Good News & Gratitude #4

Butterflies, walking with a friend, and coming to new understandings amidst burnout

On Sunday, my friend (my cousin’s son’s wife whom I adore!) came over at noon. We ate and talked and talked and laughed and walked and laughed and talked some more. On our walk, we visited a friend’s garden who raises Monarch butterflies and had the good luck of arriving just as two were ready to be released. With a little gentle nudging, they hopped on our fingers and then flew off into the vast blueness of the sky. And we cried. Then we walked some more as one of our butterflies circled our heads. We got back to my house and just kept talking and eating chocolate and hugging and inching our way toward the door and at last Zoeie left around five.

It was a perfect day.

Then: As I closed the door, I was almost (not quite) bowled over with guilt. I hadn’t done any work. And, what’s more, I didn’t want to. I tittered around a bit, made a leisurely dinner promising myself I would most definitely work once I had some food in me. But when I finished my meal, I still didn’t want to. In fact, I felt incapable of doing so. And for the first time in what feels like forever, I didn’t.

The necessity to work is real. I have an interminable stack of things I need to do. I am never ahead, let alone caught up. Some of it comes from living alone: you’re the only person doing the dishes, shopping for food, making the meals, taking out the garbage, walking the dog, feeding the birds, pulling weeds, et cetera. Plus: you’re the only person making the money. A friend pointed out a few months ago that whilst problematic in countless ways, the old-fashioned division of labor between domestic work and earning income made sense in that it’s a staggering amount of labor for any one person to carry alone.

Yet: So many of us are. I see it all around me. Even friends who do have partners or live in situations with shared labor seem to have To Do lists that are never completed; they drag them around like Marley and his chains.

Even in my attempts to live an engaged but gentle life, I’m exhausted. In fact, I think it’s safe to say I’ve hit burnout. So I’ve been trying to figure out how to honor my responsibilities and also honor my mental and physical health. How to give myself a day off—and to not feel like I’ve done something wrong!

For me, the roots lie in a strong work ethic (my parents grew up poor in WWII London) and financial challenges from ongoing healthcare needs (head and brain injury). But I’ve come to realize that the deepest roots of my guilt lie in the years when I was so ill I could barely function, spending most of my day on the couch watching Law & Order. During all that vertigo, memory loss, debilitating pain, and so much more, what was most painful was the constant awareness of how much I was missing out on: movies and meals and long, juicy chats with friends, boxing, travel, romance, concerts, laughter and general mischief—and my career as a writer. I lost sense of my value in the world, and part of me never forgave myself for it.

I can see now that some of my current relentless go-go-go is out of necessity to keep a roof over my head, and some is an attempt to soothe a part of me that aches over all that was lost. How to find the balance between the two? I’m not yet sure.

What I am sure about is that last Sunday walking and talking and laughing with my friend felt good. Like good good. I am so deeply grateful, and every ounce of me needs more days like that. So I’m going to make sure they happen.

I am also deeply grateful for you. This newsletter is a lot of work, and during this time of exhaustion I sometimes fantasize about quitting Substack entirely. But then I remember that I love it here, and if there’s a chance I can one day support myself with Beyond, I want to keep going. So thank you for being here with me.

Before I sign off, I’d love to know how you’re taking care of yourself, where you’re finding the energy and strength to go on, and what pockets of joy you’ve stumbled upon. Do you give yourself time off? Have you had an afternoon of bliss lately? Tell me your good news and gratitude!