In Service Of Connection
The Body, Brain, and Books Eleven Questions with writer Erin Khar
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Erin Khar is a writer and advocate who has established herself as a respected voice in the national conversation about the overdose epidemic. She is the author of STRUNG OUT, of which The New York Times writes, "The thrill of an early Bret Easton Ellis novel — except Khar’s characters aren’t nihilists. Khar’s buoyant writing doesn’t get mired in her dark subject matter.... This is a story she needed to tell; and the rest of the country needs to listen.” Her long-running advice column,
, lives on Substack and her personal essays have appeared in The Times of London Sunday Magazine, SELF, Marie Claire, Salon, HuffPost, Esquire, Cosmopolitan, and elsewhere. Erin’s essay, “Guilty,” was published in Burn it Down: Women Writing About Anger. She was the recipient of a 2012 Eric Hoffer Editor's Choice Prize for her story, "Last House at the End of the Street," which was published in the Best New Writing 2012 anthology. In 2023, Erin was the recipient of a Walter E. Dakin fellowship from the Sewanee Writers’ Conference. When she’s not writing, Erin is probably watching Beverly Hills, 90210. She lives in New York City.
What are you reading now?
I just finished Rufi Thorpe’s Margo’s Got Money Troubles. WOW. From the first paragraph, I knew I would be all in with this book. The voice is so strong, the charcters are so well-developed, the humor is spot on, and it has the perfect combination of plot, warmth, levity, depth, heart, and just damn good, beautiful prose—in the vein of John Irving (one of my most beloved novelists). I adore this book and know it’s one I will reread for sure.
I am about to start Porochista Khakpour’s Tehrangles. As someone who is half-Persian, born and raised in Los Angeles, and a big fan of Porochista’s writing, I have been really looking forward to diving in!
What are your most beloved books from your youth? Did you ever hide any from your parents?
To Kill a Mockingbird and The Outsiders were two of my absolute favorites. Like many young women, I was a big fan of Judy Blume’s books. I loved Are You There God? It's Me, Margaret, Then Again, Maybe I Won’t, and Deenie. But my all-time Blume fave is Starring Sally J. Freedman as Herself, which I have read at least six times. I still have my original copy with little notes in the margins.
I was a voracious reader as a kid—I started reading at age three—and much of my reading happened in the middle of the night because I struggled with insomnia from a very early age. I ran through my books so quickly that I would often sneak into the den and snatch books that were way too adult for an eight-year-old! My parent’s bookshelf is where I discovered John Irving. I didn’t hide the books per se, but I wasn’t exactly advertising that I had The World According to Garp shoved under my pillow.
What’s your favorite book to reread? Any that helped you through a dark time?
Oh gosh, there are many beloved books I’ve read multiple times, particularly when I was going through something—The Joy Luck Club, Tender is the Night, Enough Rope, The Age of Innocence, Written on the Body, and Bastard Out of Carolina. But the book I have probably returned to more than any other is John Irving’s The Hotel New Hampshire, which taught me to “keep passing the open windows.”
What’s an article of clothing that makes you feel most like you?
I mean…. I LOVE a jumpsuit, but a 70s style platform sandal is what I have most consistently gravitated to throughout all phases of my life!
What’s the best piece of wisdom you've encountered recently?
I always circle back to “keep passing the open windows” (see above), but recently, I bought this “feelings toolkit” for my youngest (he just turned seven). Among the items is a little box called a “Worry Keeper.” The idea is you write down what you’re feeling anxious about on a little piece of paper and put it inside the Worry Keeper. Then, it’s not your job to carry that anxiety anymore; the Worry Keeper will hold it for you.
This was obviously intended for a child, but I love it. I’ve found that what often helps the most are simple, symbolic actions that give us a sense of agency. The Worry Keeper does just that.
Tell me about any special relationship you’ve had with an animal, domestic or wild?
Horses (with a special shout-out to Ranson and Celie) saved me when I was growing up; they taught me how to trust and be trusted.
As a kid, my belief system rested on the idea that it was up to me to figure things out. While I knew my parents loved me, I didn’t trust the adults in my life to protect me. Moreover, I didn’t believe I could trust them with the truth—about myself, things that had happened, etc. But when I was riding or taking care of horses, I could just be me. I didn’t have to be one of the many versions of myself I believed other people needed.
Horses, as prey animals, are so in tune with energy. They can sense what you need, when and how to push you, when and how to support you, and when and how to just let you just be. I don’t think I would have survived my tumultuous adolescence had I not had horses in my life.
What's one thing you are happy worked out differently than you expected?
Oh gosh, there are sooooo many to choose from! I think I often—especially when I was young, but even still now in middle age—want something to happen so badly that my view becomes myopic. Thank goodness life doesn’t work to serve my will. None of us can see the whole picture when we are in it.
My greatest source of strength is acceptance—of who I am and where I am right now. That doesn’t mean I don’t strive for things, but I no longer try to force my desired reality onto actual reality. I am so much happier when I accept people for who they are and where they are, too.
The tagline of Ask Erin has always been: She’s made all the mistakes, so you don’t have to…. I have made many, many mistakes—of all varieties. And I survived those mistakes. And I learned from them. They’ve made me who I am today, and the younger me would never believe I’d ever say this: I like who I have become and who I am continuing to become.
Singing in the shower or dancing in the kitchen? Or another favorite way your body expresses itself?
Both! And sometimes singing and dancing in the shower. But never dancing and showering in the kitchen! In general, I enjoy expression—through writing, acting, dancing, singing, making art.
What are your hopes for yourself?
I hope that I keep writing until the very end. I hope that I always remain teachable. I hope that with every passing day, I become a more compassionate person. And I hope that I never lose my curiosity for people.
What’s a kindness that changed your life?
There have been many, but the one that popped into my head right now is from 2009, when someone I’d never met told me I should be writing. He was dating a friend of mine. We’d had brunch together and then spent one of those long, hot, magical July days talking and walking around New York City. I was at a crossroads and needed to shift my life in another direction. He told me I was a writer, and for some reason, I believed him. I went back to school, began writing, started the first incarnation of Ask Erin, and here we are.
What’s a guiding force in your life?
Connection.
I spent many years from childhood into early adulthood wanting to leave, looking for an exit (literally and metaphorically, usually in drugs and men). I have been in continuous recovery from heroin addiction for over 21 years, and the thing I look for now—with the same fervor I used to have for exits—is connection. It is why I write. I believe we turn to art and make art to feel less alone, to see part of the human experience reflected back at us. And it is all in service of connection.
If you enjoyed Erin’s questionnaire, you may also enjoy this one with Sue Shapiro:
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Haha! I’m 84 now, so tight fitting bellbottoms pants and platforms. Not a good look for me, but I can reminisce.
“I no longer try to force my desired reality onto actual reality. I am so much happier when I accept people for who they are and where they are, too.” Words to live by. Thanks Jane and Erin for this delightful interview!