Honesty Will Always Bring Me Closer To Love
The Body, Brain, and Books: Eleven Questions with writer Laura McKowen
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What are you reading now?
I just finished Liars by Sarah Manguso, which was absolutely incredible. I have to mention it because it was that good. Right now, I’m reading You Are The One You’ve Been Waiting For by Richard Shwartz, which is about applying Internal Family Systems in Intimate Relationships. It’s an older book that was just re-published as a new edition last year. I’m a psychology nerd so I’m always reading something like this.
What are your most beloved books from your youth? Did you ever hide any from your parents?
In my elementary days it was The Boxcar Children, the entire Ramona Quimby series, Superfudge, all The Babysitters Club books, and Who Put That Hair in My Toothbrush. I would organize and reorganize them in my hutch bookcase constantly.
As a teenager, when I started to struggle emotionally, I started to get into books like Conversations with God by Neale Donald Walsch and Iyanla Vanzant’s In The Meantime. This was when I started to turn to books for survival. I don’t remember ever hiding books!
What’s your favorite book to reread? Any that helped you through a dark time?
I don’t generally re-read novels. I can’t actually think of one I’ve read more than once. But I’ve read or listened to the memoirs Drinking: A Love Story by Caroline Knapp, Dry by Augusten Burroughs, Let’s Take the Long Way Home by Gail Caldwell, and Lit by Mary Karr multiple times. They all helped me understand what was happening to me (addiction) before I could admit it to myself or anyone else, and got me through the first years of sobriety.
I read Stephen King’s On Writing about once a year.
The three books I can say really saved my life are When Things Fall Apart by Pema Chodron, Broken Open by Elizabeth Lesser, and Tiny Beautiful Things by
.What’s an article of clothing that makes you feel most like you?
A basic black tank top from J Crew. Simple. Comfortable. Timeless. And no sleeves (I hate sleeves!).
What’s the best piece of wisdom you've encountered recently?
“It’s not personal.” It’s not new wisdom, but I’ve needed it in a new context recently. I’m the kind of person who tends to always think I’m in trouble or that I’ve done something wrong if someone is angry with me (or even if they’re not!). It’s a relic of my childhood and I’ve come a long way, but it can still sneak up on me if I’m in a vulnerable state.
My engagement ended earlier this year and I’ve had to really work with myself to de-personalize behaviors.
Tell me about any special relationship you’ve had with an animal, domestic or wild?
My two cats, Piper and Jack, are the loves of my life. They’re both tuxedo cats and I got them around the same time, though they’re not related. They’re the first cats I’ve ever had and I can’t believe I went so long without owning one! They’re hilarious, silly, snuggly, and smart.
What's one thing you are happy worked out differently than you expected?
Oh, easy: I never thought I’d be someone who had to get sober and stop drinking alcohol. I thought I’d have a romantic relationship with it throughout my whole life. I’m certainly happy that wasn’t the case, but it’s so much more than that. Everything good in my life is possible because that one thing didn’t work out.
Singing in the shower or dancing in the kitchen? Or another favorite way your body expresses itself?
Dancing in the kitchen. I don’t do enough of it, but when I remember I can, it’s like, Oh! My body needs this! I’ve gone out dancing with my friends more than a few nights in the last year and it’s the best.
What are your hopes for yourself?
I want to write many, many books. I hope to have a beautiful relationship with my daughter for the rest of my life. I hope to love as well as I can, and for the people I love to be fortified by that.
What’s a kindness that changed your life?
So many people I met in my early years of getting sober changed my life with their kindness. One woman in particular called me the morning after I’d left her a clearly drunk message the night before. I was too ashamed to answer, but in her message, she said nothing about my call, just told me she was thinking of me and asked me if I wanted to go have lunch. No shame, no accusations, no patronizing tone or questions. Countless moments like this saved my life.
What’s a guiding force in your life?
I work to be as honest with myself and others as I can. It’s a constant practice because sometimes the truth is inconvenient or unclear or complex, and also, we are constantly evolving and changing. But I’ve learned that honesty will always bring me closer to love, and so I try hard to stay in integrity that way because if I don’t, I get pretty sick.
If you enjoyed Laura’s questionnaire, you may also enjoy this one with Amanda Hinton:
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Hooray Laura!! I loved the wisdom imparted “it’s not personal”. What a reframing of behavior! Being the psychology nerd that I am, this really spoke to me ♥️♥️
I’ve followed Laura for years on social media 😊 and love learning about my favorite people!!
Thank you, Jane 🖤
What a beautiful interview, thank you so much, Jane and Laura. The emphasis on honesty in relationships hits home for me especially. I think we often underestimate how very hard this is to do, especially being new to it in recovery. Laura's work has helped me tremendously in this regard. Thank heavens for brave writers. :)