Such beautiful words, Jane. I’m so glad you wrote about your aunt and the village and what it means to elder (as a verb). So much love to you - and yes, we hold you here with compassion and grace. Thank you for the gift of Beyond and of YOU. ♥️
This is beautiful, Jane. For context, I’m in my late forties, and as I listened (to the very recording), I thought of transitions. I thought of the young people in my life, who I hope I’m loving up as much as they need and deserve.
And I’ve thought of those who have paved the way for me. There are certainly those who are doing so here on Substack who are doing so for me--women in whose writing I can feel the wisdom of having been long engaged in this planet. I feel that here in this post. Thank you. ❤️
Holly, thank you so much for this! It means a lot. And, yes, here's to loving up our beloveds so that they feel in every cell! And I'm glad you've also had generous elders. They change everything!
I think you’ll find it fitting to know that the questionable grammar on my comment was due to my not first reading what I’d written--because my niece called needing last-minute help altering her prom dress. I pressed post and ran on over.👗❤️
I loved this post. The responsibility of being an elder resonates deeply with me. The last of our late-nineties generation passed last year so we are now the ones. How can we serve? How can we teach? I am a retired teacher of writing, in my late sixties now, and I ache at missing the whole thing but it was time to move on to my own books and finish and get them out into the world. So I also looked for how do I elder now that I’m not weekly in a classroom? I found that my weekly substack has become my way. I believe I am reaching more learners now than ever. It’s almost as alive as the classes and I am beyond grateful to have found it. Thank you for another meaningful read and think!
Oh, that's beautiful, Mary! It sounds like we're on parallel paths! Yes, Substack has offered the possibility of a lovely, tender, supportive community. I'm grateful!
My friend, Emmy Lu, turned 100 in August. I met her when I was in my 30s (I'm 62 now), and she has become a most beloved friend and elder. It's hard to think of my life without her in it. All of which is to say, I am sorry that you lost your Aunt Marge. We need those elders to walk us through the world with wisdom and kindness. Thank you for writing this.
How wonderful that you have Emmy Lu in your life. And 100!! What a beautiful, long friendship you've shared. Yes, we do need them so much! And we're lucky to have them! Thanks for your kind words!
Wonderful Wonderings - that is what this made me feel!
Being the baby in the family, with parents who also were the babies in the family, elders were abundant!
I felt so much love from them all. The stories I heard, especially when they did not realize I was not only hearing them but also listening. I was definitely loved up. All of it seemed to end when Daddy died when I was 12. Everyone was in a quagmire of grief after that.
Aunt Gracie was Daddy’s older sister and she ADORED her little brother. She was my Auntie Marge.
I would spend the night with her. I learned how to plant things from her. We pulled taffy (my older sisters shared in that!)
She took the place of the grandma I never knew.
I miss her still now that I am an elder.
I am so very sorry for your loss. It is S if a piece of you is gone. Eventually that piece will be replaced with a piece of her ✌🏻😘❤️
Oh, Pamela, this is beautiful. Thank you for sharing your memories, I feel as if I know your family now and they sound lovely! And thank you for your kind words. My auntie was very ready to go. So while I do miss her, I'm happy for her. She is with me.
Thank you - same with Aunt Gracie. She lost her sight and lost her independence. She was a woman who could do ANYTHING. She had fruit trees, flowers, berries and was a great role model as a strong woman 💖
Jane, this is beautiful. Thanks for sharing your thoughts and stories with us. You will surely miss your beloved Aunt Marge, and I send my deepest condolences from my heart to yours. She sounds absolutely wonderful. As do the many other dear friends you've had in your life, and still have. I've such respect and love for the elders I'm fortunate to know in this lifetime. And there's never enough time. We always long for more. Thinking of you. XC
I love LOVE this Jane! One more example of my admiring of the ways you think and of how you aim yourself. I’m sorry for the loss of your beloved Auntie, whose love and spirit lives on within you.
Now, I wrote too long in response to your beautiful tribute to your Auntie Marge and thoughts on the importance of the elders.
And yes, I’ve said more than necessary - but I will take your example and just share it anyway, no edits, no too much worry... just because you’ve caused me to think about some things.
I love life passages and exploring the various stretches in our lives.
I am enjoying so much about getting older.
I often have a sense of liberation.
The groundedness is reassuring. Even as joints get tender and sometimes creaky I feel on the cusp of best discovery and launching into new adventures that I’ll apply myself to.
So when the world feels insane, going inward gives me hope and belief. I get to be my own inspiration sometimes at this elder stage - especially by remembering times that I had reached deep and overcame situations.
Higher numbers in our age give us more of our own personal stories to draw from, and it keeps me going. We can actually be our own example.
Elder ourselves when times get harder.
At my age of 66 I naturally share my learnings more fearlessly as well as tell about what is still broken within me even after all these years.
There is wisdom and understanding to be gathered there too, the brokenness.
When a younger person asks me for advice now,
I feel so honored and privileged to respond.
Without hesitation I try to offer some of my best gems, tenderly, accompanied by lots of encouragement and some dashes of challenge (or sometimes words of caution).
One best part of being an elder now is how I fairly regularly say “Sweetie” and other words of affection, particularly with young ones or other strangers I meet. I feel less guarded to do so. More free to give affection.
I sometimes follow by saying, “I hope you don’t mind that I just said that, “Sweetie” but I just can’t help it because I am enjoying the spark in you.”
So far no one has rejected the word.
They always smile as if I’d just hugged them.
Which I had in a way without my arms.
One of my favorite elders in my life who still fuels me even though she left us long ago is my tiny in stature but bold in personality Aunt Helen.
She had a big sense of humor, a husky voice and a Phyllis Diller delivery. She always gave me the feeling of being in my corner, fiercely.
She was a riot at any gathering and at parties she would recite poetry and deliver a string of jokes like she had a stand-up act. I counted on this lightness she provided.
She once asked me in my teen years, “Do you think life is suppose to be about having fun? That we don’t have to sacrifice and suffer?”. I think she had spotted that I was not serious about my school studies at the time.
I thought for a minute and then replied, “Yes, life is supposed to be about having fun. I don’t believe my mom carried me and went through labor to deliver me to suffering. She hoped for more for me and so do I.”
Well, her question firmed my drive toward fulfilling the dreams and finding the fun things.
I understood that with her instructive question she hadn’t intended me to land where I did. But I am so glad her question prompted me to get to the essence of purpose.
I was already so sure life would cause plenty of suffering and challenge and that I’d get involved with lots of hard work and some necessary sacrifice. So then, it seemed to me that my most important job was to tend to the counterbalance: Fun, dreams, finding the rainbows.
Thanks for the great question Auntie Helen❤️
And thank you for your wonderful writing Jane!
You prompted me to think awhile and pleasantly remember.
I only hope I can live up to the special Aunties who have carried us and guided.
Oh my goodness, this is so beautiful! I agree with all of it, including suddenly saying sweetheart or darling, et cetera. We're elders now! Haha. I love your follow up when you do call someone sweetie. Such beautiful remembrances. Thank you for sharing!
Oct 17, 2023·edited Oct 17, 2023Liked by Jane Ratcliffe
I'm so sorry for your loss, Jane. It sounds like your Auntie Marge was such a gift. Your reflections on elders reminded me of the Adam Grant quote about being a good ancestor rather than a good descendent. I just turned 40 and have found myself really craving mentorship and elders, wishing I was known and loved up so specifically and guided so actively by a community of grown ups (even now that I am one myself). I wish there was a matchmaking app for this! It also has me really thinking about how to step into my own role for the children in my life. I hope I can embody this as beautifully as you've described.
I didn't know that quote but I like it! Yes, elders are so important. Of course, in a weird way, when we're young, at least, we take the best elders for granted but their love is so seamless and effortless, without any sort of strings, we don't know otherwise. It took me a while to realize how lucky I was! Dang, I wish I had a roomful of elders now, as well! My sense is you're a wonderful elder! And I think it can fill us up as much as being elder can do.
I’m so happy to know there was an Aunt Marge that loved you up, and from the looks and sound of things, she was dearly loved. I hate to sound cheesy because I don’t always believe that Love is everything, but I do believe it’s a lot. My mother passed in January. Hard loss for me, since she definitely was one who loved me up. But her life was filled with abuse and her way of coping was to never need. In her later years, her need became evident and she trusted me enough to love and care for her. In her final days she said she’d never been loved in this way. That my partner Jim and I gave her an experience she could never have imagined. Loving someone up is a gift. I’m sure you’ll carry it forward.
And I’m a former teacher, also. Now a therapist. I get to care in safety.
Thanks, Jane.
I like that you’re embracing imperfectly perfect connection. It’s great to just be yourself.
Jeneane, your story touched my heart so. How beautiful. I think so many of us haven't been properly loved up. There are places in my life that it's lacking. I'm so deeply grateful that it was never lacking with the elders. What a gift you gave your mom. And how wonderful that she received it. I'm glad you all had that experience. A reminder of hope in the world! And thank you for the kind words!
Such beautiful words, Jane. I’m so glad you wrote about your aunt and the village and what it means to elder (as a verb). So much love to you - and yes, we hold you here with compassion and grace. Thank you for the gift of Beyond and of YOU. ♥️
Thank you, Nicole! Yes, I created a verb today on Beyond!! But that's how I've experienced it. Thanks for the ongoing support!
I'm so sorry for your loss, Jane. What a privilege to have had her in your life.
Thank you, Sally! Yes, I was extremely blessed.
This is beautiful, Jane. For context, I’m in my late forties, and as I listened (to the very recording), I thought of transitions. I thought of the young people in my life, who I hope I’m loving up as much as they need and deserve.
And I’ve thought of those who have paved the way for me. There are certainly those who are doing so here on Substack who are doing so for me--women in whose writing I can feel the wisdom of having been long engaged in this planet. I feel that here in this post. Thank you. ❤️
And I’m sorry for your loss.
Holly, thank you so much for this! It means a lot. And, yes, here's to loving up our beloveds so that they feel in every cell! And I'm glad you've also had generous elders. They change everything!
I think you’ll find it fitting to know that the questionable grammar on my comment was due to my not first reading what I’d written--because my niece called needing last-minute help altering her prom dress. I pressed post and ran on over.👗❤️
Oh, that's absolutely perfect!! There you were eldering! (And I didn't even notice the questionable grammar.)
I figured you hadn’t. But it was too perfect a synchronicity not to share ;)
That was supposed to say very lovely recording, by the way.
I loved this post. The responsibility of being an elder resonates deeply with me. The last of our late-nineties generation passed last year so we are now the ones. How can we serve? How can we teach? I am a retired teacher of writing, in my late sixties now, and I ache at missing the whole thing but it was time to move on to my own books and finish and get them out into the world. So I also looked for how do I elder now that I’m not weekly in a classroom? I found that my weekly substack has become my way. I believe I am reaching more learners now than ever. It’s almost as alive as the classes and I am beyond grateful to have found it. Thank you for another meaningful read and think!
Oh, that's beautiful, Mary! It sounds like we're on parallel paths! Yes, Substack has offered the possibility of a lovely, tender, supportive community. I'm grateful!
My friend, Emmy Lu, turned 100 in August. I met her when I was in my 30s (I'm 62 now), and she has become a most beloved friend and elder. It's hard to think of my life without her in it. All of which is to say, I am sorry that you lost your Aunt Marge. We need those elders to walk us through the world with wisdom and kindness. Thank you for writing this.
How wonderful that you have Emmy Lu in your life. And 100!! What a beautiful, long friendship you've shared. Yes, we do need them so much! And we're lucky to have them! Thanks for your kind words!
Wonderful Wonderings - that is what this made me feel!
Being the baby in the family, with parents who also were the babies in the family, elders were abundant!
I felt so much love from them all. The stories I heard, especially when they did not realize I was not only hearing them but also listening. I was definitely loved up. All of it seemed to end when Daddy died when I was 12. Everyone was in a quagmire of grief after that.
Aunt Gracie was Daddy’s older sister and she ADORED her little brother. She was my Auntie Marge.
I would spend the night with her. I learned how to plant things from her. We pulled taffy (my older sisters shared in that!)
She took the place of the grandma I never knew.
I miss her still now that I am an elder.
I am so very sorry for your loss. It is S if a piece of you is gone. Eventually that piece will be replaced with a piece of her ✌🏻😘❤️
Oh, Pamela, this is beautiful. Thank you for sharing your memories, I feel as if I know your family now and they sound lovely! And thank you for your kind words. My auntie was very ready to go. So while I do miss her, I'm happy for her. She is with me.
Thank you - same with Aunt Gracie. She lost her sight and lost her independence. She was a woman who could do ANYTHING. She had fruit trees, flowers, berries and was a great role model as a strong woman 💖
That is why your story touched me so deeply ❤️
Our aunties sound quite similar! xx
Definitely!! We were both very lucky to have them ☀️💖
Jane, this is beautiful. Thanks for sharing your thoughts and stories with us. You will surely miss your beloved Aunt Marge, and I send my deepest condolences from my heart to yours. She sounds absolutely wonderful. As do the many other dear friends you've had in your life, and still have. I've such respect and love for the elders I'm fortunate to know in this lifetime. And there's never enough time. We always long for more. Thinking of you. XC
Thank you, dear Carmel. I know you share a love of and respect for elders. It's so hard to lose them as we inch our way to becoming them! xx
I adore your words !
Oh, thank you! That means so much!
This is truly beautiful!
Oh, thank you so much! That means a lot to me.
Love xo
Thank you, Yolanda!
I love LOVE this Jane! One more example of my admiring of the ways you think and of how you aim yourself. I’m sorry for the loss of your beloved Auntie, whose love and spirit lives on within you.
Now, I wrote too long in response to your beautiful tribute to your Auntie Marge and thoughts on the importance of the elders.
And yes, I’ve said more than necessary - but I will take your example and just share it anyway, no edits, no too much worry... just because you’ve caused me to think about some things.
I love life passages and exploring the various stretches in our lives.
I am enjoying so much about getting older.
I often have a sense of liberation.
The groundedness is reassuring. Even as joints get tender and sometimes creaky I feel on the cusp of best discovery and launching into new adventures that I’ll apply myself to.
So when the world feels insane, going inward gives me hope and belief. I get to be my own inspiration sometimes at this elder stage - especially by remembering times that I had reached deep and overcame situations.
Higher numbers in our age give us more of our own personal stories to draw from, and it keeps me going. We can actually be our own example.
Elder ourselves when times get harder.
At my age of 66 I naturally share my learnings more fearlessly as well as tell about what is still broken within me even after all these years.
There is wisdom and understanding to be gathered there too, the brokenness.
When a younger person asks me for advice now,
I feel so honored and privileged to respond.
Without hesitation I try to offer some of my best gems, tenderly, accompanied by lots of encouragement and some dashes of challenge (or sometimes words of caution).
One best part of being an elder now is how I fairly regularly say “Sweetie” and other words of affection, particularly with young ones or other strangers I meet. I feel less guarded to do so. More free to give affection.
I sometimes follow by saying, “I hope you don’t mind that I just said that, “Sweetie” but I just can’t help it because I am enjoying the spark in you.”
So far no one has rejected the word.
They always smile as if I’d just hugged them.
Which I had in a way without my arms.
One of my favorite elders in my life who still fuels me even though she left us long ago is my tiny in stature but bold in personality Aunt Helen.
She had a big sense of humor, a husky voice and a Phyllis Diller delivery. She always gave me the feeling of being in my corner, fiercely.
She was a riot at any gathering and at parties she would recite poetry and deliver a string of jokes like she had a stand-up act. I counted on this lightness she provided.
She once asked me in my teen years, “Do you think life is suppose to be about having fun? That we don’t have to sacrifice and suffer?”. I think she had spotted that I was not serious about my school studies at the time.
I thought for a minute and then replied, “Yes, life is supposed to be about having fun. I don’t believe my mom carried me and went through labor to deliver me to suffering. She hoped for more for me and so do I.”
Well, her question firmed my drive toward fulfilling the dreams and finding the fun things.
I understood that with her instructive question she hadn’t intended me to land where I did. But I am so glad her question prompted me to get to the essence of purpose.
I was already so sure life would cause plenty of suffering and challenge and that I’d get involved with lots of hard work and some necessary sacrifice. So then, it seemed to me that my most important job was to tend to the counterbalance: Fun, dreams, finding the rainbows.
Thanks for the great question Auntie Helen❤️
And thank you for your wonderful writing Jane!
You prompted me to think awhile and pleasantly remember.
I only hope I can live up to the special Aunties who have carried us and guided.
Oh my goodness, this is so beautiful! I agree with all of it, including suddenly saying sweetheart or darling, et cetera. We're elders now! Haha. I love your follow up when you do call someone sweetie. Such beautiful remembrances. Thank you for sharing!
I'm so sorry for your loss, Jane. It sounds like your Auntie Marge was such a gift. Your reflections on elders reminded me of the Adam Grant quote about being a good ancestor rather than a good descendent. I just turned 40 and have found myself really craving mentorship and elders, wishing I was known and loved up so specifically and guided so actively by a community of grown ups (even now that I am one myself). I wish there was a matchmaking app for this! It also has me really thinking about how to step into my own role for the children in my life. I hope I can embody this as beautifully as you've described.
I didn't know that quote but I like it! Yes, elders are so important. Of course, in a weird way, when we're young, at least, we take the best elders for granted but their love is so seamless and effortless, without any sort of strings, we don't know otherwise. It took me a while to realize how lucky I was! Dang, I wish I had a roomful of elders now, as well! My sense is you're a wonderful elder! And I think it can fill us up as much as being elder can do.
How wonderful you recorded this! Love having favorite Substackers like you record their newsletters.
Thank you, Amy! That means a lot. xx
I’m so happy to know there was an Aunt Marge that loved you up, and from the looks and sound of things, she was dearly loved. I hate to sound cheesy because I don’t always believe that Love is everything, but I do believe it’s a lot. My mother passed in January. Hard loss for me, since she definitely was one who loved me up. But her life was filled with abuse and her way of coping was to never need. In her later years, her need became evident and she trusted me enough to love and care for her. In her final days she said she’d never been loved in this way. That my partner Jim and I gave her an experience she could never have imagined. Loving someone up is a gift. I’m sure you’ll carry it forward.
And I’m a former teacher, also. Now a therapist. I get to care in safety.
Thanks, Jane.
I like that you’re embracing imperfectly perfect connection. It’s great to just be yourself.
Jeneane, your story touched my heart so. How beautiful. I think so many of us haven't been properly loved up. There are places in my life that it's lacking. I'm so deeply grateful that it was never lacking with the elders. What a gift you gave your mom. And how wonderful that she received it. I'm glad you all had that experience. A reminder of hope in the world! And thank you for the kind words!