Erin Khar
Ask Erin
Erin Khar is a force for good. While she spent fifteen years struggling with drug addiction, she’s now spent her two decades in recovery helping pretty much everyone she can. She’s an outspoken advocate for drug law reform as well as the way we approach addiction, recovery, and mental health—and has written about it extensively for Salon, Huffington Post (I wholeheartedly agree with this one!) and Esquire, among others. In her tenderly potent memoir Strung Out: One Last Hit and Other Lies That Nearly Killed Me Erin lays bare the trauma she experienced as a child and her ensuing experimentation with drugs to help her cope until she arrived upon her most reliable ally: heroin. Told with generous honesty and grace, Erin guides the reader through both the darkness that nearly took her and her slow but sturdy ascent toward health.
Having lived through nearly every challenge imaginable, Erin has channeled all the wisdom, compassion, and even humor she gained along the way into her advice column Ask Erin. As the tagline so fittingly states: she’s made all the mistakes, so you don’t have to. Here Erin responds to queries on everything from drugs to infertility to sexual identity to mental health with remarkable insight, kindness, clarity, honesty, and her trademark non-judgmental staunch support.
Erin also loves to support authors with her newsletter so there are regular book giveaways and the occasional conversation with writers!
If you’re interested in learning more about Erin, I interviewed her for Los Angeles Review of Books when her book first came out. She shares some helpful insight that might inspire you to see the world differently; it did me!
When I decided to try my first Substack swap, it made sense to reach out to Erin. And I’m so happy she said yes!
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Artwork: Tess Emily Rodriguez
Q.
Hello Erin!
My question is this…
I had something that bothered me, so I brought it up to my girlfriend to discuss it. As soon as I did, she immediately brought up quite a few things about myself that she either doesn't like or is upset about.
Rather than discussing them when they happen, I feel like she's storing up these issues and bringing them up defensively.
It feels like a form of gaslighting my own issues because it makes me feel bad for having a problem, and then I spend the whole time explaining myself, etc.
Is this a legitimate worry or not? I just feel that her doing this invalidates my own issues.
Is she gaslighting me?
A.
What you’re feeling is valid. I can imagine that it feels like you’re constantly being “told” that what you’re upset about doesn’t exist, and your concerns are being minimized. That’s hugely frustrating, and many of us experience this with friends or partners, particularly when we are younger.
Defensiveness is a common and often unconscious “fight or flight” mechanism.
When folks feel they're “in trouble,” a prevalent, albeit juvenile, response is defensiveness. I say juvenile because it’s common with children and adolescents; ideally, we outgrow this as we learn better coping mechanisms and emotional regulation. But so many people are not taught this; many haven’t had healthy communication modeled for them growing up.
As I mentioned, people often get defensive and deflect when they’re put on the spot about their behavior. Whether or not it’s a conscious tactic on her part, it’s hard to say. But, more importantly, it would help if you clarified why she jumps to pointing out her issues with you when you bring up a problem.
She may have formed her go-to responses long before you knew her. Denial is a powerful means to avoid responsibility (and is not what anyone wants in a relationship). There may be a more significant issue with the relationship that she has been unable to confront, so her reactions seem outsized. She might be projecting or displacing her unhappiness with another situation or relationship (familial, friends, etc.) or overreacting to what should be a civil discussion.
Going with the assumption that you are bringing up these conversations from a place of love and compassion rather than accusation, you can’t let this go unchecked, or you’ll be stuck in an unhealthy circular pattern in which neither of you will be happy.
While you cannot control her responses and behavior, shifting your reactions may go a long way to changing your dynamic.
First, don’t resort to defensive behavior yourself; that won’t get you anywhere. Instead, calmly and clearly explain to her that you are happy to discuss the issue she has AFTER you have discussed what you brought up to her. Both of you in a heightened state will only create further conflict.
You might need to broach this overarching issue at a time when things are calm, and there isn’t one particular issue on the table. Present it as a dynamic you want to change between you rather than shifting all the blame onto her. You may be unconsciously doing something similar. If you’re both open to it, a few sessions with a couples’ counselor would be very helpful, as you’ll have some neutral, objective guidance. If she remains unwilling to look at this, talk about it, or do anything to change it, you’ll need to reassess if the relationship is working.
As I have said many times before, life is too short to try and force the wrong person into being the right partner.
The information within Ask Erin should in no way be interpreted as medical advice because I’m not a medical professional. But I am here to help — to share the wisdom I’ve gained after years of making mistakes. If you have a question for me about relationships, addiction, dating, friendships, depression, parenting, sex, consent, what I’m watching, what I’m reading, what I’m listening to, or anything at all, use the contact form HERE or email me: askerin@erinkhar.com. As always, your anonymity is golden.