A dozen years ago my marriage imploded and I felt like I had fallen off the face of the Earth. My wider community mobilized beautifully to help me with the immediate needs. Helping me move into a new place with my kids, for instance. But it took YEARS to get through the divorce, the trauma, to figure out how to be a single parent, while losing all my social filters (that ability to pretend like my life wasn't in the toilet). I found that most people just don't have the stamina to stick close through the entirety of other people's trauma and transformations.
Then there were the years of trying to figure out how to be in romantic relationships again, and realizing how much TIME that requires, time that I then didn't have to cultivate friendships. And then there was the pandemic, which constricted everyone's social lives, but definitely mine. I've lived in this town since 2001, but I have only 2 or 3 close local friends. Maybe four? And none of them are really the sort to call me out of the blue to do stuff. We're all juggling so much obligation, so we schedule time weeks out. A dinner here, a walk there. There is no spontaneity and a LOT of alone time for me.
I tell myself I'm a writer and so I need it, which is true. That I'm an introvert, so I need it. Also true. But it is often lonely.
Oh my gosh, yes to all of this!! Exactly this!! What happened in all our lives?! I don't think it's just a matter of getting older and all the changes that go with that. I think something else is a foot.
I'm so sorry you went through such a difficult time, Asha. I'm glad you're on the other side of that now. ❤️
I hate to shorthand it in this way, but honestly, I think it's largely capitalism. Not just to the extent that most of us aren't doing better than our parents did, which until Gen X was the expectation. We're running as fast as we can just to stay in place, if we're lucky. But then there are the realities for women, especially if they sleep with men. When you divorce you get screwed, generally, especially if you have children. And women are much more reluctant to get remarried, but no family can really survive comfortably on a standard single income in the U.S. anymore, so single mothers are too busy surviving to build community. The single women I know without children often get dragged into elder care, especially if they have siblings who have spouses and children so the "spinster" sister seems the best suited.
The sad reality is that, kids or no, we're all better off living more collectively and collaboratively, sharing resources, but we're not trained to that in the middle-class. We're trained to live alone or in nuclear families, period. The best two of the last twelve years since my marriage ended were years I shared my household with one of that small group of close friends when her marriage ended. We helped each other out, supported each other. Her kids are grown, but she loves mine and helped with them when she could. But we could also retreat to our own space when we wanted to be alone. When she moved out I was so sad.
In my perfect world I would live in a house with 2-3 close girlfriends and have a lover next door. That would meet all my needs.
Oh my gosh, I had a huge burst of this feeling last night after looking at Facebook (which I don't really use anymore.) When I feel lonely, I tend to spiral in self accusations "You don't reach out. You don't try hard enough. You collapse on the couch instead of going out. You are wasting your life! You are a failure!!" (Yeah, my spirals are some good times.) And Jane, as you know, I'm only 20 minutes away from you!! But after a day of agitating work, making an effort to get out and see anyone seems like an ocean to cross. I crave kitchen table evenings playing cards or canning salsa. I really do think it's about driving for me. If I could walk across my lawn and spend time with someone I'd do it all the time! I don't know. Just random thoughts to say that this weird culture we all exist in seems to prioritize things that aren't good for us and minimize the things that could heal us all.
Yes! That's it exactly!! I miss having friends down the block!! I love that you have your walking buddies! I know if we lived closer we'd see each other all the time. A twenty or thirty minute drive doesn't sound like much, but it is!! I feel like I didn't convey that piece clearly enough. It's the walking-distance buddies that I miss!! I love you!! ❤️
At 52, I am in that kinda of place too, but I am actually loving it.
Even though I am an introvert, I have always had a robust social life and friends network.
But due to us moving to a new location just after COVID, had left me with no friends within my immediate environment.
But in this case, I am the one actively affording connecting at that level with people. Many people in my community would love to be my hang-out person, but I just doesn't seem to have that energy right now. Maybe it just a phase. Maybe it's because I am in a place where I am still busy figuring out my second Act, who knows?🤷🏼♀️
And also the fact that I am best buddies with my kids and hubby does fill that need?
I really pray that your real people find you, or vice versa. 💖💖💖
Thank you, May! I can completely understand the way you feel. I think sometimes the introvert in us is stronger, and sometimes the need for connection is stronger. It ebbs and flows, for sure. And, yes, living with people might well fill the need. Some of it is simply for companionship, right? But some of it is for the sort of adventures you can only get into with friends! But, I agree, we do go through phases. I'm in a I need hang-out friends phase! But that could shift. Thank you for sharing your story!!
I was having a very similar experience in the place we moved to 4 years ago during Covid. I already had acquaintances here, so I set about getting to know them better and trying to turn them into what I consider "real" friends. A few months ago, I felt like it was time to give up - I'd exhausted every option and I decided, like you, that maybe I just wasn't going to find close friends here - it had been four years! And then, a month ago, I was invited to lunch with a group of women, who were mostly acquaintances, and lo and behold, suddenly we were having a very intense, honest, and vulnerable conversation. And I kept thinking, Oh My God, THESE are my people! Finally I've found them! I'm still pinching myself that this happened and I hope you find your hangout friends very soon, too.❤️
Oooooh, Amelia! How wonderful! I'm so happy for you!! Yay! Thank you for sharing that! There are so many many lovely people here. But for a variety of reasons that sort of deep-conversation hanging out in any consistent manner isn't (yet!) happening. Fingers crossed! And I hope you enjoy your new gang!
Me Too! Me Too! I moved ten years ago to our island home. Love it, yet people come and go. When their towels are dry enough to pack they’re gone. I met a precious gal pal last October and she literally was at the beginning of falling in love with her partner who lives in California. She moved last August. 😔I remain open, yet crickets! What remarkably fills me is my weekly volunteering in the library where my grands attend. Most of all your sharing companions me in knowing this is not unique to me. May we be okay in the search and send our GPS pings out for those who will hear our hearts. 💞 Such a valuable read and my deepest gratitude! 👏🏼
I know a lot of people and have a lot of outer circle friends, but very few close friends and none, other than my wife, with whom I could have a real heart-to-heart conversation.
I sense such a yearning for that kind of connection. Somehow, we've forgotten how to do it and/or have been trained out of it by the nuclear family and consumer culture and the loss of "third spaces".
I'm a raging introvert, so it mostly doesn't bother me. But once a week or so, I really feel the need to get out and see people and/or listen to music. It's more or less working.
Thank you for sharing your experience. I find a lot of similarity to my current life. I live away from family and friends, I rely on technology to stay connected. Between work and being a mum there has been time to nurture close local friends, so I spend most of my time alone, walking or attending events that bring me joy. Your vulnerability has allowed me to introspection and maybe connect a bit deeper to allow one or two local to be part of my inner circle , be intentional about making time.
Thank you for sharing that, Sibo! It is so hard to balance everything. And I'm certainly part of the equation! My busy schedule, for one thing. And we don't always need to have local friends. But I'm in a phase where I definitely do!! I hope you find your inner circle!
Well, Jane, it turns out I have a (probably not very unique) version of this problem, and I have a long note in my phone because I've been meaning to write about it too.
Here is my issue: I am blessed with a busy social life, and we get to see a lot of friends. That said, the social events are mainly these big group, family gatherings where it's rare that you get into a deep conversation with any one person, and if you do, the kids interrupt you partway through and then you can't finish the conversation until the next time you see each other and by then the magic is gone.
I felt your paragraph about the impromptu hang outs, and the errand visits, in my BONES... this is what my sisters and I used to do when they were still in town, but none of them live near me now and I miss it so so so deeply.
The last time I wrote about this (last December, I believe) a neighbour popped into my comments and told me she was happy to hang while doing dishes and have impromptu walks, and we did this twice, but I'm the one who couldn't keep up. My schedule is so demanding that I have too many kid-related demands that get in the way...
Noha! You should definitely write about that! I'm learning so many of us are struggling with versions of this. I'm not sure what the answer or answers may be. But hearing other people's stories once again helps!! And, yes, I am also at times the one who can't keep up. So many nuances to all of this -- impossible to fit it all in a reasonable length post! Haha!
And, YES, it's those impromptu hangs and errands visits. They are like nothing else!! Once a routine part of my life, they no longer exist and I miss them so much!!!
I'm not sure if you're referring to the presence of a man specially or having a partner in general. So many of my friends are men! And, yes, I do think living with someone--romantically or even a roommate--would make a difference. But even when I was married to the love of my life and one of my best friends, I spent a lot of time with my friends. I've always had my local gang!
My wife’s best friend of 40 years passed away last year from a myriad of diseases. She just told me what a hole that left in her life. She still has many good friends to gab on the phone with, enjoy luncheon outings & other entertainment, but she said life is not the same without her best friend. From now on, when she’s engaged in ridiculously long phone calls with one of her pals, I’m going to keep my mouth shut. It must be a type of good therapy for women that men don’t need as much.
I am and I need my gal pals. 👯 There are aspects of my inner most being that are reserved just for them. They “get me” in ways that are a far stretch for him.
I get it. I've been married for over 55 years, but we spend time with our own friend groups often as well. It probably also helps that we have 3 married children & 10 grandchildren who all live near us. But you do need gal pals & I hope you find them. Good luck.
Thank you so much for writing this! I've lived in the same community in the Hudson Valley for nearly 17 years. For many of them, I had a close knit little group and we'd meet up once a week usually. But now our kids have grown up for the most part and we're drifting away from one another. I'm trying to stay open hearted about it but it is does make me sad. (curious what you're doing in ypsi? I went to emu for undergrad!)
Oh, that's hard, Bethany! Especially when you once had such rich community there. Once a once-a-week gathering would be so nourishing! I hope you find your people again soon! I moved back to Michigan when my parents hit their eighties. I found Ypsi super charming, which it is!!
Good morning, Jane! I live with my partner and two wonderful fur hounds. I too spend most my time alone. I’m also rather introverted and so relate to your predicament! Truly. I see others around bravely leaving their cottages with a kind of seeking connection and community. Maybe we can be garden and animal friends? Thank you for your brave and vulnerable heart. TGIT—-Thank God It’s THURSDAY! Woof! ♥️📒📓🐾🦋☕️🙏🏽
Aw, that's lovely! I can understand that feeling like a rich and full life!! I live alone--if I had a partner or roommate, I might experience all of this differently. I'm not sure, as even when I was married to someone I adored I was always hanging out with friends. Yes to gardens and animals! 🌸
Exactly! I don’t have expectations of my partner being my whole world and neither does she. Friends have always been gifts in my life. I enjoy the company and quiet being together too. I also enjoy cooking for others or swapping books or making art. Gardening and animals always. Substack has been wonderful too and I miss analog friendships. Both are true. Anyway, I’m rambling…. I appreciate your presence here. Enjoy your morning!
I'm just beginning to find some friends after 5 years of living here. COVID and an intense MA program at the start of my sojourn didn't help get things started. I'm finding my people at the dog park of all places. The morning group has turned into dog walking adventures in the evenings and group dinners and concerned check-ins.
For most of my life my friendships have grown from my faith community or my work (often from the overlap). Because of my father's fragile health, we now "attend" church online. Because my whole work team is remote from each other, we might hang out once a year.
I've always had a surfeit of friends---and I am thankful. I don't like the slowness of friendship in my late middle age, but I am thankful for what I have. And as much as i don't like having to know, I'm grateful to understand the loneliness of others.
Thanks for your kind words, sherylo! I also made many friends from a dog walking group. And then, one by one, they moved away! Gah! And the remaining group fell apart. And I also have a rich group of friends from my faith community, they are the ones who are mostly about half an hour away, some a bit further. Not super far. But with my driving challenges (much better these days but not entirely gone!), they might as well have been on the other side of the planet! I long for the down-the-street friends!!
I'm sorry about your dad's health. I'm glad we have these remote communities we can lean on when needed!! 🌸
A down-the-street friend! What a luxury! I prayed for that next-door-neighbor friend when the house next door went up for sale. The new people are very nice, but I don't see the deep friendship possibilities. Oh well. They're out there---now to find them!
Hi May- loved your share… I lived in Ypsi for 5 wonderful years… am still local ( Saline) and would love to share coffee w u in your garden…. Happy to meet in a public place first if that feels better to you! Rebecca
Hi Jane. Nice post and beautiful little garden there! I can just picture a nice cup of Earl Grey and a book, although it’s a bit chilly this morning. I know because we live not too far away in Bloomfield Hills. Of course there are many advantages NOT having friends. No interruptions from your writing and reading! And how many people are really out there in the world who are interesting enough to deserve your valuable time? Or who share your interests, whatever they may be? I am finding Substack to be a very nice place to meet folks, just as we are doing now in your lovely little garden! Thanks for inviting me, I’ve enjoyed our chat~!
I moved to Michigan five years ago. I've made one close friend. She lives across the street from me. It's only been six months that we've been close.
I never knew or understood the word 'lonely' until moving here. I'm 66 now and it's really tough for me here. My husband is gone most of the time. I'm doing the best I can. Loneliness is definitely a US issue, and for me it's a Midwest issue. I hope I don't die alone.
A dozen years ago my marriage imploded and I felt like I had fallen off the face of the Earth. My wider community mobilized beautifully to help me with the immediate needs. Helping me move into a new place with my kids, for instance. But it took YEARS to get through the divorce, the trauma, to figure out how to be a single parent, while losing all my social filters (that ability to pretend like my life wasn't in the toilet). I found that most people just don't have the stamina to stick close through the entirety of other people's trauma and transformations.
Then there were the years of trying to figure out how to be in romantic relationships again, and realizing how much TIME that requires, time that I then didn't have to cultivate friendships. And then there was the pandemic, which constricted everyone's social lives, but definitely mine. I've lived in this town since 2001, but I have only 2 or 3 close local friends. Maybe four? And none of them are really the sort to call me out of the blue to do stuff. We're all juggling so much obligation, so we schedule time weeks out. A dinner here, a walk there. There is no spontaneity and a LOT of alone time for me.
I tell myself I'm a writer and so I need it, which is true. That I'm an introvert, so I need it. Also true. But it is often lonely.
Oh my gosh, yes to all of this!! Exactly this!! What happened in all our lives?! I don't think it's just a matter of getting older and all the changes that go with that. I think something else is a foot.
I'm so sorry you went through such a difficult time, Asha. I'm glad you're on the other side of that now. ❤️
I hate to shorthand it in this way, but honestly, I think it's largely capitalism. Not just to the extent that most of us aren't doing better than our parents did, which until Gen X was the expectation. We're running as fast as we can just to stay in place, if we're lucky. But then there are the realities for women, especially if they sleep with men. When you divorce you get screwed, generally, especially if you have children. And women are much more reluctant to get remarried, but no family can really survive comfortably on a standard single income in the U.S. anymore, so single mothers are too busy surviving to build community. The single women I know without children often get dragged into elder care, especially if they have siblings who have spouses and children so the "spinster" sister seems the best suited.
The sad reality is that, kids or no, we're all better off living more collectively and collaboratively, sharing resources, but we're not trained to that in the middle-class. We're trained to live alone or in nuclear families, period. The best two of the last twelve years since my marriage ended were years I shared my household with one of that small group of close friends when her marriage ended. We helped each other out, supported each other. Her kids are grown, but she loves mine and helped with them when she could. But we could also retreat to our own space when we wanted to be alone. When she moved out I was so sad.
In my perfect world I would live in a house with 2-3 close girlfriends and have a lover next door. That would meet all my needs.
1000% to all of this
Oh my gosh, I had a huge burst of this feeling last night after looking at Facebook (which I don't really use anymore.) When I feel lonely, I tend to spiral in self accusations "You don't reach out. You don't try hard enough. You collapse on the couch instead of going out. You are wasting your life! You are a failure!!" (Yeah, my spirals are some good times.) And Jane, as you know, I'm only 20 minutes away from you!! But after a day of agitating work, making an effort to get out and see anyone seems like an ocean to cross. I crave kitchen table evenings playing cards or canning salsa. I really do think it's about driving for me. If I could walk across my lawn and spend time with someone I'd do it all the time! I don't know. Just random thoughts to say that this weird culture we all exist in seems to prioritize things that aren't good for us and minimize the things that could heal us all.
Yes! That's it exactly!! I miss having friends down the block!! I love that you have your walking buddies! I know if we lived closer we'd see each other all the time. A twenty or thirty minute drive doesn't sound like much, but it is!! I feel like I didn't convey that piece clearly enough. It's the walking-distance buddies that I miss!! I love you!! ❤️
God, I know what you mean. Driving is feeling toxic to me.
Thanks for this very open piece.
At 52, I am in that kinda of place too, but I am actually loving it.
Even though I am an introvert, I have always had a robust social life and friends network.
But due to us moving to a new location just after COVID, had left me with no friends within my immediate environment.
But in this case, I am the one actively affording connecting at that level with people. Many people in my community would love to be my hang-out person, but I just doesn't seem to have that energy right now. Maybe it just a phase. Maybe it's because I am in a place where I am still busy figuring out my second Act, who knows?🤷🏼♀️
And also the fact that I am best buddies with my kids and hubby does fill that need?
I really pray that your real people find you, or vice versa. 💖💖💖
Thank you, May! I can completely understand the way you feel. I think sometimes the introvert in us is stronger, and sometimes the need for connection is stronger. It ebbs and flows, for sure. And, yes, living with people might well fill the need. Some of it is simply for companionship, right? But some of it is for the sort of adventures you can only get into with friends! But, I agree, we do go through phases. I'm in a I need hang-out friends phase! But that could shift. Thank you for sharing your story!!
I was having a very similar experience in the place we moved to 4 years ago during Covid. I already had acquaintances here, so I set about getting to know them better and trying to turn them into what I consider "real" friends. A few months ago, I felt like it was time to give up - I'd exhausted every option and I decided, like you, that maybe I just wasn't going to find close friends here - it had been four years! And then, a month ago, I was invited to lunch with a group of women, who were mostly acquaintances, and lo and behold, suddenly we were having a very intense, honest, and vulnerable conversation. And I kept thinking, Oh My God, THESE are my people! Finally I've found them! I'm still pinching myself that this happened and I hope you find your hangout friends very soon, too.❤️
Oooooh, Amelia! How wonderful! I'm so happy for you!! Yay! Thank you for sharing that! There are so many many lovely people here. But for a variety of reasons that sort of deep-conversation hanging out in any consistent manner isn't (yet!) happening. Fingers crossed! And I hope you enjoy your new gang!
It takes such a long time to move friendships from acquaintance to close. I really hope your close hangout friends are about to appear!
Thank you!! Me, too!! ❤️
Me Too! Me Too! I moved ten years ago to our island home. Love it, yet people come and go. When their towels are dry enough to pack they’re gone. I met a precious gal pal last October and she literally was at the beginning of falling in love with her partner who lives in California. She moved last August. 😔I remain open, yet crickets! What remarkably fills me is my weekly volunteering in the library where my grands attend. Most of all your sharing companions me in knowing this is not unique to me. May we be okay in the search and send our GPS pings out for those who will hear our hearts. 💞 Such a valuable read and my deepest gratitude! 👏🏼
Oh, Joanie, your words are so beautiful and have touched my heart. Yes to all you wrote! 🌸
I can definitely relate, Jane.
I know a lot of people and have a lot of outer circle friends, but very few close friends and none, other than my wife, with whom I could have a real heart-to-heart conversation.
I sense such a yearning for that kind of connection. Somehow, we've forgotten how to do it and/or have been trained out of it by the nuclear family and consumer culture and the loss of "third spaces".
I'm a raging introvert, so it mostly doesn't bother me. But once a week or so, I really feel the need to get out and see people and/or listen to music. It's more or less working.
John, I once again feel like we are kindred spirits! Yes to all of this! And: raging introvert!!! YES! I love that. So true! 🌸
Thank you for sharing your experience. I find a lot of similarity to my current life. I live away from family and friends, I rely on technology to stay connected. Between work and being a mum there has been time to nurture close local friends, so I spend most of my time alone, walking or attending events that bring me joy. Your vulnerability has allowed me to introspection and maybe connect a bit deeper to allow one or two local to be part of my inner circle , be intentional about making time.
Thank you for sharing that, Sibo! It is so hard to balance everything. And I'm certainly part of the equation! My busy schedule, for one thing. And we don't always need to have local friends. But I'm in a phase where I definitely do!! I hope you find your inner circle!
Oh man, this hits me in the core. Glad to know I am not alone in this.
Thank you, Stephanie! You're not alone!! ❤️
Well, Jane, it turns out I have a (probably not very unique) version of this problem, and I have a long note in my phone because I've been meaning to write about it too.
Here is my issue: I am blessed with a busy social life, and we get to see a lot of friends. That said, the social events are mainly these big group, family gatherings where it's rare that you get into a deep conversation with any one person, and if you do, the kids interrupt you partway through and then you can't finish the conversation until the next time you see each other and by then the magic is gone.
I felt your paragraph about the impromptu hang outs, and the errand visits, in my BONES... this is what my sisters and I used to do when they were still in town, but none of them live near me now and I miss it so so so deeply.
The last time I wrote about this (last December, I believe) a neighbour popped into my comments and told me she was happy to hang while doing dishes and have impromptu walks, and we did this twice, but I'm the one who couldn't keep up. My schedule is so demanding that I have too many kid-related demands that get in the way...
Noha! You should definitely write about that! I'm learning so many of us are struggling with versions of this. I'm not sure what the answer or answers may be. But hearing other people's stories once again helps!! And, yes, I am also at times the one who can't keep up. So many nuances to all of this -- impossible to fit it all in a reasonable length post! Haha!
And, YES, it's those impromptu hangs and errands visits. They are like nothing else!! Once a routine part of my life, they no longer exist and I miss them so much!!!
Are any of you married to a man? Just wondering if a traditional family relationship could fill that void.
I'm not sure if you're referring to the presence of a man specially or having a partner in general. So many of my friends are men! And, yes, I do think living with someone--romantically or even a roommate--would make a difference. But even when I was married to the love of my life and one of my best friends, I spent a lot of time with my friends. I've always had my local gang!
I was thinking about the decline of the nuclear family & how that might contribute to loneliness.
My wife’s best friend of 40 years passed away last year from a myriad of diseases. She just told me what a hole that left in her life. She still has many good friends to gab on the phone with, enjoy luncheon outings & other entertainment, but she said life is not the same without her best friend. From now on, when she’s engaged in ridiculously long phone calls with one of her pals, I’m going to keep my mouth shut. It must be a type of good therapy for women that men don’t need as much.
I'm so sorry about your wife's friend. Yes, it leaves such a hole! ❤️
I am and I need my gal pals. 👯 There are aspects of my inner most being that are reserved just for them. They “get me” in ways that are a far stretch for him.
I love that -- There are aspects of my inner most being that are reserved just for them. Yes!
I am and we spend as much time together as possible. Female friends are a different feeling though for me.
So true!
I get it. I've been married for over 55 years, but we spend time with our own friend groups often as well. It probably also helps that we have 3 married children & 10 grandchildren who all live near us. But you do need gal pals & I hope you find them. Good luck.
Oh, that's so wonderful!! I'm glad you have that. It's so nourishing!
Thank you so much for writing this! I've lived in the same community in the Hudson Valley for nearly 17 years. For many of them, I had a close knit little group and we'd meet up once a week usually. But now our kids have grown up for the most part and we're drifting away from one another. I'm trying to stay open hearted about it but it is does make me sad. (curious what you're doing in ypsi? I went to emu for undergrad!)
Oh, that's hard, Bethany! Especially when you once had such rich community there. Once a once-a-week gathering would be so nourishing! I hope you find your people again soon! I moved back to Michigan when my parents hit their eighties. I found Ypsi super charming, which it is!!
Good morning, Jane! I live with my partner and two wonderful fur hounds. I too spend most my time alone. I’m also rather introverted and so relate to your predicament! Truly. I see others around bravely leaving their cottages with a kind of seeking connection and community. Maybe we can be garden and animal friends? Thank you for your brave and vulnerable heart. TGIT—-Thank God It’s THURSDAY! Woof! ♥️📒📓🐾🦋☕️🙏🏽
Aw, that's lovely! I can understand that feeling like a rich and full life!! I live alone--if I had a partner or roommate, I might experience all of this differently. I'm not sure, as even when I was married to someone I adored I was always hanging out with friends. Yes to gardens and animals! 🌸
Exactly! I don’t have expectations of my partner being my whole world and neither does she. Friends have always been gifts in my life. I enjoy the company and quiet being together too. I also enjoy cooking for others or swapping books or making art. Gardening and animals always. Substack has been wonderful too and I miss analog friendships. Both are true. Anyway, I’m rambling…. I appreciate your presence here. Enjoy your morning!
❤️
♥️
Thank you for this piece.
I'm just beginning to find some friends after 5 years of living here. COVID and an intense MA program at the start of my sojourn didn't help get things started. I'm finding my people at the dog park of all places. The morning group has turned into dog walking adventures in the evenings and group dinners and concerned check-ins.
For most of my life my friendships have grown from my faith community or my work (often from the overlap). Because of my father's fragile health, we now "attend" church online. Because my whole work team is remote from each other, we might hang out once a year.
I've always had a surfeit of friends---and I am thankful. I don't like the slowness of friendship in my late middle age, but I am thankful for what I have. And as much as i don't like having to know, I'm grateful to understand the loneliness of others.
Thanks for your kind words, sherylo! I also made many friends from a dog walking group. And then, one by one, they moved away! Gah! And the remaining group fell apart. And I also have a rich group of friends from my faith community, they are the ones who are mostly about half an hour away, some a bit further. Not super far. But with my driving challenges (much better these days but not entirely gone!), they might as well have been on the other side of the planet! I long for the down-the-street friends!!
I'm sorry about your dad's health. I'm glad we have these remote communities we can lean on when needed!! 🌸
A down-the-street friend! What a luxury! I prayed for that next-door-neighbor friend when the house next door went up for sale. The new people are very nice, but I don't see the deep friendship possibilities. Oh well. They're out there---now to find them!
I guess it is a luxury?? For much of my life, it was the norm! Yes, let's find them!
Hi May- loved your share… I lived in Ypsi for 5 wonderful years… am still local ( Saline) and would love to share coffee w u in your garden…. Happy to meet in a public place first if that feels better to you! Rebecca
HI Rebecca! I'm not sure if you meant this for me or May! Yes, Ypsi is so lovely! And thanks for your kind words!
Hi Jane. Nice post and beautiful little garden there! I can just picture a nice cup of Earl Grey and a book, although it’s a bit chilly this morning. I know because we live not too far away in Bloomfield Hills. Of course there are many advantages NOT having friends. No interruptions from your writing and reading! And how many people are really out there in the world who are interesting enough to deserve your valuable time? Or who share your interests, whatever they may be? I am finding Substack to be a very nice place to meet folks, just as we are doing now in your lovely little garden! Thanks for inviting me, I’ve enjoyed our chat~!
I agree with much of this! And I relish my alone time!! But I would still like have some local pals to get into a bit of trouble with!
True dat! Heading to Eastern Market on Saturday with Brilliant Wife and possibly others if you want to do lunch. https://open.substack.com/pub/davidwzoll/p/detroits-eastern-market?r=3a09av&utm_medium=ios
I moved to Michigan five years ago. I've made one close friend. She lives across the street from me. It's only been six months that we've been close.
I never knew or understood the word 'lonely' until moving here. I'm 66 now and it's really tough for me here. My husband is gone most of the time. I'm doing the best I can. Loneliness is definitely a US issue, and for me it's a Midwest issue. I hope I don't die alone.
One friend across the street is a good start!! I hope you find more. And that your husband is home more often!