Oh, Gina, that's a lot! I'm glad you're in a good place now. And, yes, such a lovely community!! Glad to have you here at Beyond! Take good care of yourself! ❤️
Thank you. Just thank you. As I often say to my clients 'Some people need to grieve losing the love of their life, and some people have to grieve never having found them'. Beautiful xxxx
Thanks for this-- it is truly beautiful. You capture that weird, sad Siberia between the conscious end of a marriage and what finally comes after. And for what it is worth, I think thoughtful, slow-baked essays that show emotional and intellectual work on the page are very much worth the wait. They have their own timeline, and respecting it elevates the work, and the reader.
Powerful impact, Jane, and Iike so many of us who were deeply in love and then, we weren't, we still carry many memories of good times with good people. And, when you have children who go through the trauma of "losing" a parent and trying to stay in touch with both of them, it can get more complicated. My first marriage was 35 years, not exactly a failed relationship, and this second one is now on year 28. It's not the length of time but the qualities of shared lives that help make these relationships worthwhile. And, you are spot on about humor, warmth and caring, and facing the truth.
When my first wife and I decided it was time to end it, I remember her saying, "I didn't think this would be how it would end." I didn't ask her how she imagined it would end. I have a good idea how this one will end and we have some plans for that event. Until then, we are grateful and glad for our continuing adventures of sharing, caring, loving, laughing and living. Thanks, Jane, as you always enrich the conversations about what is meaningful and worthwhile.
You're not surprised? In some ways, I am, and I call them "Glad Surprises" which is the title of my new post, coming tomorrow. There's a small reference in it about getting to Yes in a relationship and that will mean different things to different people. Have a lovely weekend!
I love your writing because I trust it, completely, even when it takes me places I might not want to go. I always know that I'm being cared for, and that I won't be left shivering alone. That, instead, I'll be left with a deep sense of not just the pain, but always the sweetness, that fills our lives.
I feel like so many men carry a deep sense of being lost, of having to roam on and on in search of something elusive, refusing to ground into anything stable and refusing to let love in fully. And I'm saying that from a place of deepest compassion. The interplay between yin and yang in our modern Western society is just OFF... the essentially yin capacity to hold space for embracing all feelings, including the most terrifying despair and loneliness (and thereby transmuting them into deep strength and belonging), needs a revival - in all genders, and it needs to manifest in our institutions and practices, too. Beautiful story!
After twenty years of dating: I so totally agree. This nameless need to “roam on” and find “it” in a drink, or the next woman... Little capacity to sit still and just “be,” with all that that entails. I’ve met a couple of men who can do it. But it’s incredibly rare. And many women are aware of this imbalance...which is maybe why we’re marrying later or not at all. Not sure how to fix it. I guess it’s not up to us to fix it.
Agree 100%. Completely understand and share the sometimes unbearable urge to just finally FIX this, too. But lately, I've come to understand and try to continuously remind myself that wanting to fully analytically penetrate and then somehow fix it is a YANG urge and it probably won't work that way (being illustrated by how often we drive those men further away as we're attempting to fix what seems to be broken). Society has conditioned yin skills and qualities not only out of men, but also out of women. I try to make myself aware of that and just focus on increasing my capacity to hold space and hold the mystery, dilate around pain and intensity, soothe myself and others with patience and gentle, non-intrusive care... which does all not come easy at all and requires a lot of energy, actually! Pointing to how it's a misunderstanding that yin means passive. Yin is also full of energy and activity, we're just not conditioned to see and appreciate it that way. So I just basically settle on hoping that modeling these yin capacities will function as a gentle invitation (again, to all genders) and that, over a few generations, this will ripple out into a transformed society! Not particularly comforting for anyone trying to make a relationship work right NOW, but what can you do... :'D
I agree with much of this, Lisa! Thank you! I will add, I truly think it was both of us, compounded by we were so young. We met when we were nineteen. So the foundation was laid when we were still practically babies! Haha. And then, yes, not much modeled around us as to how to grow into a more stable place. Of course, complicated by alcohol! ❤️
There’s a strong emotion when I read the moments in that cab journey and the act of letting go of the handle. When you know you have to trust that feeling. We don’t always do what we want to but what we have to. I can imagine this being difficult to write for what it brought up. Thank you for sharing a real life story without nonsense and including the Wintour reaction.
I’m sitting on the floor in exquisite silence... the mist rising across the lake...my cathedral. This resonates and deftly pulls at the delicate stitches that are holding my heart together as it continues to become whole again. Thank you for this moment and your magnificent words.❤️🩹
This is such a thoughtful, provocative, and tender-hearted essay. It’s beautifully written and makes me ache for that young couple. Thanks so much for writing/sharing, Jane ❤️
Oh, Gina, that's a lot! I'm glad you're in a good place now. And, yes, such a lovely community!! Glad to have you here at Beyond! Take good care of yourself! ❤️
Thank you. Just thank you. As I often say to my clients 'Some people need to grieve losing the love of their life, and some people have to grieve never having found them'. Beautiful xxxx
Ooooh, thank you, Donna. And that's so true. I feel incredibly lucky to have had that love with Kory. And your comment confirms it! ❤️
So beautifully real. Thank you.
Thank you, Laurie! ❤️
I loved all of that.x
Thank you so much, Emma! ❤️
This brought back so many memories of my own divorce. Not as difficult since we didn't even like one another by that time. Still, it was hard.
It's so hard! Sorry you've been through it, too! ❤️
Thanks for this-- it is truly beautiful. You capture that weird, sad Siberia between the conscious end of a marriage and what finally comes after. And for what it is worth, I think thoughtful, slow-baked essays that show emotional and intellectual work on the page are very much worth the wait. They have their own timeline, and respecting it elevates the work, and the reader.
Thank you so much, Emily, for your kind words on both my essay and the slow pace at which I write!! Much appreciated! ❤️
Your beautiful words made me cry this Thursday morning, but the good kind of cry that cleanses and heals. Thank you <3
Oh, I'm so glad! Thank you for letting me know, Emily! ❤️
Powerful impact, Jane, and Iike so many of us who were deeply in love and then, we weren't, we still carry many memories of good times with good people. And, when you have children who go through the trauma of "losing" a parent and trying to stay in touch with both of them, it can get more complicated. My first marriage was 35 years, not exactly a failed relationship, and this second one is now on year 28. It's not the length of time but the qualities of shared lives that help make these relationships worthwhile. And, you are spot on about humor, warmth and caring, and facing the truth.
When my first wife and I decided it was time to end it, I remember her saying, "I didn't think this would be how it would end." I didn't ask her how she imagined it would end. I have a good idea how this one will end and we have some plans for that event. Until then, we are grateful and glad for our continuing adventures of sharing, caring, loving, laughing and living. Thanks, Jane, as you always enrich the conversations about what is meaningful and worthwhile.
Thank you, Gary! And I'm not at all surprised to learn you've been in two such longterm and devoted relationships! ❤️
You're not surprised? In some ways, I am, and I call them "Glad Surprises" which is the title of my new post, coming tomorrow. There's a small reference in it about getting to Yes in a relationship and that will mean different things to different people. Have a lovely weekend!
I love your writing because I trust it, completely, even when it takes me places I might not want to go. I always know that I'm being cared for, and that I won't be left shivering alone. That, instead, I'll be left with a deep sense of not just the pain, but always the sweetness, that fills our lives.
Oh my gosh, thank you so much for these kind words, Kate! You've deeply touched my heart! ❤️
I feel like so many men carry a deep sense of being lost, of having to roam on and on in search of something elusive, refusing to ground into anything stable and refusing to let love in fully. And I'm saying that from a place of deepest compassion. The interplay between yin and yang in our modern Western society is just OFF... the essentially yin capacity to hold space for embracing all feelings, including the most terrifying despair and loneliness (and thereby transmuting them into deep strength and belonging), needs a revival - in all genders, and it needs to manifest in our institutions and practices, too. Beautiful story!
After twenty years of dating: I so totally agree. This nameless need to “roam on” and find “it” in a drink, or the next woman... Little capacity to sit still and just “be,” with all that that entails. I’ve met a couple of men who can do it. But it’s incredibly rare. And many women are aware of this imbalance...which is maybe why we’re marrying later or not at all. Not sure how to fix it. I guess it’s not up to us to fix it.
Agree 100%. Completely understand and share the sometimes unbearable urge to just finally FIX this, too. But lately, I've come to understand and try to continuously remind myself that wanting to fully analytically penetrate and then somehow fix it is a YANG urge and it probably won't work that way (being illustrated by how often we drive those men further away as we're attempting to fix what seems to be broken). Society has conditioned yin skills and qualities not only out of men, but also out of women. I try to make myself aware of that and just focus on increasing my capacity to hold space and hold the mystery, dilate around pain and intensity, soothe myself and others with patience and gentle, non-intrusive care... which does all not come easy at all and requires a lot of energy, actually! Pointing to how it's a misunderstanding that yin means passive. Yin is also full of energy and activity, we're just not conditioned to see and appreciate it that way. So I just basically settle on hoping that modeling these yin capacities will function as a gentle invitation (again, to all genders) and that, over a few generations, this will ripple out into a transformed society! Not particularly comforting for anyone trying to make a relationship work right NOW, but what can you do... :'D
I agree with much of this, Lisa! Thank you! I will add, I truly think it was both of us, compounded by we were so young. We met when we were nineteen. So the foundation was laid when we were still practically babies! Haha. And then, yes, not much modeled around us as to how to grow into a more stable place. Of course, complicated by alcohol! ❤️
Haunting and compelling and authentic. Thank you for sharing it.
Thank you so much, David! I'm glad you enjoyed it! ❤️
There’s a strong emotion when I read the moments in that cab journey and the act of letting go of the handle. When you know you have to trust that feeling. We don’t always do what we want to but what we have to. I can imagine this being difficult to write for what it brought up. Thank you for sharing a real life story without nonsense and including the Wintour reaction.
Thank you for your kind words! Yes, that was a moment of pure knowing and I'm grateful I was able to act on it. ❤️
Absolutely! No matter what you took action. You were lucky. Even though it didn’t seem that way.
I’m sitting on the floor in exquisite silence... the mist rising across the lake...my cathedral. This resonates and deftly pulls at the delicate stitches that are holding my heart together as it continues to become whole again. Thank you for this moment and your magnificent words.❤️🩹
Oh, Laurencia, thank you for your beautiful words. I feel them! ❤️
It's sad and it's sweet, and I knew it complete when I wore a younger (wo)man's clothes. You captured it for many of us.
Thank you so much, Ilona! ❤️
This is such a thoughtful, provocative, and tender-hearted essay. It’s beautifully written and makes me ache for that young couple. Thanks so much for writing/sharing, Jane ❤️
Oooooh, thank you Cindy! Your words mean so so much! ❤️
I've been at that point at the taxi door a few times now, still married. This was beautiful & sad~life♡
Thank you, Claire! Yes, I think there are many many taxi door moments in life! ❤️