One of my perennial dreams is the potential power unleashed when we celebrate our body differences and let go of our obsession to make our bodies fit the oppressive body ideal upheld by systems not meant to serve us. At the same time, as a 66-year-old woman, I know what it's like to be pushed to the margins because my body is no longer valued in our youth-obsessed culture, so I also understand that making our bodies "fit" offers the illusion of security. Quite the mind fuckery! Thank you for this conversation!
I would say my relationship with my body is the best it's ever been, and that's largely an unintentional off-shoot of two years of celibacy and finally stopping using substances as an unconscious off-ramp from discomfort.
The celibacy wasn't something I embarked upon intentionally. I just ended a relationship and found that dating felt like an unnecessary and unhelpful distraction from my creative work. Having finally dug into a full-length book, I couldn't imagine where I would find the emotional juice for early romance (which I mostly find deeply stressful) and maintain any creative momentum. So, I told myself, "no dating until I finish this book", not imagining how long it would take. Two years in, and I'm still writing and who knows when I'll be done?
At the same time, I finally laid down alcohol and marijuana as habitual off-ramping behaviors. I'm not cold turkey clean-and-sober, but with alcohol I rarely indulge, and only and intentionally because, say, I'm out for tacos with a friend and a good margarita pairs so nicely. But I never keep alcohol around my house and I don't drink as an activity (Let's meet for drinks!). Marijuana not only started tanking my blood pressure, but I lost any patience with it. As in, okay, this is entertaining for about a half an hour and then I want to be done, but I'm not going to be done for a LONG time and that makes me feel trapped and regretful. Why? Just why?
I didn't intend for walking away from sex with other people and walking away from my habitual ways of avoiding my own emotional discomfort to conspire to drop me so deeply into my own body, but they did. I discovered this very tender, scared, but ultimately resilient animal living inside of me. People talk about their inner child, but for me it's really an animal. Like a deer, or one of those Northeast forest cats that's very solitary. A bobcat? When I stopped running away from my VERY BIG feelings, stopped observing myself or packaging myself or managing my physical self to be more palatable for someone else, I found a stability, an animalistic contentment in being inside my own skin and looking out at the world from behind my own eyes.
Now, I find myself contemplating relationship. I'd prefer not to be celibate forever. But I don't know how to be in relationship, to share my body and life, from this very embodied place. I don't know how to manage a more porous personal boundary without losing the ground under my feet.
Oh, Asha, this is beautiful! And I relate to so much of it! Due to my health, I too parted from many of these things and also began a deep embodiment I'd not known before. For me, it was a slower process but I was also facing massive physical challenges. I've also had a hard time entering into a romantic relationship again and whilst I hadn't considered in quite that way before, I think your final paragraph captures a part of why. Thank you for all of this!
My experience of relationship has always involved a lot of self-objectification (watching myself from the outside to make sure I'm doing/being the "right" way). Having stepped away from that, I'm loathe to return to it. But I don't really know how to relate to romantic partners without that splitting of myself. I just want someone to explain it to me and then some lovely person to show up who doesn't require those old ways of being. SIGH.
Me too. Except I want to stay celibate and on the outside, not having to enter into romance anymore. It's stressful and exhausting. I just want all my best friends and me to live forever. So that's realistic 😆 🤣 😂 😹 😆 But friendship is legit SO much better for me than romance, I just can't even, as the kids used to say, back when I was perimenopausal and mood-swinging multiple times a day. I don't miss that in the slightest. I have come to appreciate and even love my body, sometimes, some ways, but I have a lot more to lear--and to unlearn, especially the self-silencing, self-abusive, self-neglect routines I've been practicing for decades. Fifty-nine and sixty are going to be POWER years for me, I can tell ❤️ 💙 💜 💖
This put a big smile on my face, Holly! Yes, friendship is wonderful and can definitely be all we need. I totally get that!! So happy for your new relationship with your body! yay! And YES to power years!! I feel it for you, too! ❤️
What a great question Jane and what inspiring replies. Beside being a writer I am also a yoga practitioner/ teacher so I have a lot of reverence for my body. I don’t take it for granted for a second. A pain-free body is a little miracle. I remember when during Covid I put on extra weight and my ten year old caught me looking at my belly with judgement (or more like disgust). She put her hand on my belly and said, “I was once in there. It’s the most beautiful belly in the world.” It still brings tears to my eyes recalling this. What a big life lesson she has taught me. And just yesterday one of my yoga students told me that my yoga instructions are “poetic”, which made me smile because… I do see our bodies as a poetic expression of our deepest being (soul)!
Oh, Imola!! What your daughter said is so so so beautiful! My goodness!! And how lovely: "I do see our bodies as a poetic expression of our deepest being (soul)!" I'm going to ponder this today! xx
Jane, I am interested in how the opposite view might seem terribly self-obsessed, vain, and shallow. From my teen years when I first discovered I had breasts, curves, and long legs, and through my twenties when I worked as a dancer on Broadway, I loved and appreciated my body. In the "womens lib" era in LA I once went to a meeting of liberated women who all were in jeans and t-shirts wearing a dress that revealed my shape, though really a quite demure one. I started to lose my body in my sixties as I gained girth, a tummy, and a big hump from the scoliois of my spine. But I still look in the mirror and think, damn girl, you're doing OK for an 85 year old. So what does that make me? Vain and self-congratulatory?
I know it is strange to most women, but I have never hated my body. I liked it as a child when it did what I wanted, as it changed me as an adolescent into a young woman, as an adult when it allowed me to dance and make love, when it grew when I was pregnant and even now, in my 80s, when it is at its least attractive. Yes, there are some pretty unpleasant wrinkles, but it still does what I want it to, more or less. And yes, I have hang-ups but they are not about my body.
I don't know why I am different from so many women (a doting father?), but someone should study people like me to find out why we are so unusual. We should be the norm.
Or, perhaps the easiest way to become totally accepting of your body, is to grow into your 80's. Who cares at this point? We've learned that "we are who/what we are" and "it is what it is." Blue
Reading through all these comments, I was thinking the same thing, Blue! So many have come from women in their seventies and eighties and they seem so happy with their bodies! It's been a delight to read!
Not that my body is that great. no facelifts, only eye shadow and lipstick. I could lose 15 pounds. As a friend said in poem: I look for my hair where it’s been. Then I found it on my chin! I just don’t worry about much of anything any more. Too busy just enjoying each moment…and if I don’t, I stop! Blue💙
My body? It has always been in the forefront of my mind. As a little girl, they called me Skinny Minnie. As a muscular athletic kid in the sixties, I did softball, and then gymnastics in high school. Oh and cheerleader for the boys. A young Mom body and then in a divorce I lost 30 pounds of the present weight. I think I started to shed lots of self hate body skin. After dealing with breast cancer, at age 62, I got the mid life middle bulge. Now at 75, my weight is down and skin is wrinkly. As scary as the wrinkles are, I am happiest about my body. Why? Because I'm developing my voice online and trying to love myself through my spiritual and emotional work. Life is good, but I still have anger toward men especially Trump like men who evaluate even today women's bodies and who molest young girls. I get so angry I shake. ( :) Relax MB.) My 50 yr old daughter is still coaching me not to use the words "skinny or fat" around her children. Still learning and still so freaking angry towards certain individuals. but I'm happy and enjoying the afternoon in my backyard garden.
Oh, Mary Beth, I get it. The anger I feel around these men running our country is staggering. I don't know what to do with it sometimes. Oof. But I'm so glad you're feeling happy about your body! Yay! And that life is good! That's huge and wonderful! ❤️
Thanks for sympathising with me Jane, it means a lot to me. Yeah, this world of ours. Honestly, I like moving my body a little bit when I either get tired (Ooof, studying for a non-English exam is unbelievably hard, especially if it's B1 Level) or listening to my favourite songs, but to exercise regularly? Nah, I get bored after less than a week. Plus, I like to do these movements privately (I don't want anyone to see me. Don't get me wrong, it's not out of shame, it's just that I wanna keep it for myself).
I was raised by a mother who was not into body shaming or obsessing. Never once did I hear her speak unkindly to her body. This was a love language I was surrounded within. My dad reminding me to stand with my shoulders back and straight when he saw me beginning to fold within myself. At age 70, I praise her for sticking with me when I’ll bet she might have wanted to take a long hiatus. Getting back within her deeply IS the only thing that makes sense now. She is who arranges our day. If I don’t heed, and listen, I know by how she shows up. Looking forward to reading and learning. I realize what a gift I’ve been given, and have passed it along to my children and grands. It is a generational blessing. In gratitude, Jane, for your thoughtful and generous offerings. 💜
Joanie, how lovely!! And what a beautiful mom you had! What lucky children and grands (love that!), to have this gift passed onto them. ❤️ And, yes, our bodies definitely guide us. Learning to listen more carefully!
Interesting topic. I was recently reading a book about Reiki and the author spoke about never giving away one's talent for free, because as he described, people don't tend to value anything that's given to them for free. And as an example, he spoke about our bodies which we take for granted often and neglect to care for properly. His analogy really struck me, as does this article. Thanks for sharing these reflections.
Oh my body my body....I am so grateful for it, and it has been a frustration for me as of late. Being 57, my body is choosing paths I did not sign up for. The weight gain has been hard for me, I am embarrassed that I care so much, but I do. My body and I are working it out though...long walks , deeps stretches and regular opportunities to dance , are so much better than the accusatory glances and punishing discourses I was giving myself before.
Your opening reminds me of O Captain my Captain! And I relate to the weaving of gratitude and frustration. They can be so intertwined! Glad you are enjoying the pleasures of your body these days!
Wen I write in my diary, I mostly write about my thoughts and emotions, and rarely about how I see my body. Physically, I'm like my dad (broad shoulders, long hands and legs), and I like these about myself. The only thing I don't like is that my armpits and abdomen have become out of shape as a result of having a lot of stress (First COVID, then the 12-Day war [Israel's attack on Iran], and now my German B1 ÖSD exam at the end of this November). There are times when I wanna go out and exercise, but then I talk myself out of it. It would be great if I could find out why I talk myself out of doing things that are challenging for me.
Firstly, I'm sorry for all the stress, Negar, most especially war. Oof. This world of ours. I love hearing the things you like about your body. That's so beautiful!! And as I'm sure you know, so many people are exercise-opposed!! I actually like working out in various ways but will find ways to procrastinate about actually doing so. You're not alone!
I love this! Focusing on somatic healing, living in and loving my body is the center of my path and it’s changing my life in beautiful ways. It’s not easy, you have to keep coming back with grace and unconditional love. What a wonderful thing it could be to be here, experiencing this world in these bodies 💖
What also helped me was realizing there was no mountaintop of perfection where I would always be calm and loving and happy and at peace. Life is a wild ride and the ups and downs are part of it. It is much nicer to experience it in the body. I am learning that I am safe here.
Wow. I've spent my whole life wanting to feel safe and at home in my body and my life. Could you say more about what it's like to feel safe in your body, what that means for you, looks and sounds and smells like to you?
This is an evolving practice I've done for years and I don't always feel safe, but I feel more at home than I have since I was very little. For me it's the sensation of actually being in my body which is the ability to feel my muscles working, to sense my feet, imagine my roots, to pull from the power in my core and I return over and over to my heartspace when I get caught in pain and internal dialogue. In the past, I wasn't able to take a walk around my neighborhood without severe anxiety and now I can. I spend the walk feeling what my body is doing, what my body feels (like the wind on my skin), hearing the birds, seeing the trees and flowers. It smells like autumn right now and I am able to focus on that more and more instead of looking for dangers.
My spiritual practice is all about embodiment as well. I tune in daily to the fact that my body is a sacred place. I repeat the mantra, "I am safe" and remember that I am loved, seen, safe, known, and held.
One of my perennial dreams is the potential power unleashed when we celebrate our body differences and let go of our obsession to make our bodies fit the oppressive body ideal upheld by systems not meant to serve us. At the same time, as a 66-year-old woman, I know what it's like to be pushed to the margins because my body is no longer valued in our youth-obsessed culture, so I also understand that making our bodies "fit" offers the illusion of security. Quite the mind fuckery! Thank you for this conversation!
Quite the mind fuckery, indeed! And yes to everything you wrote! So happy you enjoyed dit, Deb!
I would say my relationship with my body is the best it's ever been, and that's largely an unintentional off-shoot of two years of celibacy and finally stopping using substances as an unconscious off-ramp from discomfort.
The celibacy wasn't something I embarked upon intentionally. I just ended a relationship and found that dating felt like an unnecessary and unhelpful distraction from my creative work. Having finally dug into a full-length book, I couldn't imagine where I would find the emotional juice for early romance (which I mostly find deeply stressful) and maintain any creative momentum. So, I told myself, "no dating until I finish this book", not imagining how long it would take. Two years in, and I'm still writing and who knows when I'll be done?
At the same time, I finally laid down alcohol and marijuana as habitual off-ramping behaviors. I'm not cold turkey clean-and-sober, but with alcohol I rarely indulge, and only and intentionally because, say, I'm out for tacos with a friend and a good margarita pairs so nicely. But I never keep alcohol around my house and I don't drink as an activity (Let's meet for drinks!). Marijuana not only started tanking my blood pressure, but I lost any patience with it. As in, okay, this is entertaining for about a half an hour and then I want to be done, but I'm not going to be done for a LONG time and that makes me feel trapped and regretful. Why? Just why?
I didn't intend for walking away from sex with other people and walking away from my habitual ways of avoiding my own emotional discomfort to conspire to drop me so deeply into my own body, but they did. I discovered this very tender, scared, but ultimately resilient animal living inside of me. People talk about their inner child, but for me it's really an animal. Like a deer, or one of those Northeast forest cats that's very solitary. A bobcat? When I stopped running away from my VERY BIG feelings, stopped observing myself or packaging myself or managing my physical self to be more palatable for someone else, I found a stability, an animalistic contentment in being inside my own skin and looking out at the world from behind my own eyes.
Now, I find myself contemplating relationship. I'd prefer not to be celibate forever. But I don't know how to be in relationship, to share my body and life, from this very embodied place. I don't know how to manage a more porous personal boundary without losing the ground under my feet.
Oh, Asha, this is beautiful! And I relate to so much of it! Due to my health, I too parted from many of these things and also began a deep embodiment I'd not known before. For me, it was a slower process but I was also facing massive physical challenges. I've also had a hard time entering into a romantic relationship again and whilst I hadn't considered in quite that way before, I think your final paragraph captures a part of why. Thank you for all of this!
My experience of relationship has always involved a lot of self-objectification (watching myself from the outside to make sure I'm doing/being the "right" way). Having stepped away from that, I'm loathe to return to it. But I don't really know how to relate to romantic partners without that splitting of myself. I just want someone to explain it to me and then some lovely person to show up who doesn't require those old ways of being. SIGH.
I get it! Sending good wishes that it happens, Asha! ❤️
Me too. Except I want to stay celibate and on the outside, not having to enter into romance anymore. It's stressful and exhausting. I just want all my best friends and me to live forever. So that's realistic 😆 🤣 😂 😹 😆 But friendship is legit SO much better for me than romance, I just can't even, as the kids used to say, back when I was perimenopausal and mood-swinging multiple times a day. I don't miss that in the slightest. I have come to appreciate and even love my body, sometimes, some ways, but I have a lot more to lear--and to unlearn, especially the self-silencing, self-abusive, self-neglect routines I've been practicing for decades. Fifty-nine and sixty are going to be POWER years for me, I can tell ❤️ 💙 💜 💖
This put a big smile on my face, Holly! Yes, friendship is wonderful and can definitely be all we need. I totally get that!! So happy for your new relationship with your body! yay! And YES to power years!! I feel it for you, too! ❤️
What a great question Jane and what inspiring replies. Beside being a writer I am also a yoga practitioner/ teacher so I have a lot of reverence for my body. I don’t take it for granted for a second. A pain-free body is a little miracle. I remember when during Covid I put on extra weight and my ten year old caught me looking at my belly with judgement (or more like disgust). She put her hand on my belly and said, “I was once in there. It’s the most beautiful belly in the world.” It still brings tears to my eyes recalling this. What a big life lesson she has taught me. And just yesterday one of my yoga students told me that my yoga instructions are “poetic”, which made me smile because… I do see our bodies as a poetic expression of our deepest being (soul)!
Oh, Imola!! What your daughter said is so so so beautiful! My goodness!! And how lovely: "I do see our bodies as a poetic expression of our deepest being (soul)!" I'm going to ponder this today! xx
I’m so glad, and honoured, Jane! Your essays and interviews always make me ponder…
❤️
Jane, I am interested in how the opposite view might seem terribly self-obsessed, vain, and shallow. From my teen years when I first discovered I had breasts, curves, and long legs, and through my twenties when I worked as a dancer on Broadway, I loved and appreciated my body. In the "womens lib" era in LA I once went to a meeting of liberated women who all were in jeans and t-shirts wearing a dress that revealed my shape, though really a quite demure one. I started to lose my body in my sixties as I gained girth, a tummy, and a big hump from the scoliois of my spine. But I still look in the mirror and think, damn girl, you're doing OK for an 85 year old. So what does that make me? Vain and self-congratulatory?
That's so wonderful, Diana! I think that makes you grateful!! Which is beautiful, indeed!! 🌸
Yes, grateful indeed. Thank you.
And graceful, sounds like 🪷
I know it is strange to most women, but I have never hated my body. I liked it as a child when it did what I wanted, as it changed me as an adolescent into a young woman, as an adult when it allowed me to dance and make love, when it grew when I was pregnant and even now, in my 80s, when it is at its least attractive. Yes, there are some pretty unpleasant wrinkles, but it still does what I want it to, more or less. And yes, I have hang-ups but they are not about my body.
I don't know why I am different from so many women (a doting father?), but someone should study people like me to find out why we are so unusual. We should be the norm.
Ann! How beautiful! And how I wish you were the norm. Thank you for sharing all that! 🌸
Or, perhaps the easiest way to become totally accepting of your body, is to grow into your 80's. Who cares at this point? We've learned that "we are who/what we are" and "it is what it is." Blue
Reading through all these comments, I was thinking the same thing, Blue! So many have come from women in their seventies and eighties and they seem so happy with their bodies! It's been a delight to read!
Not that my body is that great. no facelifts, only eye shadow and lipstick. I could lose 15 pounds. As a friend said in poem: I look for my hair where it’s been. Then I found it on my chin! I just don’t worry about much of anything any more. Too busy just enjoying each moment…and if I don’t, I stop! Blue💙
❤️
My body? It has always been in the forefront of my mind. As a little girl, they called me Skinny Minnie. As a muscular athletic kid in the sixties, I did softball, and then gymnastics in high school. Oh and cheerleader for the boys. A young Mom body and then in a divorce I lost 30 pounds of the present weight. I think I started to shed lots of self hate body skin. After dealing with breast cancer, at age 62, I got the mid life middle bulge. Now at 75, my weight is down and skin is wrinkly. As scary as the wrinkles are, I am happiest about my body. Why? Because I'm developing my voice online and trying to love myself through my spiritual and emotional work. Life is good, but I still have anger toward men especially Trump like men who evaluate even today women's bodies and who molest young girls. I get so angry I shake. ( :) Relax MB.) My 50 yr old daughter is still coaching me not to use the words "skinny or fat" around her children. Still learning and still so freaking angry towards certain individuals. but I'm happy and enjoying the afternoon in my backyard garden.
Oh, Mary Beth, I get it. The anger I feel around these men running our country is staggering. I don't know what to do with it sometimes. Oof. But I'm so glad you're feeling happy about your body! Yay! And that life is good! That's huge and wonderful! ❤️
Thanks for sympathising with me Jane, it means a lot to me. Yeah, this world of ours. Honestly, I like moving my body a little bit when I either get tired (Ooof, studying for a non-English exam is unbelievably hard, especially if it's B1 Level) or listening to my favourite songs, but to exercise regularly? Nah, I get bored after less than a week. Plus, I like to do these movements privately (I don't want anyone to see me. Don't get me wrong, it's not out of shame, it's just that I wanna keep it for myself).
Oh, beautiful! I can understand that. These relationships we have with ourselves are important and potent! 🌸
I was raised by a mother who was not into body shaming or obsessing. Never once did I hear her speak unkindly to her body. This was a love language I was surrounded within. My dad reminding me to stand with my shoulders back and straight when he saw me beginning to fold within myself. At age 70, I praise her for sticking with me when I’ll bet she might have wanted to take a long hiatus. Getting back within her deeply IS the only thing that makes sense now. She is who arranges our day. If I don’t heed, and listen, I know by how she shows up. Looking forward to reading and learning. I realize what a gift I’ve been given, and have passed it along to my children and grands. It is a generational blessing. In gratitude, Jane, for your thoughtful and generous offerings. 💜
Joanie, how lovely!! And what a beautiful mom you had! What lucky children and grands (love that!), to have this gift passed onto them. ❤️ And, yes, our bodies definitely guide us. Learning to listen more carefully!
Interesting topic. I was recently reading a book about Reiki and the author spoke about never giving away one's talent for free, because as he described, people don't tend to value anything that's given to them for free. And as an example, he spoke about our bodies which we take for granted often and neglect to care for properly. His analogy really struck me, as does this article. Thanks for sharing these reflections.
I can see the truth in that, Sue! Thanks for sharing. And I'm glad you enjoyed these nuggets! 🌸
Oh my body my body....I am so grateful for it, and it has been a frustration for me as of late. Being 57, my body is choosing paths I did not sign up for. The weight gain has been hard for me, I am embarrassed that I care so much, but I do. My body and I are working it out though...long walks , deeps stretches and regular opportunities to dance , are so much better than the accusatory glances and punishing discourses I was giving myself before.
Your opening reminds me of O Captain my Captain! And I relate to the weaving of gratitude and frustration. They can be so intertwined! Glad you are enjoying the pleasures of your body these days!
Wen I write in my diary, I mostly write about my thoughts and emotions, and rarely about how I see my body. Physically, I'm like my dad (broad shoulders, long hands and legs), and I like these about myself. The only thing I don't like is that my armpits and abdomen have become out of shape as a result of having a lot of stress (First COVID, then the 12-Day war [Israel's attack on Iran], and now my German B1 ÖSD exam at the end of this November). There are times when I wanna go out and exercise, but then I talk myself out of it. It would be great if I could find out why I talk myself out of doing things that are challenging for me.
Firstly, I'm sorry for all the stress, Negar, most especially war. Oof. This world of ours. I love hearing the things you like about your body. That's so beautiful!! And as I'm sure you know, so many people are exercise-opposed!! I actually like working out in various ways but will find ways to procrastinate about actually doing so. You're not alone!
I love this! Focusing on somatic healing, living in and loving my body is the center of my path and it’s changing my life in beautiful ways. It’s not easy, you have to keep coming back with grace and unconditional love. What a wonderful thing it could be to be here, experiencing this world in these bodies 💖
Yes to all of this, Angela! Somatic healing is potent and I'm so happy you're feeling the beautiful changes!
What also helped me was realizing there was no mountaintop of perfection where I would always be calm and loving and happy and at peace. Life is a wild ride and the ups and downs are part of it. It is much nicer to experience it in the body. I am learning that I am safe here.
So true. That realization has helped me a lot, as well. Taken so much pressure off, for one thing. And yes to safety! 🌸
Wow. I've spent my whole life wanting to feel safe and at home in my body and my life. Could you say more about what it's like to feel safe in your body, what that means for you, looks and sounds and smells like to you?
This is an evolving practice I've done for years and I don't always feel safe, but I feel more at home than I have since I was very little. For me it's the sensation of actually being in my body which is the ability to feel my muscles working, to sense my feet, imagine my roots, to pull from the power in my core and I return over and over to my heartspace when I get caught in pain and internal dialogue. In the past, I wasn't able to take a walk around my neighborhood without severe anxiety and now I can. I spend the walk feeling what my body is doing, what my body feels (like the wind on my skin), hearing the birds, seeing the trees and flowers. It smells like autumn right now and I am able to focus on that more and more instead of looking for dangers.
My spiritual practice is all about embodiment as well. I tune in daily to the fact that my body is a sacred place. I repeat the mantra, "I am safe" and remember that I am loved, seen, safe, known, and held.
Here's a link to a wonderful woman teaching somatic healing on substack - https://alexandralais.substack.com/p/authenticity-begins-with-safety
I wish you feelings of home, comfort, and safety in your body, we are all worthy of being here.
This is beautiful, Angela. Thank you for sharing! ❤️
Thank you for such wonderful, amazing detail ❤️ 😘 💖
Beautiful! The older I get the more I appreciate my body for it has been my vehicle for existing:)
I'm so happy you enjoyed it, Debra. And I feel the same about my body! xx
Yes, they're beautiful. And yes, our bodies can show us many things.