from and reconnect with it! I wish I'd written that in there!!
Jane, your writing brought it up for me 😊. And it was a client many years ago, who, while contending with brain cancer in his early 20s and lost his mother to breast cancer at the same time, offered me this distinction on gratitude that I haven’t forgotten.
Oh my goodness, James. I had something similar happen to my friend only she had the breast cancer and whilst she was in treatment, her mother died of brain cancer.
Jane it feels like our minds are connected lately! I’ve been noticing how much desire is a powerful force in returning to self after chaos in my personal life. I too shut down any connection to wants/desires for a while and find the pursuit of naming them again both energizing and vulnerable.
This feels so honest and so brave. Naming your wants out loud after years of survival is its own kind of resurrection. I love the distinction you made between wishing and wanting, one passive, one alive with possibility and movement. It reminds me that wanting isn’t greed or ingratitude, it’s evidence of life stirring again. Gratitude can be the root system and wanting can be the new growth. Both can exist without canceling each other out.
How are you feeling about the New Year ? Whooosh ! Just day 9 and my head is spinning. But I am going to let my little light shine into the world, be involved and continue to believe that acts of kindness (no matter how small) truly matter. Happy 2026 to all !
Thank you for sharing this. So much resonates. Health challenges, trauma, anxiety ... it often shrinks our world and demands attention to the small and immediate and this can cause us to forget/ignore/suppress the greater wants. They are there and they matter.
I call myself Buddhish - so I do my best not to want too energetically! At least, not to want what is outside my control. I want to deliver a good TEDx talk (March). I want to write a good book proposal and a good book! I want success and happiness for my son, and do whatever I can to bring it about - but beyond that.... it's in the hands of himself and of fate.
After moving here with my husband and then, within a year, getting COVID, followed by the worse, the triad of ongoing maladies, two of them inherited disorders I have that keep on giving..my life seemed to narrow so fast, almost to winking completely out of existence. The resulting Leslie felt whittled down by a huge sharp grater, down to the essentials, from the Leslie two years ago. The only by product from all that that feels good is a new awareness of all I do not want in my life anymore. This feels like the strongest part of me now. The real me.
Sometimes this clarity feels isolating and makes me seem less homogeneous to the people in my life. They just don’t understand yet. Larry is starting too. But I’m not going back to that buttery Southern enabler that I was my whole life. It was not me, but used as a coping skill and a safe facade. I am, Finally(!), so over that act now.
I am beginning to feel a power that is the real me. And I do not know yet what to do with it , because I am still so physically compromised.
I can still write
And I can make art.
But that start up again motivation to be creative has been slow and stutter step like..
I know that this is because of the isolation I feel here in tiny Taos, ( which I’ve discovered is a hermits/ isolationists paradise if you are so inclined ). It’s like nowhere else I’ve lived. It’s been 5 years here now and has proven itself a stubbornly difficult place for me to connect with others here, which, ironically, that human connection has always been hugely tied into my motivation/ feelings of creativity. Some artist work better in a semi vacuum. I just go flat lined when I have less human contact. I miss my large cities!
I’m 67 years old and we will not ever move. I know this.
Oh, Leslie, thank you for sharing this. This line went straight to my heart: "almost to winking completely out of existence." I know the toll of isolation well. It's a piece of my life, too, after decades of rich community. I hope you are somehow able to find some connection there. Even one good friend can make such a difference! And you write beautifully! I hope you're able to start up a writing practice again. xx
Dear Jane, it’s perfectly okay, and healthy, and necessary to our life force to want! And I say this as a yoga teacher :) I think desires and wants get a bad rap. I see them as fuel, a motor that helps me to get into action. And I think it’s perfectly okay, and allowed,to want more for yourself than mere survival. It’s not greedy. I may sound smart here, but I recognize this feeling. At the moment I am in a survival mode too with my daughter’s health issues and financial instability. I had to accept this situation. And still, I sometimes catch myself wishing I was held, and wishing I wasn’t sleeping alone in my bed. I have no energy and fire to put under this desire, and it’s easier to suppress it. And yet, every once in a while it lets me know that it’s there, and that I’m alive! Wishing you a great year ahead Jane, full of greedy desires!
Oooooh, Imola, I'm sorry to hear about your daughter. I hope she's in a better place soon. And I wholeheartedly agree with your take on wants. Shouting my wants out loud felt like one of the healthiest things I'd done in a very very long time!! Thank you for your kind wishes, friend! And wishing you the manifestation of your wants!! ❤️
Oh Jane, once again I am so moved by your writing, your vulnerability, the many points of light and connection you open by so bravely sharing all of you — and your wants — with us. ‘I want…I want…’ is a cry from my heart too, often, sometimes aloud in my solitude. I have been alone without that companionship/romance I also want since I ended my marriage in fall 2022. And then I had the tender, strange, heartbreaking aloneness of caring for a mother vanishing daily before my eyes from dementia. Now she has died, and I am starting over in Barcelona, and my wants are many and can be as frightening as they are exhilarating. What if? What if I don’t get what I want? Can I still be happy, or happy enough? I think so. Like you, I feel such gratitude. The What I Have list is far longer and richer than the What I Want list. I have so many people in my life I love, above all my two daughters, and I know how many love me, too. When I feel myself wanting I remind myself of that — all the love — and it eases the yearning. That said, I hope you do get what you want, Jane 💗
Thank you for sharing all this, Amy. You've definitely had some years, my friend! ❤️ I love this: "as frightening as they are exhilarating." So true! Yes, so much to be grateful for! But I find myself these days wanting my wants! If that makes sense. Haha. Not looking for ways to mitigate them. Just wanting them. For me, in this stretch of my life, it feels like a sign of healing. We'll see!!
Oh Jane, every word of this pierced straight to my heart! My health went into decline about three weeks ago and then took a real nosedive a week ago, and maybe things will get better quickly from here, but the legacy of medical trauma and long-term illness that lives in my body have me vacillating between moments of deep peace/surrender/gratitude, moments of derealisation, and moments that feel on fire with fear and wanting. Thank you for speaking to all of this!
Also, my 73-year-old mom is getting on a plane tomorrow to come help me through this - such a gift, and such a hard thing to need.
Oh, Lisa, I am so so so sorry. It is hard to encounter our legacy of medical trauma and long-term illness. I do my best to work with mine daily. It helps. But there's mountains of it there. Do you do EFT or any sort of energy medicine? For me, much of that trauma is beyond words. So this is where I've found my greatest healing. I'm awfully glad your mom is coming and definitely understand the conflicting emotions around it. Sending much love and support, friend. xx
Thank you so much, Jane! I’ve never tried EFT, but perhaps it’s something I should look into. For me, immersing myself however I can in nature has been hands down my greatest source of healing. That feels very energy-focused in its own way.
Oh gosh, yes, nature is the very best healer. If you want to know more about EFT, et cetera, send me an email! It's certainly not for everyone but if it appeals to you, happy to help if I can!
So true, Jane. What I want now is for ICE to leave my city, for school children to be spared the trauma of seeing ICE agents punch school staff on the school lawn, to stop people getting killed. I want to join the resistance, and thank you for reminding me that a want is something possible. I will work toward my goals.
Oooooh, Sandra, I am so with you! I felt foolish publishing this essay this morning after an ICE agent murdered Renee Nicole Good. It seems so inconsequential. But then I considered the ways want can be applied to everything, including a safe country. I'm so grateful for your kind words. And share you wants. xx
Thanks for this Jane. I’ve also been running too hard on survival mode to remember how to desire or want. Day-to-day is just getting through. I’m hoping 2026 is different. may it be so. 💕
Ooooh, Summer, I've seen your posts about Alaska. It's too much. I'm so sorry. Yes, please, 2026! Though it is not starting out too well at the moment. ❤️
One’s list shape shifts into seasons I sense. Part of our humanness to have these desires, longings, and hope. A sense of inner peace no matter what is happening on the outside fills me. Sometimes more challenging to attain, yet always present if cultivated.
Such a thoughtful piece, Jane. Always my gratitude for how much of yourself you offer. It is felt and appreciated. Xo💜
Thank you, Jane, for this bright spot today. And for the reminder that hopeful wanting is still possible, even if it feels far away. Xoxo
Thank you so much, dear Mesa! I almost didn't post it this morning. In light of ICE murdering Renee Nicole Good yesterday it felt foolish. I wish I had added something about how hopeful wanting and action can also apply to regaining our country and throwing out these hideous thugs. But I was still reeling and it didn't cross my mind to edit it. ❤️
Jane, such a raw, vulnerable and touching piece today.
“Even at my darkest, I never lost my gratitude: it’s my root system from which all else grows.”
When I read that, I thought, how could Jane lose her gratitude, for isn’t gratitude sourced internally? And then I thought about how I often lose ‘touch’ with my gratitude and once reconnected with it, my well being improves.
In reading you essay this morning I realized I've been disconnected from my gratitude a bit and I’m grateful that through you I’m now reconnected to it 🙏
Oh, James, thank you for your kind words! They mean so much. And yes to your thoughts on gratitude being internally sourced and how we can disconnect from and reconnect with it! I wish I'd written that in there!!
Jane, your writing brought it up for me 😊. And it was a client many years ago, who, while contending with brain cancer in his early 20s and lost his mother to breast cancer at the same time, offered me this distinction on gratitude that I haven’t forgotten.
Oh my goodness, James. I had something similar happen to my friend only she had the breast cancer and whilst she was in treatment, her mother died of brain cancer.
Jane it feels like our minds are connected lately! I’ve been noticing how much desire is a powerful force in returning to self after chaos in my personal life. I too shut down any connection to wants/desires for a while and find the pursuit of naming them again both energizing and vulnerable.
That's wonderful, PB!! I do think it's a sign of our vitality being able to return. Yay! Lord knows vital people are so needed now!
This feels so honest and so brave. Naming your wants out loud after years of survival is its own kind of resurrection. I love the distinction you made between wishing and wanting, one passive, one alive with possibility and movement. It reminds me that wanting isn’t greed or ingratitude, it’s evidence of life stirring again. Gratitude can be the root system and wanting can be the new growth. Both can exist without canceling each other out.
Oh, thank you, Nicole! That's so beautifully put! I'm glad it resonated with you. xx
Wanting is the first step towards getting, and gratitude is always good. Hugs.
❤️
How are you feeling about the New Year ? Whooosh ! Just day 9 and my head is spinning. But I am going to let my little light shine into the world, be involved and continue to believe that acts of kindness (no matter how small) truly matter. Happy 2026 to all !
Oooooh, Mary, this actually put a smile on my face. Yes, it's been a hell of a new year. But all the kindness matters!! xx
Glad this put a smile on your face, Jane. Take care, and thanks for your Substack that I so enjoy.
Thank you for sharing this. So much resonates. Health challenges, trauma, anxiety ... it often shrinks our world and demands attention to the small and immediate and this can cause us to forget/ignore/suppress the greater wants. They are there and they matter.
Ooooh, Kathryn, so true! It does shrink our world! And our greater wants do matter, too! Thank you for sharing your beautiful insight! xx
I call myself Buddhish - so I do my best not to want too energetically! At least, not to want what is outside my control. I want to deliver a good TEDx talk (March). I want to write a good book proposal and a good book! I want success and happiness for my son, and do whatever I can to bring it about - but beyond that.... it's in the hands of himself and of fate.
That sounds like a wonderful list of wants, Allegra!! I hope they all happen with ease!
❤️
Thank you, Becca! ❤️
Leslie from New Mexico
After moving here with my husband and then, within a year, getting COVID, followed by the worse, the triad of ongoing maladies, two of them inherited disorders I have that keep on giving..my life seemed to narrow so fast, almost to winking completely out of existence. The resulting Leslie felt whittled down by a huge sharp grater, down to the essentials, from the Leslie two years ago. The only by product from all that that feels good is a new awareness of all I do not want in my life anymore. This feels like the strongest part of me now. The real me.
Sometimes this clarity feels isolating and makes me seem less homogeneous to the people in my life. They just don’t understand yet. Larry is starting too. But I’m not going back to that buttery Southern enabler that I was my whole life. It was not me, but used as a coping skill and a safe facade. I am, Finally(!), so over that act now.
I am beginning to feel a power that is the real me. And I do not know yet what to do with it , because I am still so physically compromised.
I can still write
And I can make art.
But that start up again motivation to be creative has been slow and stutter step like..
I know that this is because of the isolation I feel here in tiny Taos, ( which I’ve discovered is a hermits/ isolationists paradise if you are so inclined ). It’s like nowhere else I’ve lived. It’s been 5 years here now and has proven itself a stubbornly difficult place for me to connect with others here, which, ironically, that human connection has always been hugely tied into my motivation/ feelings of creativity. Some artist work better in a semi vacuum. I just go flat lined when I have less human contact. I miss my large cities!
I’m 67 years old and we will not ever move. I know this.
Your article spoke so loudly to me! Thank you!
Oh, Leslie, thank you for sharing this. This line went straight to my heart: "almost to winking completely out of existence." I know the toll of isolation well. It's a piece of my life, too, after decades of rich community. I hope you are somehow able to find some connection there. Even one good friend can make such a difference! And you write beautifully! I hope you're able to start up a writing practice again. xx
Dear Jane, it’s perfectly okay, and healthy, and necessary to our life force to want! And I say this as a yoga teacher :) I think desires and wants get a bad rap. I see them as fuel, a motor that helps me to get into action. And I think it’s perfectly okay, and allowed,to want more for yourself than mere survival. It’s not greedy. I may sound smart here, but I recognize this feeling. At the moment I am in a survival mode too with my daughter’s health issues and financial instability. I had to accept this situation. And still, I sometimes catch myself wishing I was held, and wishing I wasn’t sleeping alone in my bed. I have no energy and fire to put under this desire, and it’s easier to suppress it. And yet, every once in a while it lets me know that it’s there, and that I’m alive! Wishing you a great year ahead Jane, full of greedy desires!
Oooooh, Imola, I'm sorry to hear about your daughter. I hope she's in a better place soon. And I wholeheartedly agree with your take on wants. Shouting my wants out loud felt like one of the healthiest things I'd done in a very very long time!! Thank you for your kind wishes, friend! And wishing you the manifestation of your wants!! ❤️
Oh Jane, once again I am so moved by your writing, your vulnerability, the many points of light and connection you open by so bravely sharing all of you — and your wants — with us. ‘I want…I want…’ is a cry from my heart too, often, sometimes aloud in my solitude. I have been alone without that companionship/romance I also want since I ended my marriage in fall 2022. And then I had the tender, strange, heartbreaking aloneness of caring for a mother vanishing daily before my eyes from dementia. Now she has died, and I am starting over in Barcelona, and my wants are many and can be as frightening as they are exhilarating. What if? What if I don’t get what I want? Can I still be happy, or happy enough? I think so. Like you, I feel such gratitude. The What I Have list is far longer and richer than the What I Want list. I have so many people in my life I love, above all my two daughters, and I know how many love me, too. When I feel myself wanting I remind myself of that — all the love — and it eases the yearning. That said, I hope you do get what you want, Jane 💗
Thank you for sharing all this, Amy. You've definitely had some years, my friend! ❤️ I love this: "as frightening as they are exhilarating." So true! Yes, so much to be grateful for! But I find myself these days wanting my wants! If that makes sense. Haha. Not looking for ways to mitigate them. Just wanting them. For me, in this stretch of my life, it feels like a sign of healing. We'll see!!
Oh Jane, every word of this pierced straight to my heart! My health went into decline about three weeks ago and then took a real nosedive a week ago, and maybe things will get better quickly from here, but the legacy of medical trauma and long-term illness that lives in my body have me vacillating between moments of deep peace/surrender/gratitude, moments of derealisation, and moments that feel on fire with fear and wanting. Thank you for speaking to all of this!
Also, my 73-year-old mom is getting on a plane tomorrow to come help me through this - such a gift, and such a hard thing to need.
Oh, Lisa, I am so so so sorry. It is hard to encounter our legacy of medical trauma and long-term illness. I do my best to work with mine daily. It helps. But there's mountains of it there. Do you do EFT or any sort of energy medicine? For me, much of that trauma is beyond words. So this is where I've found my greatest healing. I'm awfully glad your mom is coming and definitely understand the conflicting emotions around it. Sending much love and support, friend. xx
Thank you so much, Jane! I’ve never tried EFT, but perhaps it’s something I should look into. For me, immersing myself however I can in nature has been hands down my greatest source of healing. That feels very energy-focused in its own way.
Oh gosh, yes, nature is the very best healer. If you want to know more about EFT, et cetera, send me an email! It's certainly not for everyone but if it appeals to you, happy to help if I can!
So true, Jane. What I want now is for ICE to leave my city, for school children to be spared the trauma of seeing ICE agents punch school staff on the school lawn, to stop people getting killed. I want to join the resistance, and thank you for reminding me that a want is something possible. I will work toward my goals.
Oooooh, Sandra, I am so with you! I felt foolish publishing this essay this morning after an ICE agent murdered Renee Nicole Good. It seems so inconsequential. But then I considered the ways want can be applied to everything, including a safe country. I'm so grateful for your kind words. And share you wants. xx
Thanks for this Jane. I’ve also been running too hard on survival mode to remember how to desire or want. Day-to-day is just getting through. I’m hoping 2026 is different. may it be so. 💕
Ooooh, Summer, I've seen your posts about Alaska. It's too much. I'm so sorry. Yes, please, 2026! Though it is not starting out too well at the moment. ❤️
One’s list shape shifts into seasons I sense. Part of our humanness to have these desires, longings, and hope. A sense of inner peace no matter what is happening on the outside fills me. Sometimes more challenging to attain, yet always present if cultivated.
Such a thoughtful piece, Jane. Always my gratitude for how much of yourself you offer. It is felt and appreciated. Xo💜
Thank you so much, Joanie! ❤️❤️❤️