I write in darkness—3:30AM—I light a candle and write longhand, later transfer to computer as the first edit. My debut novel was written entirely in the dark the first draft. Serendipity 🥰
Ooooh, I love that, Trish! I actually had a paragraph about writing in the dark that I cut at the last minute, literally, because I worried things were getting too long. I don't write at 3:30 in the morning!! But in the dark, nevertheless! Do you stay up until 3:30?? Or go to bed early, then rise at 3:30??
I had goosebumps reading this, Jane, and a few tears, too. I keep on tearing up today while reading people's stories and poems; I think everything that's going on is affecting me more deeply than I realised. But this.. you and I are more or less the same ago, and the way you describe those nights out sing to me! I lived those nights here in Switzerland, in Geneva, where the nightlife was never exactly stellar as it's a small town, but my goodness we made the most out of the little there was! And yes, wobbling back home at 5 in the morning, rather off my trolley, and giggling as I shed a trail of clothes from the bathroom to my bed, too exhausted and happy and high on life and possibilities and all the things to care! The dancing! Oh the dancing!
And the seedy clubs where live music played, and we fawned over young cute musicians, and smoked too many cigarettes, and wore black and black and more black and then suddenly paired it with electric blue with matching heels.
I could sleep all day back then. The night was my element. I worked, somehow, rolling in late (or not!) but I was cute and was forgiven! And then later in life, sleep suddenly became elusive. Going to bed became terrifying, because the nights were endless. Even now, with all my health issues (autoimmune IBD, and fibromyalgia), I'm on two antidepressants, one in the morning, and the other at night at a low dose that helps me sleep. But it's made me gain far too much weight this past year despite eating next to nothing, so I'm seeing my psychiatrist next week because I have to stop. But I don't think there is anything else like it that will help me sleep without turning me into a brain-fogged potato during the day, and I'm already freaking out about it! And now I've written an essay...but it's all your fault because I loved what you wrote! Thank you, Jane! Lots of love, and I hope you sleep and that your health is improving. Life throws us some crazy stuff, doesn't it!
Francesca! You did write an essay and it's beautiful!! I felt like I was right there with you in Geneva!! You need to develop this into something longer! And, yes, other than the cigarettes (try as I might, I could never smoke!), our lives our uncannily similar!
I'm sorry for your current struggles. It can be so hard to have a body. Oof. And I understand sleep terror so so well. Luckily, I do sleep quite well these days. So I do believe things can change for you, as well. Our bodies are miraculous. But it did take a while. If you message me, I can share some of what helped me. But, again, there was no instantaneous miracle! I hope you're able to sort it with your doctor! Heaps of love! xJane
Jane- thank you for this beautiful piece...really.
I had the same NYC upbringing in the same years and then moved to LA and then to Miami...I was great friends with concrete and city noises and lights. I felt tough and strong in that space when I was younger.
A couple of years ago I moved to the mountains of NC. Yes it's beautiful - but the intensity of the darkness and the silence - unless there's rustling in the trees - was close to terrifying for me. In the beginning, it was embarrassing how afraid I was.
But it's a new season in my 60's. I've loved where I've lived and the wild and crazy and amazing life I've had as a true "city girl." But now - in this decade I'm learning to hang out in and love nature and quiet and a different kind of darkness. And in that darkness, I've discovered a sense of peace that I have honestly never known.
Oh my gosh, Thea, I had that same experience!! I started writing about it for this piece but it was pulling it in a slightly different direction and making it too long. I couldn't sleep at all in the beginning. I was like, where are the fire trucks?? Where are the people yelling?? Where's the drone of endless traffic?? The quiet unnerved me!! Now I love it! But it took a while. Yes, such a deep peace. I bet our nervous systems are much happier now! Glad you're enjoying your new adventure!
Beautiful essay! I’m so happy for you to be re-acquainted with the Jane that loves the dark! I thought of the book, Night Magic, by Leigh Ann Henion. Her exploration of the joy and wonder of the night may interest you.
Oh Jane, I love your interviews, but I love your essays best! This was so beautiful! But just to reassure you that tenacious Jane with the “drive, her endless desire to help others, especially animals, and her vulnerability, her playfulness and earnestness” is very much here, in the present, and I feel her in your writing!! You haven’t lost her! This is exactly how I see you. Every time I read you! 💕
Your post reached me in a very dark moment and helped me smile and reconnect to myself. Your words and work are so meaningful in this world. Thank you.
Jane - thank you for this beautiful, harrowing story. What a journey you’re on. Life is such a glorious mystery. I’m thankful for great writing like this and for Johnny Cash.
I love this essay and your vulnerability in speaking so candidly about your "pre-injury Jane" and am so heartened to know that you have found her again. It is those parts of ourselves that hold us to our depth, soul and history.
Like you, I love the darkness for its quiet, mystery and feeling that I am alone in "my own little world." I feel more creative when darkness arrives and often work on projects that inspire me and give me artistic purpose. The darkness also connects me to my aloneness which I have grown to enjoy immensely because while most people are winding down their day, for me, it fuels momentum and concentration without distraction of other people's noises or chatter.
Here's to the darkness that brings light to our souls!!
Jane, this is gorgeous writing. I was right there with you in your childhood bed with your stuffed animals and then in the streets of NYC and Detroit. Thanks for writing and sharing this beautiful piece.
Thank you, thank you, Anne!! And, yes, Lidia is SUCH a gift!! This will be my third time interviewing her. I feel so lucky! (If you scroll to the beginning of the interviews, you can see the second time we spoke there. The first was for Longreads.)
This is beautiful Jane. I love darkness too. When I can't sleep, I often step out on my deck and look at the moon and stars, there's an expansiveness that calms and soothes my system. I think I've always been drawn to darkness, literally and metaphorically - I'm sure it has guided my career choices to a great extent 😊
Beautiful essay Jane. I’ve lived in cities and in rural areas and my favorite kind of quiet is sitting outside at night in the middle of spring or summer and listening to all the bugs, owls and other sounds of nature. Also the ocean at night and is something special too.
My relationship with darkness has changed a lot during the 33 years i've lived on this beautiful Earth so far. During my childhood, i was afraid of being left alone in a dark room (I was thinking: "If i do sth wrong and my parents leave me in a dark room, what can i do? I don't wanna end up in that room😭😭). When i got older, then it changed to curiosity (I wanna know whether there's REALLY ANYTHING in a dark place. At that time, i not only had no idea there's sth called a mind that any human has, but also our minds can have dark areas, too. This was my teen version). Fast forward to my early university years, i mean BA period. Now i firmly believe what my teen version didn't believe, but now, i start to occasionally get scared of looking at the areas of my mind, especially the dark ones. And finally, my post-university years and early covid era. Now i feel more courageous looking at what's on my mind (In a sense, by now i've tried to accept the presence of dark areas in my mind because that's where i store my dark thoughts. Don't be scared, by dark i mean thoughts of inflicting harm and suffering on some people, nothing above this level).
Oh, Musings, this is lovely! I can relate to much of it. What a journey! I'm glad you're in a place of acceptance and perhaps even love. Every little bit helps, right! xx
Oh, Jane, i'm glad you answered to my comment. Yes, it's truly been a journey for me. Honestly, i can't say i've come to love my thoughts because sometimes i still get scared looking at some of my dark thoughts (That's the next step in my journey, perhaps). Yes, every little bit helps.😉🙂
This is so beautiful, Jane
Thank you, Mary-Mary!
I write in darkness—3:30AM—I light a candle and write longhand, later transfer to computer as the first edit. My debut novel was written entirely in the dark the first draft. Serendipity 🥰
Ooooh, I love that, Trish! I actually had a paragraph about writing in the dark that I cut at the last minute, literally, because I worried things were getting too long. I don't write at 3:30 in the morning!! But in the dark, nevertheless! Do you stay up until 3:30?? Or go to bed early, then rise at 3:30??
I go to bed early, 8:30ish, wake right up at 3:30, no alarm
I had goosebumps reading this, Jane, and a few tears, too. I keep on tearing up today while reading people's stories and poems; I think everything that's going on is affecting me more deeply than I realised. But this.. you and I are more or less the same ago, and the way you describe those nights out sing to me! I lived those nights here in Switzerland, in Geneva, where the nightlife was never exactly stellar as it's a small town, but my goodness we made the most out of the little there was! And yes, wobbling back home at 5 in the morning, rather off my trolley, and giggling as I shed a trail of clothes from the bathroom to my bed, too exhausted and happy and high on life and possibilities and all the things to care! The dancing! Oh the dancing!
And the seedy clubs where live music played, and we fawned over young cute musicians, and smoked too many cigarettes, and wore black and black and more black and then suddenly paired it with electric blue with matching heels.
I could sleep all day back then. The night was my element. I worked, somehow, rolling in late (or not!) but I was cute and was forgiven! And then later in life, sleep suddenly became elusive. Going to bed became terrifying, because the nights were endless. Even now, with all my health issues (autoimmune IBD, and fibromyalgia), I'm on two antidepressants, one in the morning, and the other at night at a low dose that helps me sleep. But it's made me gain far too much weight this past year despite eating next to nothing, so I'm seeing my psychiatrist next week because I have to stop. But I don't think there is anything else like it that will help me sleep without turning me into a brain-fogged potato during the day, and I'm already freaking out about it! And now I've written an essay...but it's all your fault because I loved what you wrote! Thank you, Jane! Lots of love, and I hope you sleep and that your health is improving. Life throws us some crazy stuff, doesn't it!
Lots of love
Francesca x
Francesca! You did write an essay and it's beautiful!! I felt like I was right there with you in Geneva!! You need to develop this into something longer! And, yes, other than the cigarettes (try as I might, I could never smoke!), our lives our uncannily similar!
I'm sorry for your current struggles. It can be so hard to have a body. Oof. And I understand sleep terror so so well. Luckily, I do sleep quite well these days. So I do believe things can change for you, as well. Our bodies are miraculous. But it did take a while. If you message me, I can share some of what helped me. But, again, there was no instantaneous miracle! I hope you're able to sort it with your doctor! Heaps of love! xJane
Jane- thank you for this beautiful piece...really.
I had the same NYC upbringing in the same years and then moved to LA and then to Miami...I was great friends with concrete and city noises and lights. I felt tough and strong in that space when I was younger.
A couple of years ago I moved to the mountains of NC. Yes it's beautiful - but the intensity of the darkness and the silence - unless there's rustling in the trees - was close to terrifying for me. In the beginning, it was embarrassing how afraid I was.
But it's a new season in my 60's. I've loved where I've lived and the wild and crazy and amazing life I've had as a true "city girl." But now - in this decade I'm learning to hang out in and love nature and quiet and a different kind of darkness. And in that darkness, I've discovered a sense of peace that I have honestly never known.
I just knew about being on high alert...
Oh my gosh, Thea, I had that same experience!! I started writing about it for this piece but it was pulling it in a slightly different direction and making it too long. I couldn't sleep at all in the beginning. I was like, where are the fire trucks?? Where are the people yelling?? Where's the drone of endless traffic?? The quiet unnerved me!! Now I love it! But it took a while. Yes, such a deep peace. I bet our nervous systems are much happier now! Glad you're enjoying your new adventure!
Beautiful essay! I’m so happy for you to be re-acquainted with the Jane that loves the dark! I thought of the book, Night Magic, by Leigh Ann Henion. Her exploration of the joy and wonder of the night may interest you.
Thank you, Tracey! And that book looks magnificent!! I just ordered it. Thank you!
Oh Jane, I love your interviews, but I love your essays best! This was so beautiful! But just to reassure you that tenacious Jane with the “drive, her endless desire to help others, especially animals, and her vulnerability, her playfulness and earnestness” is very much here, in the present, and I feel her in your writing!! You haven’t lost her! This is exactly how I see you. Every time I read you! 💕
Thank you, dear Imola!! That means so much! ❤️
Your post reached me in a very dark moment and helped me smile and reconnect to myself. Your words and work are so meaningful in this world. Thank you.
Oh, gosh, thank you, Krista, that means everything to me. I hope you find peace in your darkness! ❤️
Jane - thank you for this beautiful, harrowing story. What a journey you’re on. Life is such a glorious mystery. I’m thankful for great writing like this and for Johnny Cash.
Oooh, thank you, Julie. Your words mean so much. And, yes, deep gratitude for Johnny!!
In dimly lit rooms,
angels, demons, surprises.
Hidden in plain sight.
Lovely! And so true!
Dear Jane,
I love this essay and your vulnerability in speaking so candidly about your "pre-injury Jane" and am so heartened to know that you have found her again. It is those parts of ourselves that hold us to our depth, soul and history.
Like you, I love the darkness for its quiet, mystery and feeling that I am alone in "my own little world." I feel more creative when darkness arrives and often work on projects that inspire me and give me artistic purpose. The darkness also connects me to my aloneness which I have grown to enjoy immensely because while most people are winding down their day, for me, it fuels momentum and concentration without distraction of other people's noises or chatter.
Here's to the darkness that brings light to our souls!!
Oh, that's beautiful, Jo-Anne! Here's to lighting up our souls with darkness! And thank you for your kind words!
Jane, this is gorgeous writing. I was right there with you in your childhood bed with your stuffed animals and then in the streets of NYC and Detroit. Thanks for writing and sharing this beautiful piece.
Thanks you so much, Carey!! I'm glad you enjoyed it!
⭐️💫⚡️🌕🌔 🪐 ah Jane, so tender. the darkness is a gift! my heart smiled when you found yourself there 💫.
looking forward to your interview with Lidia. i am slow reading Riding the Waves right now. she is a Pacific NW gift.
Thank you, thank you, Anne!! And, yes, Lidia is SUCH a gift!! This will be my third time interviewing her. I feel so lucky! (If you scroll to the beginning of the interviews, you can see the second time we spoke there. The first was for Longreads.)
I loved this so very much, thank you Jane 🫶 xx
I'm so glad, Helen! Thank you for letting me know! ❤️
This is beautiful Jane. I love darkness too. When I can't sleep, I often step out on my deck and look at the moon and stars, there's an expansiveness that calms and soothes my system. I think I've always been drawn to darkness, literally and metaphorically - I'm sure it has guided my career choices to a great extent 😊
Thank you, Vicki!! Yes, it's soooooo soothing! I'm glad you experience that, as well. And I'm sure it's guided both of us! ❤️
Beautiful essay Jane. I’ve lived in cities and in rural areas and my favorite kind of quiet is sitting outside at night in the middle of spring or summer and listening to all the bugs, owls and other sounds of nature. Also the ocean at night and is something special too.
Yes! Yes, yes, yes. And the ocean: yes! It's like no other music!!
My relationship with darkness has changed a lot during the 33 years i've lived on this beautiful Earth so far. During my childhood, i was afraid of being left alone in a dark room (I was thinking: "If i do sth wrong and my parents leave me in a dark room, what can i do? I don't wanna end up in that room😭😭). When i got older, then it changed to curiosity (I wanna know whether there's REALLY ANYTHING in a dark place. At that time, i not only had no idea there's sth called a mind that any human has, but also our minds can have dark areas, too. This was my teen version). Fast forward to my early university years, i mean BA period. Now i firmly believe what my teen version didn't believe, but now, i start to occasionally get scared of looking at the areas of my mind, especially the dark ones. And finally, my post-university years and early covid era. Now i feel more courageous looking at what's on my mind (In a sense, by now i've tried to accept the presence of dark areas in my mind because that's where i store my dark thoughts. Don't be scared, by dark i mean thoughts of inflicting harm and suffering on some people, nothing above this level).
Oh, Musings, this is lovely! I can relate to much of it. What a journey! I'm glad you're in a place of acceptance and perhaps even love. Every little bit helps, right! xx
Oh, Jane, i'm glad you answered to my comment. Yes, it's truly been a journey for me. Honestly, i can't say i've come to love my thoughts because sometimes i still get scared looking at some of my dark thoughts (That's the next step in my journey, perhaps). Yes, every little bit helps.😉🙂