How Would I Want To Be Treated
The Body, Brain, and Books: Eleven Questions with physician and writer Istiaq Mian
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What are you reading now?
As of now, Shoe Dog by Phil Knight. I’ve been reading memoir intently as I work on my own. I try to avoid memoirs by famous people because they usually have had a leg up in getting published and there are so many good authors out there, but I’ve seen Shoe Dog be recommended enough that I wanted to read it. With that said, the previous book I read was written by a lesser-known painter from New York City, Hyeseung Song, who wrote Docile.
What are your most beloved books from your youth? Did you ever hide any from your parents?
I never hid books from my parents because I don’t recall reading that much in my youth. My first language was Bangla and English intimidated me. I remember getting a D on a third grade reading class assignment and it reinforced the intimidation. With time I got over that, though at the expense of losing fluency in my native language (my parents speak Bangla to me and I reply in English).
Growing up in small-town Wisconsin, I was a sports fanatic and usually checked out books from the library about Muhammad Ali and Michael Jordan. As a shy Muslim kid, reading about Muhammad Ali and his outspokenness was inspiring to me. And growing up in the 90’s, Michael Jordan’s Chicago Bulls were so exciting to watch. I realize now that previous generations feel that way about Larry Bird and Magic Johnson and the current generation feels that way about LeBron James, but to me there is no comparison for Michael Jordan, who, by acclamation, is the greatest of all time.
What’s your favorite book to reread? Any that helped you through a dark time?
Books help me understand what I’m going through in tough times. I frequently turn to How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk because although I trained for 11 years to become a physician, I trained for zero on how to be a parent. It’s incredible how different children are from adults and it takes practice and extreme patience to effectively parent.
My mental health has been a recent focus for me. It crept up on me unexpectedly in my late thirties. I’m currently re-reading Set Boundaries, Find Peace by Nedra Glover Tawwab. It’s been helpful. Revisiting books is underrated and it’s necessary because I believe the Ebbinghaus Forgetting Curve: if we don’t revisit information, we don’t retain it.
What’s an article of clothing that makes you feel most like you?
I’m a minimalist when it comes to clothing because I want to be a responsible consumer. An item that makes me feel that way is a Uniqlo hoodie that I purchased in 2016 for $40. I wear it for probably sixty days every year. It’s my favorite item of clothing. It’s bright blue and has a red Uniqlo decal. I’m not usually into logos but for some reason I think that one looks really sharp. I have yet to find another hoodie like that since I don’t think Uniqlo makes clothing anymore with their logo, at least in the US.
What’s the best piece of wisdom you've encountered recently?
Always bet on yourself.
This stems from a story I read about how a band that started out playing in local venues became one of the world’s most successful bands. They were still playing the same music, whether it was to 80 people or 80,000 people but they decided to keep working on their craft and people noticed them. It’s a reminder that everyone starts somewhere. And there are moments you want to quit but if you bet on yourself, you’d be surprised at what you can accomplish. I try to think of that in my writing journey. (That local band: Coldplay)
Tell me about any special relationship you’ve had with an animal, domestic or wild?
My wife and I have kept chickens since we moved into our home in Madison. One of my few memories of Bangladesh (I left when I was only three years-old) is walking around a backyard with chickens. I love chickens because I feel comforted by their presence and because they don’t ask much of me. I like looking at their feathers and their legs – makes me think of how I’m looking at the descendants of dinosaurs!
We’ve had a few run-ins with raccoons, and it’s been surprising how much it hurts viscerally when another animal kills our chickens. I’m reminded that it’s the circle of life and we humans do terrible things to animals every day. (You can read about one of those encounters here.)
What's one thing you are happy worked out differently than you expected?
My marriage. I wrote about it in Modern Love in The New York Times. At the time, as I was getting to know my wife and we eventually married, I carried a lot of shame in marrying someone who wasn’t Muslim and was culturally different from me because of expectations. But I paid attention to how I felt when I was with her and I knew it was right. And to our surprise, our families came around and I’m grateful for that.
Singing in the shower or dancing in the kitchen? Or another favorite way your body expresses itself?
Dancing in the kitchen. After I finish working seven consecutive days in the hospital, on my first day off, I’ll drop the kids to school and when I come home, I’ll blast music on my speakers while I make breakfast and let my body move.
Otherwise, my other favorite way to express myself is in tennis, which I prefer over pickleball, now, and likely forever.
What are your hopes for yourself?
I hope for health, for myself and for those around me. As I see people in the hospital, I’m aware of how thin the line is between being sick in the hospital and being healthy outside of it. The other week, I met a man who was diagnosed with pneumonia but all his blood counts were down. He got a bone marrow biopsy in the hospital and was diagnosed with leukemia, flipping his whole world upside-down. But if you had asked him a few weeks ago how he was doing, he would’ve said he was just fine. These kinds of stories exist everywhere in the hospital.
As I get older, I also hope for mental clarity and growth.
What’s a kindness that changed your life?
The hospitality that I have encountered while traveling. A few places stand out, including my birthplace of Bangladesh, but I would highlight Morocco. To celebrate the end of residency, my wife and I went on a road trip through Morocco. Several times, people met us on the street and invited us into their home for mint tea. The people I met were kind, curious, and their warmth was like my mother’s. Most didn’t expect anything in return, although one man did successfully sell me a beautiful red rug. I try to offer an ounce of that hospitality when people visit me in my home.
What’s a guiding force in your life?
Empathy. Before medical school, I worked with homeless people who eventually died from HIV in Washington D.C. Empathy was instilled in me from the people I met and from the staff I worked with, including four very strong women.
I came away from that experience knowing I’m lucky to be born into my circumstances. I don’t have any major chronic disease. I don’t truly know how shitty or lonely it feels to be chronically ill and to have to interact with the healthcare system on a regular basis, but I hear about it from the people I meet. And I need to remind myself to listen carefully and ask myself, how would I want to be treated in this moment? Because, eventually, we all are patients. Evidence shows that medical training sucks the empathy out of trainees, and it did for me, but I feel like the further I’ve moved away from the rigors of training, I’ve been able to re-accumulate it slowly. And, outside of medicine, empathy makes for better relationships. It leads me to say “I’m sorry” more often and that is a good thing.
If you enjoyed Istiaq’s questionnaire, you may also enjoy this one with Christina Wyman:
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Another great interview Jane. The part that resonated with me the most is about us all eventually becoming patients. It sounds so simple, but it is true. I've had countless bad experiences with doctors who refused to take the time, belittled me and even laughed at me as a patient. And also an experience with a nurse practitioner who really saw me. I can't tell you the difference it made. I walked out of her office lighter. I made a point of thanking her every time I came to see her. But then she moved back to BC because Quebec wasn't paying nurses enough. It's an absolute heartbreak. To find a good doctor is an absolute gold.
Thank you for this offering, to know there are folks in the world who raise chickens & empathize (not sympathize) with the chronically ill & love MJ as much as I do & recognize hospitality as a way of being, feels necessary right now.