Thank you so much for sharing so much of yourself! When I was studying non-violent communication, I learned -- or started to learn -- what feelings are. It was then that I realized how much fear I have. Fear of being seen. Fear of saying the wrong thing. Fear of anyone standing on my left side... etc.
I wanted to share a quote a a poem with you that your post brought to mind.
“If we could read the secret history of our enemies, we should find in each man's life sorrow and suffering enough to disarm all hostility.”
Thank you! I came to the realization that there was a master switch of sorts beneath all of the nuances which was 1-Love and 2 - Fear… Like on and off. I work to become aware of the sensations and work to navigate to either embrace the feeling and take action or to move away towards the other feeling with intention…
Thank you for reading my poem. And good luck with your prompt club! It sounds great!
Thank you for this. I had a stroke in 2017 and it did not leave me physically changed so everyone thinks I am the same person I was before however I feel very different. An excellent example is my inability to write more but you have given me a prompt.....eternally grateful for this.
Oh, my goodness, Jane. I’m SO sorry that happened to you. My dear sister had a laptop stored in an overhead airplane compartment fall on her head when opened upon landing. I am hyper vigilant to keep my head tucked in as I see those open. Sharing openly is a practice, and I adore envisioning your cousin and you spending cozy time together. If you had not spoken up, look at what both of you would be missing. A heartfelt read, and I thank you. Gentle care as you tend lovingly to yourself. 🙏🏽 💜
When I was growing up, we had the most wonderful dog named Nipper (because my parents were also Anglophiles). Nipper was the sweetest, most mellow dog ever, except on the rare occasion that she would see an older, white man with a beard and glasses, wearing one of those felted men's caps that snaps in the front, and carrying a cane. I know this is a very specific image. How often would she ever see this particular type of man? Not often, honestly, but when she did she would become a completely different dog, lunging and snapping and barking uncontrollably. My folks always figured, since she was a rescue dog, that she had been badly abused by such a man, though we never knew.
I grew up being physically and sexually abused by my older brother, and realized at a certain point in my early adulthood that I reacted like Nipper to any man who looked like him. Though my trauma response was always freeze, not fight. Still, it felt as automatic and personality-transforming in the moment. The complicating factor was that my brother was a Black man, so the freeze response I was having also lined up with all sorts of racist stereotypes about Black men as predators, making me feel confused (What part of my behavior was an understandable trauma response and what part was just ingrained racism?) and ashamed. I actually put myself in situations that were unsafe and, frankly, stupid, just to "prove" to myself that I wasn't racist. It hurts my heart to think about it, still, how unkind I was to myself, how lacking in patience, compassion, and complexity, and how closeted I was about all of it for fear of other people's judgments-- of me and also of him.
The hypervigilance you're describing makes perfect sense to me, and I'm glad you've started asking for help and being open about it. It makes me feel very soft in my heart, which I would imagine is also what your loved ones feel when you let them help you, and how wonderful is that? We could all use the opportunity to soften in these often painful times.
Oh, Asha, I'm so sorry you've lived through all that you have. I think when we're young we are all pretty much lacking in patience, compassion, and complexity, and fear other people's judgements. Some of us are lucky enough to get to a better place. I'm glad you're one of them.
I also feel like with each generation there's greater awareness of how unkind we can be to ourselves, less masking of our struggles. It gives me hope for those coming up behind us!
I always seem to tap into your writing just when I need it most! Since being diagnosed with a chronic disease in 2018, I have a lot of fear about being able to control my environment and as a result a lot of self-limiting talk has crept in. I’m a shell of the confident, joy-filled girl I once was as the shame and self-blame of my limitations takes its toll. Thank you for so bravely sharing your story. As always, your words are medicine to so many of us and serve as a reminder that we’re not alone. 🫶
Katie, your words mean so so so much to me! Thank you for letting me know. I relate to every word you wrote. Thank you for sharing that. We're not alone -- and it's good to offer each other that reminder! 🌸
There does seem to be a fair amount of interest in The Prompt Club. Yay! So look for upcoming notices about that!
Thank you for sharing some of your deepest fears. You are very brave to keep seeking more medical help. Your title Friendship with Myself reminds me of a phrase that I gave to myself after turning 40 and not finding a deep connection
that led to marriage. I thought “well, you’re going to marry yourself”. That led me to discover and accept all the wonderful things that being single can bring! By the way, welcome to Baltimore and don’t forget to eat a crab cake while you’re here!
I love the idea of the Prompt Club. Sign me up. And I'm so glad your cousin will be joining you in Baltimore. I was just about to offer my services (DC isn't that far away!) to keep you company. Sending you good mojo and restaurant advice: Wicked Sisters is wonderful and the neighborhood, filled with vintage shops, is fun to poke around in.
I'm so glad, as well. And that's so kind of you! We'll actually be in Frederick?? We fly into Baltimore and are hoping to spend some time there so really good to know about Wicked Sisters! And Lorna loves vintage! Thank you!
Frederick is one of our favorite Saturday destinations. Great antique vendor mall there to raid for treasures. And if you like Italian, this is our favorite restaurant there - it's off the beaten path and seems more local than touristy. https://pistarro.com
Prompt Club, yes please add me to the list. Fears around injury or health are all to do with mouth pain. In 2015 I had my jaw replaced in an 11 hour surgery. Six weeks of liquid diet, then only soft foods for months. I still have to use a jaw stretcher at least once a week. So now the mildest dental work requires good drugs. I can’t watch anything having to do with mouth , jaw etc.
Wow!! I'm glad you're healing from that. I completely understand not being able to watch anything to do with the mouth! And there will be upcoming posts about The Prompt Club! Glad you're in!
oh Jane, thank you for this heart balm of a post. the photo of you with your cousin shines bright Joy through my screen. it is a sad world when we are told to hold our stories inside and yet yours and others i read on Substack (and elsewhere) are how we connect, grow in compassion, and in hopefully grow on our own journey--both inward and as a human engaging with others.
may your treatment offer you all you hope for, and those you engage with in your time away treat you with kindness. thank you as always for the gift of your posts.
Oooooh, anne, thank you for all these kind words! They've touched my heart deeply! And, yes, Lorna and I really enjoy each other's company so I'm so grateful she's coming and I look forward to that part of the trip! Thank you for all your kindness and support. It means so much! ❤️
My stomach was in a knot and my heart racing as I read about the accident and your subsequent lack of treatment Jane. Thank you for sharing this. I know it likely comes with a tremendous amount of unshared heartache and bewilderment as you thought something was wrong with you that you couldn't explain.
In my work as a chiropractor, I spend a great deal of time trying to get my patients who have sustained a TBI to take it more seriously and not downplay their symptoms. We still have a ways to go in learning and then educating everyone about the serious impact of head injury which is one reason why this excellent essay is so important. Being brave and allowing yourself to be vulnerable in sharing your story helps others have the courage to speak out. I would be so interested to read a follow up essay about how your treatment turned out.
Lastly, I am interested in the Prompt Club so will keep my eye on your newsletter for more info.
Thank you for your kind words, Donna! They mean so much!! Yes, I've really learned the importance of alignment! It's the root of so much. I do plan on sharing how the treatment went -- although sometimes I don't experience change for weeks or months! And I'm so happy you're interested in The Prompt Club. There will be updates soon! ❤️
Yes prompt club! Jane I'm not good at keeping up with social media, either sharing or reading, but find I'm always drawn to checking in with you. Prayers with you on this journey!
Dear Jane, there is nobody and I do mean absolutely nobody except you, that could entice me into a Prompt Club. Your open-hearted, brilliantly observed and always incisive way of cutting through to the truth of the matter, and then how you interview and explore others' ways of viewing their worlds, always gives me a chance to lower my shoulders, give into the joy you create with your talent and then relax. Count me in, and I am trying to become a Founding Member once again yet can't exactly figure out to up my donation. Simply send me how I can give you the support you so richly deserve.
Thank you so much for sharing so much of yourself! When I was studying non-violent communication, I learned -- or started to learn -- what feelings are. It was then that I realized how much fear I have. Fear of being seen. Fear of saying the wrong thing. Fear of anyone standing on my left side... etc.
I wanted to share a quote a a poem with you that your post brought to mind.
“If we could read the secret history of our enemies, we should find in each man's life sorrow and suffering enough to disarm all hostility.”
― Henry Wadsworth Longfellow,
And here is the poem I wrote in honor of there yoga pose downward dog about becoming your own best friend: https://coriefeiner.substack.com/p/downward-dog?r=1vl0c8
Oh my gosh, when you start becoming aware of your fears you realize there are a lot of them!! Glad you are safely on that journey!
So true, Longfellow!
And I love your poem! I lick my face with love!
Thank you! I came to the realization that there was a master switch of sorts beneath all of the nuances which was 1-Love and 2 - Fear… Like on and off. I work to become aware of the sensations and work to navigate to either embrace the feeling and take action or to move away towards the other feeling with intention…
Thank you for reading my poem. And good luck with your prompt club! It sounds great!
Thank you for this. I had a stroke in 2017 and it did not leave me physically changed so everyone thinks I am the same person I was before however I feel very different. An excellent example is my inability to write more but you have given me a prompt.....eternally grateful for this.
Oh my goodness, I 100% have my version of this. It's so hard!! I hope to write about it one day. I'm glad this served as a prompt! Happy writing!
Oh, my goodness, Jane. I’m SO sorry that happened to you. My dear sister had a laptop stored in an overhead airplane compartment fall on her head when opened upon landing. I am hyper vigilant to keep my head tucked in as I see those open. Sharing openly is a practice, and I adore envisioning your cousin and you spending cozy time together. If you had not spoken up, look at what both of you would be missing. A heartfelt read, and I thank you. Gentle care as you tend lovingly to yourself. 🙏🏽 💜
Oh, Joanie, thank you for these beautiful words. They've gone right to my heart. I'm glad your sister is okay!! 🌸
When I was growing up, we had the most wonderful dog named Nipper (because my parents were also Anglophiles). Nipper was the sweetest, most mellow dog ever, except on the rare occasion that she would see an older, white man with a beard and glasses, wearing one of those felted men's caps that snaps in the front, and carrying a cane. I know this is a very specific image. How often would she ever see this particular type of man? Not often, honestly, but when she did she would become a completely different dog, lunging and snapping and barking uncontrollably. My folks always figured, since she was a rescue dog, that she had been badly abused by such a man, though we never knew.
I grew up being physically and sexually abused by my older brother, and realized at a certain point in my early adulthood that I reacted like Nipper to any man who looked like him. Though my trauma response was always freeze, not fight. Still, it felt as automatic and personality-transforming in the moment. The complicating factor was that my brother was a Black man, so the freeze response I was having also lined up with all sorts of racist stereotypes about Black men as predators, making me feel confused (What part of my behavior was an understandable trauma response and what part was just ingrained racism?) and ashamed. I actually put myself in situations that were unsafe and, frankly, stupid, just to "prove" to myself that I wasn't racist. It hurts my heart to think about it, still, how unkind I was to myself, how lacking in patience, compassion, and complexity, and how closeted I was about all of it for fear of other people's judgments-- of me and also of him.
The hypervigilance you're describing makes perfect sense to me, and I'm glad you've started asking for help and being open about it. It makes me feel very soft in my heart, which I would imagine is also what your loved ones feel when you let them help you, and how wonderful is that? We could all use the opportunity to soften in these often painful times.
Oh, Asha, I'm so sorry you've lived through all that you have. I think when we're young we are all pretty much lacking in patience, compassion, and complexity, and fear other people's judgements. Some of us are lucky enough to get to a better place. I'm glad you're one of them.
I also feel like with each generation there's greater awareness of how unkind we can be to ourselves, less masking of our struggles. It gives me hope for those coming up behind us!
Sign me up for the Prompt Club! It sounds great.
I always seem to tap into your writing just when I need it most! Since being diagnosed with a chronic disease in 2018, I have a lot of fear about being able to control my environment and as a result a lot of self-limiting talk has crept in. I’m a shell of the confident, joy-filled girl I once was as the shame and self-blame of my limitations takes its toll. Thank you for so bravely sharing your story. As always, your words are medicine to so many of us and serve as a reminder that we’re not alone. 🫶
Katie, your words mean so so so much to me! Thank you for letting me know. I relate to every word you wrote. Thank you for sharing that. We're not alone -- and it's good to offer each other that reminder! 🌸
There does seem to be a fair amount of interest in The Prompt Club. Yay! So look for upcoming notices about that!
Thank you, Jane! I will be on the lookout.
I always love reading your essays, Jane. Keep them coming!
Aw, thank you, Delia. That means so much!
Thank you for sharing some of your deepest fears. You are very brave to keep seeking more medical help. Your title Friendship with Myself reminds me of a phrase that I gave to myself after turning 40 and not finding a deep connection
that led to marriage. I thought “well, you’re going to marry yourself”. That led me to discover and accept all the wonderful things that being single can bring! By the way, welcome to Baltimore and don’t forget to eat a crab cake while you’re here!
That's beautiful, Peg! We need to all marry ourselves!!
Thank you for your kind words! Is Baltimore famous for crab cakes?? I'm vegetarian but my cousin is not.
I love the idea of the Prompt Club. Sign me up. And I'm so glad your cousin will be joining you in Baltimore. I was just about to offer my services (DC isn't that far away!) to keep you company. Sending you good mojo and restaurant advice: Wicked Sisters is wonderful and the neighborhood, filled with vintage shops, is fun to poke around in.
Yay! I think it will be fun!
I'm so glad, as well. And that's so kind of you! We'll actually be in Frederick?? We fly into Baltimore and are hoping to spend some time there so really good to know about Wicked Sisters! And Lorna loves vintage! Thank you!
Frederick is one of our favorite Saturday destinations. Great antique vendor mall there to raid for treasures. And if you like Italian, this is our favorite restaurant there - it's off the beaten path and seems more local than touristy. https://pistarro.com
Thank you so much, Cathy!!
Fabulous piece - thank you. Yes, I’d be interested in the prompt club.
Thank you, Thea! And yay on The Prompt Club!! More soon!
The Prompt Club sounds fun. Asking for help is soooooo hard. Good for you for doing it.
So hard! Thank you for understanding that! And let's get The Prompt Club happening!
I'm interested in the Prompt Club!
Yay! 🌸
Prompt Club, yes please add me to the list. Fears around injury or health are all to do with mouth pain. In 2015 I had my jaw replaced in an 11 hour surgery. Six weeks of liquid diet, then only soft foods for months. I still have to use a jaw stretcher at least once a week. So now the mildest dental work requires good drugs. I can’t watch anything having to do with mouth , jaw etc.
Wow!! I'm glad you're healing from that. I completely understand not being able to watch anything to do with the mouth! And there will be upcoming posts about The Prompt Club! Glad you're in!
oh Jane, thank you for this heart balm of a post. the photo of you with your cousin shines bright Joy through my screen. it is a sad world when we are told to hold our stories inside and yet yours and others i read on Substack (and elsewhere) are how we connect, grow in compassion, and in hopefully grow on our own journey--both inward and as a human engaging with others.
may your treatment offer you all you hope for, and those you engage with in your time away treat you with kindness. thank you as always for the gift of your posts.
Oooooh, anne, thank you for all these kind words! They've touched my heart deeply! And, yes, Lorna and I really enjoy each other's company so I'm so grateful she's coming and I look forward to that part of the trip! Thank you for all your kindness and support. It means so much! ❤️
My stomach was in a knot and my heart racing as I read about the accident and your subsequent lack of treatment Jane. Thank you for sharing this. I know it likely comes with a tremendous amount of unshared heartache and bewilderment as you thought something was wrong with you that you couldn't explain.
In my work as a chiropractor, I spend a great deal of time trying to get my patients who have sustained a TBI to take it more seriously and not downplay their symptoms. We still have a ways to go in learning and then educating everyone about the serious impact of head injury which is one reason why this excellent essay is so important. Being brave and allowing yourself to be vulnerable in sharing your story helps others have the courage to speak out. I would be so interested to read a follow up essay about how your treatment turned out.
Lastly, I am interested in the Prompt Club so will keep my eye on your newsletter for more info.
Thank you for your kind words, Donna! They mean so much!! Yes, I've really learned the importance of alignment! It's the root of so much. I do plan on sharing how the treatment went -- although sometimes I don't experience change for weeks or months! And I'm so happy you're interested in The Prompt Club. There will be updates soon! ❤️
Yes prompt club! Jane I'm not good at keeping up with social media, either sharing or reading, but find I'm always drawn to checking in with you. Prayers with you on this journey!
Thank you so much, Sharon. Your words have deeply touched my heart! ❤️
Dear Jane, there is nobody and I do mean absolutely nobody except you, that could entice me into a Prompt Club. Your open-hearted, brilliantly observed and always incisive way of cutting through to the truth of the matter, and then how you interview and explore others' ways of viewing their worlds, always gives me a chance to lower my shoulders, give into the joy you create with your talent and then relax. Count me in, and I am trying to become a Founding Member once again yet can't exactly figure out to up my donation. Simply send me how I can give you the support you so richly deserve.
Oh, Rochelle, this made me laugh out loud. And then touched my heart. Thank you, friend. I will email you! xx